Fatty Loh Chicken Rice @ Fettes Park

You would have been cajoled into coming here.Nancy Sit did and her pic is still adorns the greasy walls like it were a deity.
This place is a different kettle of fish.The first time I ate here I really hated it.But it kinda grows on you and I eventually learnt to like it.You have to be a Penangite or regular visitor to appreciate the food here.Because, like the carnavon street duck rice,this, is another oily,messy do.
Few would have not heard,of the war between the two Fatty's.One lies behind Giant Penang Plaza and the other here.Both went to court over the rights to use the name.Both are still using those names.Guess the Fattest to walk away from the battle must have been their lawyers.
This Fettes brother,likes to occasionally slip in a piece of paper into our takeaway to remind us that he is the original and no other,even if it is his bro running the other set up.There seems to be no end to this game of you up me and I up you .Last I knew,the other brother managed to get the then newly elected state government to select him for a hawker festival.Thus the pissed off other, started slipping notes into our plastic bags,photostated enmass like the 4 digit result,not hand written.
Just when I have learnt to appreciate the bitter herbal soup,oily rice,wet goey messy chopped up chicken,strangest recipes for other items on the menu,strange goings on at the mysterious door... way..... at the back of the shop(nope it is NOT a toilet ladies and gentlemen) and blur looking waiters (whether local or foreign everyone looks blur),something new burns me up.
Due to the fact that our state government wants the hawkers and food operators to do away with styrofoam packets,our friend here takes the initiative to wrap our food in plastic sheets.No wax paper,no styrofoam but bare plastic sheets.What is the point in that?It's just like jumping from the burning styrofoam pan into the fiery plastic goblet.
The worst is yet to come.Now due to health concerns with regards to the melamine/plasticware they serve food on,they have now replaced it with aluminium basins and bowls in every size.Big ones,small ones,flat ones,medium ones,little ones,large ones,not so large ones..sigh.
What is wrong with that you say?Well those things look like hospital bedpans cum doggie bowls on a dining table.Imagine trying to enjoy the meal from that,and no I do not like Clinic Cafe.

Welcome to Barbie the Nurse masak-masak for Ken the Dogtor diner.

The diner where your rice would arrive covered up in a round mini basin,atop a flatter basin.Where your chicken would be presented on a wider flat basin and taugey served on a medium basin,while the soup in the weeny basin resembles some discharge from Gleneagles.
Your expression will change from hungry human to lost appetite mongrel.
These basins look like they would fit right in on the floor of the SPCA .Thus you get confused whether you should scoop from them,lick from them or get down on all floors,shove your face in and wolf them down.

I have resolved to takeaway from now onwards.Am giving myself six months or so to develop cataracts so that I can blindly dine in again.

Lorong Selamat CKT versus Ah Leng CKT

It is inevitable that these two be compared because people like Sisters CKT are now past their heyday.
These two places have their own fans,business is slower at Ah Leng,you can get your plate in 10 minutes and currently due to the Penangite self imposed boycott plus depending on the hour you arrive at,you can now get your Lorong Selamat fix in 10 mins time.So let's compare.

Comparing Plate for plate based on:
1)Price
Lorong Selamat: $7
Ah Leng: $5
2)Prawns
Lorong Selamat: standard type of meaty,medium large,prawns but not really fresh(the kind that has started to get blackened legs which Penang marketmen will discourage from buying bcos it is bo sui liao)Maybe cos she expects more customers and they didn't turn up thus she's forced to keep them in the fridge longer.
Ah Leng: cheaper,sweet,jellyish textured,translucent kind that Bee Hooi uncle's customers will rather not eat to show their displeasure to the taukay(he never repeated this crime again).if it looks huge its because the noodles are small in proportion and he tends to get them just cooked so they don't shrink in size.
3)Cockles
Lorong Selamat: pre-peeled left in the fridge after taste
Ah Leng: much better
4)Eggs
Lorong Selamat: seemingly endless rich,eggs that wrap themselves in every nook and corner of the noodles
Ah Leng : What?How come I can finish the egg so fast already wan?
5)Noodles
Lorong Selamat: portion huge like three times Ah Leng's but oilier than normal
Ah Leng: miniscule and less oil like most Penang CKT
6)Taugey,Sausage and Chives
Lorong Selamat: spares no expense.leaves nothing out.Taugey overcooked,kucai raw with no time to let heat soften it lightly
Ah Leng: better at taugey and kucai flavour but sometimes got sometimes none
7)Lard Chunks
Lorong Selamat: rancid and soft
Ah Leng: salty and crisp but sometimes got sometimes none
8)Chillies
Lorong Selamat: the stinging,blowout your ears kind that makes customers saliva flow freely and curdle up thickly till you get hooked for life
Ah Leng: hot also but tame compared to hers
9)Shiok Factor
Lorong Selamat: skill and secret ingredients are above Ah Leng
Ah Leng: shiok also if you don't want to go to Lorong Selamat and you want crayfish infused flavours n crayfish meat.please note that crayfish meat is an add on that will not cost $5 per plate.it will be higher.
10)Temperament
Lorong Selamat: as we all know made the news but she's considered pretty patient with all those people treating her as a laughing stock cum zoo animal and snapping pics of her daily.There are even drivers that cocooned in the safety of their cars drive past and stare at her highness through the safety of their windscreens.
Ah Leng: did not make the news and therefore no paparazzi is interested in snapping his pics.His temper better cos he really don't have to fry as crazy as Lorong Selamat.Nor does he care to wear shower cap to protect his hair from grease as such his head won't feel as if its about to burst.
11)Coffeeshop Comparison
Lorong Selamat: brightly lit,clean,with nice ice kacang and good drinks.But if you decide not to order any drinks they will impose a 50 sen charge for no drinks ordered.
Ah Leng: because it is not as new,is dark,grimy,with not very good drinks but no surcharge if you don't order drinks.

There are others of course but I am comparing these two since lots of people recommend others to eat at Ah Leng and claim that he is better than her

Chai Seafood @ Jln Batu Maung village road frontal

You walk into this simple looking place ,that runs along the fence of Penang airport and you think that since this is such a small operation with so many tables filling up with so many families perhaps the price also small small.
No! They dare to charge big big,like 60 percent more than any seafood restaurant in Bukit Tambun or higher than most seafood restaurants in Georgetown and even Relau.
So don't be misled by the small village look that kinda reminds you of some places in Butterworth.The prices here are not Butterworth price.The prices here are sky high for such a get up.You are paying for the aircond and the airport sound.
Taste wise is good.the normal type of good you get from small restaurant fare.But price wise,anyone that's ever been here will complain and bitch about the price except for those that don't have to foot the bill of course!

Northam Beach Cafe (Mee Udang Teluk Kumbar) @ Jln Sultan Ahmad Shah

Mee Udang Teluk Kumbar might be another dish you might want to try after sampling all the famous dishes Penang has to offer.You will be dissapointed because it is just hype.I've tried many outlets selling this dish and most have fallen short of expectations and cannot measure up to their other more well known cousins.

1. The noodle is not cooked enough.They just celup once or twice with water that's not hot enough I think.Once you get home it will start to swell in your tum and you will feel ill and jelak at the same time when it starts to bloat

2. Sauce tastes more of lime juice than udang.I feel as if I am having light red coloured pickle sauce cum mee jawa sauce with prawn on top and garnishing on the side

3. Prawn is tiger prawn.Tiger prawn like any other farmed seafood does not possess the full flavour to enhance this dish and make it taste better.That's why the dish tastes more of lime than prawn

4.Cabbage is almost raw.Just makes matters worse.

5.Only the sambal is exciting and presentation attractive

6. All that for RM$6.50 a plate is expensive!

Duck Rice @ Star Hotel (Carnarvon Street) (lunch)

What a let down if you are a fan of Kulim,Ipoh,New Lane,Petaling Street or Hongkong style duck.Plus it costs $9 per pax which is not expensive if you take into account the humungous portion,ingredients used for marination and species of duck.Surprisingly the owner is not stuck up in the least too no matter how many people there are lining up here.
However this is another pathetic place to come to if you are to arrive at its peak.You may be a decorated General but because the boss favours no one,everyone has to wait their turn(those taking away will be given priority thus the extra waiting period for those sitting down).To pass time you will still have to stare at your cold plate of rice for a full ten minutes,while swallowing your saliva before your duck arrives.
Then when your duck finally does swim in on a plate,you wonder what the fuss was all over because it looks so sloppy with none of the finesse demonstrated by those grand hongkong masters in terms of presentation.It is wet,it is oily,the skin has been allowed to absorb moisture lending it a puffed up look and your rice is littered with smatterings of hot sauce from the precariously balanced saucer that the server rested it upon.
You help yourself to a piece.You chew right?and you chew and you chew and you chew and you chew  until you are shamefully forced take it out of your orifices and put it on your plate so you can use a utensil to cut it up.
What the fish?This has not been tenderised long enough.It is of game quality which ought to be left out to hang and self tenderise on its own.To top it all off,the duck is cut up peasant style,meaning bones,cartillage and sundry are left intact for you to slowly dissect out yourself.
So you take another piece and start with the skin.Who says that it is less fat?there is fat here alright,but the kind of fat you find in chickens that is small and lumpy like it were a kind of cellulite.The kind of fat that doesn't sear well under the roast and which you have to discard or else you might end up feeling sick.
The sauces are nice.The soup is not.It is boiled water decorated with pepper and unappetizing floating ingredients if you ask me.
I tried to like this place,I really did but I can't and never will.

Malay Fried Ikan Bawal @ Factory area towards Juru Autocity(day)

I was so grossed out and indignified the first time someone recommended this place to me.It is a shack,like a mexican cantina,looking like some outlaws hideout.
You sit down on the rotten wooden benches like refugees,and eat the fish n chicken that was fried in blackened oil while burning under the hot sun.All the while having to fight off the flies and begging cats.
You just cannot wait for this nightmare to end so you can return to the comfort of your car.So you ask for the bill,you balk at the price,what? RM$5 per fish?
go home,swear never to speak to the recommendee but then something happens the next week.
All of sudden you get the urge to drive all the way here in your mercedes,lorry or kapcai so you can pour the fish curry atop your sweat riddled rice while munching into the steaming hot crunchy scrumptious black bawal fish that the flies would die for and cats would sing for.
Because where in the world can you get fried black bawal fish for $5 in Penang or Butterworth right?You can get steamed white bawal but at another unsavoury place near the old sia boey.Not fried.For fried costs a minimum of $10(in some backwaters of jelutong) to average of $25 onwards in places like the lousy Ang Huay Loh(it ain't even bawal in ang huay loh ok?)
Please don't eat here cos you might be as embarassed as me,to have to eat back my own words

Nasi Kandar @ next to small graveyard in Pekan Bayan Lepas (day)

1. You have never seen more patient,hungry,determined people,quietly waiting for the next batch of fish kuah and ayam goreng to come out,as if you were now in Ethopia

2. Once it arrives,whoooshh the crowd surges forward with plates of rice,plastic bags,food carriers, to grab the goodies like it were free.Chaos!

3. You have to line up 4 times here at peak hours.
once to get your rice,then to scoop,then pay,last get your drinks.

4. Don't wear light coloured clothing here.They're bound to get stained by curries from the counter to being grazed by other customers plates while lining up to pay or on the way to your table

5.You might end up like me,swept up by the mania and addicted for life to the underspiced,watery,lightly sourish,nothing much to shout about,but why do I salivate at the thought of it,fish curry

Old Green House coffeeshop (chicken/fish porridge) @ Jln Burma (night)

This is the closest rival to the Cintra street chicken/fish porridge and another in Pulau Tikus at night.It has seen a great increase in customer traffic due to the fact that he is cheaper and portion looks big.
Things I have trouble with here is

1.the lady server(the one with the dyed hair and red lipstick).When she brings you your food,you will have to look at her fingernails.It is covered in some sort of thick fungal infection.
Arrgh.I couldn't bring myself to eat here again.If I do want to eat I will try to insist on carrying the dish to the table on my own.

2. the owner likes to remove majority of the chicken skin for you if you don't say anything at all

3. the porridge is very watered down compared to his two rivals

I Need Readers Feedback

Dear readers,there are forces that have started to threaten me over this blog and facebook.I need to know your response before I proceed.They are threatening me with mcmc rules,lawsuits and nasty comments
Is this a bad thing I am doing?By informing the public about my bad experiences at Penang food institutions?Please let me know or advise if you care.I really would like to know and will appreciate every comment good or bad.
Anyway I really wanna track these nasties down and counter check with the real mcmc so as of now please note that I am just opening the comments to members of this blog.feel free to blast me and disagree with me on facebook. ;)

Pakma Garden @ Jln Burma (night)

1. This is one of the many singsong hideouts that small time,low key taukays to working class men who are having mid life crisis come to mingle with middle aged songbirds and beer girls.

2. If you are an attractive young lady,you will be subjected to leecherous stares,with crossed fingers and toes hoping that you r a new songbird or beergirl or china doll that they can share a table and perhaps some of their 'fruits' that they have to labour on with

3. If you are a lady between 50 to 70 and you have a missing cranky hubby,who likes to zip off on his motorbike between 8 to 12 and comes home drunk smelling of perfume,make this one of your hunting stops

4. Updating from time to time other singsong hideouts where left all alone at home aunties can locate their DOM hubbies.The first clue is lotsa motorbikes parked there.
* Copra Leisure Cafe at Madras Lane
* a couple of places on Anson Road within walking distance of KDU college

Kapitan's @ Lorong Pitt (24 hours)

If you are on the way to Chulia Street from the Ferry Terminal,you will not miss this corner restaurant.At all times of the day it is almost always packed with locals and backpackers.
I'll cut to the chase.
The waiters are an impatient lot anxious to get their job over and done with so they can move onto their next customer.Since there's no menu,if you get up to read the price list that stretches from the tandoor room to the glass display counter where the curries are displayed,the waiter will first demand to take your order on what you would like to drink,then usher you back to your seat and plonk down ONE tattered, torn, destroyed ,what was the point in getting it laminated in the first place ,table mat kind of menu.
If you dare take your time to peruse through the menu, he will tell you through clenched teeth to "cepat sikit,cepat sikit"(move it along I haven't got all day).
When the drinks come I start to regret coming here because better tea lies just round the corner in Little India.
Then the food arrives and I start to wonder what the heck convinced me to come here in the first place.The beef,chicken and sotong is well done but the curry is lacking.Lacking in spice,lacking in kick,lacking in fire.It's so watered down with minimal spice,not in the least hot,that a toddler could drink the curry without breaking a sweat.No wonder so many backpackers here.
The tandoori set came last with 10 percent burns.That's what makes it nice for some,not for me.The chicken meat is pretty standard,something you can get everywhere on the island,the naan starts of nice and fragrant and then begins to gets chewy and perspires once it starts getting cold.Not good.The green dip is horrid,the red is like chutney,they also give you a dhall dip but it is a humble dip so unworthy of a grand meal  like tandoori.
We leave dissatisfied,because curry with no sting and excitement is so uninspiring just like the utterly bored lady cashier behind the counter.

Yee Heong Restaurant @ Campbell Street (night)

Update 2012 :
Amount of alcohol used is less,though the order takers will insist that they do not use wine in their cooking.
Teik Senn's skyrocketing prices have indirectly benefitted them.
Dishes can nowadays range from perfect to eratic and inconsistent.

Am recategorising them.

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You will find that the customers here are a happy boisterous lot.If there is a table of 5 diners and above they will start laughing like jackasses.Those diners will find everything funny.It starts with a snicker and then loud laughs progressing to bellowing guffaws.If you were to sneeze they will also start laughing.
Why only in this shop?Are they funelling laughing gas into the food?No.You sneak a peek at the laughing jackasses table and there is not a single stout or beer to be found.The secret lies in the type of liquor they use to lace the dishes .Everything is laced with contagious laugh inducing liquor.It is undetectable to the human tongue,it make dishes more tasty,masks any unfresh ingredients and makes customers think that this is indeed a wonderful place to dine because they laughed so much.Heck you'll even forget what you ate,who you went home with and how much the meal cost here.
If there are less than 2 diners,they will be in a such state of stupor that they'll actually think the food is great,delicious,fantastic.
Once they get into their cars and head on to Upper Penang road,and so unluckily they are stopped at the police roadblock, the alcohol level in their system could land them into great,delicious,fantastic trouble

And I swear,I still can't recall what I ate here,how much I paid,who I floated out of the shop with that night and why I got saman-ed in the first place only thing I remember is I woke up the next day with a slight hangover

Oriental Seafood @ Gurney Drive roundabout

This post is dedicated to the kiam sap (miser) customer who complained and managed to get this place raided by the council over a RM$1 koon chooi.(hot water drink)
I have a feeling the customer must be struggling to maintain his Infinity home therefore every penny counts.
You see there are pockets of sneaky diners here in Penang the type that gets around not ordering mineral water so that they can save their money for their next millions of  ringgit speculative property.They will loudly INSIST with no shame at all that the restaurant serve them HOT water with the reasoning that hot water need not come from mineral water just to save a measly $1.50 each.On the same breath they will walk into Pizza Hut and pile on the RM$5 salad plus 2 kids meal to be pathetically shared amongst a family of 12.They have no qualms whatsoever about taking all the utensils and plates etc from all the tables next to them so that they can enjoy this meal.

TO THAT CUSTOMER and many other kiam sap penangites
(the type that walk with their nose in the air into a place like Chilli's,Chicago Ribs or Nando's and order koon chooi plus TWO main courses shared by a family of six)
Don't eat here cos the rice set lunch is soooo ridiculous.Using heong mai,give soup,big portion,until you cannot finish but charge from $4.50 only.Very pai ser cos its too cheap for you.Other hawker overcharge you,give you tiny portion fit for a mouse and make you wait long long is better cos that's the treatment you deserve.Misery makes you feel good about yourself

NOTE: to non Penangite visitors(mainly from KL,Melaka and Singapore)
You will find the food served here something like what you would eat back home except that the seaside view adds to the ambience of a holiday place. and they have live seafood.Please remember though that it is most affordable during lunch,dinner would be higher.Most Penangites will despise this place because the food is too salty for them.They prefer food with a ton of sugar.

Sin Kheng Aun @ Lorong Chulia

UPDATE 26th september 2010:
I noticed that since I dared to criticise this place I have gotten some really nasty hateful spiteful comments.Part of it is due to my ignorance because I didn't know that the Hainanese that pride themselves on being so, are actually watered down and thus no more speak the language because of intermarriage between other clans.I have Hainanese friends that proudly speak to each other in Hainanese therefore I was just wondering if this is a Hainanese joint why they didn't speak to each other in their mother tongue.Well I received an education in this department for being so ignorant as well as a tongue lashing from my friends for being so insensitive to intermarried Hainanese
Then I started asking around.A lot of this place's-used-to-be-regulars had this verdict.When the bill comes it is sometimes up and sometimes down.I suppose because it goes according to market price but customers were not informed and therefore they got peeved by this.next complain from them is ...they wish it were as good as before.
If the owner is taking note of this.I am not trying to get you down.Just improve and don't stop giving up on customers that demand great food out of you,for there is something missing and only you know what it is.
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I beg to differ on this one.
I thought long and hard about why this has been around for 70 years.
Either this joint used to be popular on days mother didn't want to cook or since Love Lane is just next door, men took their mistresses who wouldn't or couldn't cook,here, for a meal.

The pomfret gulai is overcooked,it feels as though the gulai were precooked and the pomfret just separately boiled or steamed and added on top.As such although the gulai is pretty ok(most penang fish gulais are pretty ok in general)the fish did not have a chance to absorb part of the taste from the many herbs and spices that went into this dish.To top it off,the darned fish is cut up so even if they were to give you the fake tau tay pomfret ,you really wouldn't know would you?

We had the misfortune of being recommended the soup of the day which was too kar kiam chai thng(pork trotter and salted vegetable soup)
When the basin (yes basin)of soup arrived it was so crude to see more 'too kar' than 'kiam chai' I felt like I was watching a pig drown with one mutilated leg pointing upwards to the sky in the soup.When I investigated the accident scene I only found 2 small pieces of kiam chai inside.Then I bravely took a sip and the soup honestly tasted more of preserved plums that we use to steam fish than kiam chai.The generous owner offered to fill our basin with more soup...I stopped him.He was shocked that I did.I couldn't care less what he thought

Since when did Hainanese people speak to each other in Cantonese?This is supposed to be a Hainanese joint right?I am truly confused.

I will only return for the assam prawn.That's all ! Nothing more.

Jemputree @ Chow Thye Road

1. In a nutshell it is basically mediocre hotel coffeehouse fare in a jungle cum busy roadside surrounded by a longkang all around

2. First warning sign that something is not right is the word Temasik Fried Rice and Singapore Fried Beehoon in the menu

3. Setting romantic but your romance will be broken by mosquito swatting.If you complain to the staff they will give you mosquito coil so both of you walk out smelling of Eau de Fumakilla

4. There are plenty of cats here to divert your attention from being treated as blood buffet

5. They cannot cook nasi lemak.It tastes as BAD as one Malay cafe in KLIA near the post office.Their tomyam tastes like a cross between Kedah laksa,warm assam boi juice and kana sauce.

4. When you walk up to the cashier you will see Helen Ong's recommendation to dine here.OMG!Deja vu....

5. Only thing nice to me is the drinks.At RM$2.50 for a glass of teh tarik it had better be!

Tuck Sai coffeeshop (Hor Fun Stall) @ Sri Pelangi flats,Jln Bukom (night)

1.You see lots of people ordering this.Read on net oso about locals raving about it.So you curious cat,you go and order oso.Make sure you wear sunspec before your order arrives cos it looks like something from Indah Water served in a bowl

2.You don't want to waste right?So you try a bit.It is sooooo disgusting like a fusion between recycling compost,loh mee,toilet bowl and kuay chap that you wanna bang your head many times on table

3.Then you get up and walk to drink cashier to see if they got panadol.A nasty dog will jump up from behind and try to give you heart attack

4.You stagger back to table and will gratefully eat the chilli from small soya sauce saucer for dinner

Ah Leng Char Kuay Teow @ Jln Dato Keramat

1.He has a tendency to undercook eggs.Was enjoying the tasty dish until I swallowed what felt like a whole lump of uncooked egg white.Please remind him to cook it properly.How come I didn't see it?You see the problem with this place is it is quite dark.If you peer into your dish you can't tell lard apart from noodles.So just shove it into your mouth and hope for a miracle.

2. Beware! outstation plates starting to come here oredy.Nowadays they are using gps to arrive so don't be surprised that some will abruptly stop at the corner and park right there.

3.His Ham is so small it looks like ham fart.A whole 2 tiny pieces of ham fart

4.You need to be specific with him as to what you would like more of everytime you order.On one occasion he omitted lard totally.On other he will leave out other essentials.Actually this is pretty frustrating sometimes you get no kucai.Also it sounds so ridiculous to be instructing a sifu on how to cook and what to not forget to put in.Maybe he does this to stinge on certain ingredients.So you really have to be thick skinned here and stand your ground or just accept your plate as it is.

5.Prawn may be big,but it is the cheaper type of prawn.The jellyish sweet kind of cheaper prawn

Lorong Selamat CKT Cartoon

Oriental Food Stall @ opp Red Rock Hotel,Jln Macalister(lunch and dinner)

Update September 2011 :
An unofficial boycott by the islanders and regulars has taken effect I presume due to the exorbitant prices.Business has dwindled,foods cannot sell out at all and they are now forced to offer catering services.You have been warned
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1.This is by far the MOST expensive economy rice stall in penang island

2.You are absolutely NOT allowed to scoop the dishes yourself.The lady that handles the counter is of bouncer size so think again before you reach for the scoop

3.If you have eaten great gulais and fine penang foods in your friends homes MOST LIKELY they,their moms and their grandma,all cheated and tapau from here so you think they can cook this well

Sin Sun Vood coffeeshop (Sang Yee Chicken porridge) @ Cintra Street (night)

Update : This stall is now open earlier even during daylight hours,and not only after 8.30pm.On top of that,they have a very pretty helper who also is praticising her bittergourd face.I give her 15 more years to match the old pony tailed shopowner and the fat lady who cannot get up from her chair's attitude

1. All the ladies manning this stall and the coffeeshop owner lady inside from young to old are in advanced stages of super menopause

2. The male owner of the coffeeshop that takes drinks order is a sourpuss bittergourd face that cannot smile because he thinks he is steven seagal

3. The stall owner is super superstitious.
cannot open stall before certain time
cannot request for plain porridge before her 20something-th bowl

4. You will go into depression after you eat here because everybody here looks so gloomy like they have a rain cloud on top of their head

Sweet Paradise Dimsum @ Bagan district in Butterworth

1. Sweet toothed islanders will find the dimsums not sweet enough

2. Salt loving southerners will find the other dishes too bland.You will be asking for your soya sauce.

3. The paus are too hard,too spongy,too tough and way underfilled.Old people and babies will have a hard time eating and disgesting them

4. The pros are....
 this is an old school dimsum outlet with fine dimsum wrapping,
very generous with the prawns.
Plus has really great pastry skins reminiscent of all the great teahouses of the old days

Tua Pui Curry Mee @ Weld Quay (afternoon)

1.This place is loved by greedy people who let their eyes tell their brains that
the food is good just because there's a big display of add ons
like sotong and chicken that appeals to their
inner instinct to go ballistic and ultimately pig out

2. The taste is average nothing to shout about.

3. Cockles are not really fresh and insignificant

4. drinks are cordial coloured but owner will insist it is ownself boiled

5. surrounds are dusty,uncomfortable and quite gross

Ang Hoay Loh @ Perak Road (Chinese association bungalow)

I'm gonna be very rude here.Don't read further if you find rudeness offensive.


ONLY IF YOUR MOTHER DIED AND YOU ARE A LOUSY COOK DO YOU COME HERE

Because any hokkien family from Perlis down to Singapore can cook these dishes.

Most of the dishes are not authentic Penang dishes with the exception of oyster mee.

Don't be conned into paying a premium price for what is basically YOUR MOTHER CAN COOK BETTER average home cooked dishes.

By the way the baking powder prawn puff is one of the worsttttt I have ever had in my life.

Thai restaurant @ Bukit Genting

1. Unbelievably average food that's unbelievably hyped by certain clusters of bloggers and writers

2. Only thing great is semi jungle view of the Andaman sea

3. I hate the spooky looking figurines in the unkept garden

4. The climb uphill is so steep there's no room for regret

5. The descent is a deathwish where you see your life flashing before you

6. General rule of thumb is to keep Thai food off your "must eat"list while in Penang unless you ate them from the time you were young

Restaurant Panjaab @ Chulia Street

1. If you think you know what hot is you ain't eaten hot till you come here

2. You need intensive toilet bowl care after this experience

3. Your meal will be interrupted by the staff propositioning backpackers to dine here

Edo Ichi Japanese restaurant @ Island Plaza

1. Never order from their special offer menu.Quality is greatly compromised

2. Is same owner as Azuma in Queensbay so do go easy on the green tea.It is of high quality which will over cleanse/detox your body into over expelling lotsa stuff from your body

3. female patrons that sit in the glass window showcase room ,have the annoying habit of flashing passing shoppers super slutty looks cos they think they are Jolin Tsai or Angelina Jolie or both !

Chok Dee Thai @ Jln Burma

1. Expensive ! Dishes belong more to home cooked/economy rice category therefore to me the price is not justified.So I guess we are being charged for the interior decor

2. Green curry is more to Teochew-Phuket style which shows that the chef is absolutely clueless as to what good food should taste like

3. Red curry dishes have been watered down.

4. Clear tomyam is more lengkuas base than anything else

5. Lady boss looks like scary Thai version of Joan Collins

6. NEVER EVERRRR order the water chestnut dessert.It's absolute rubbish.The mettle of a thai chef is measured by the ability to master desserts.My guess is he never graduated.

Salsa's Restaurant @ Hotel Continental

1. Got lots of mat salleh here dining which means locals HAVE to compete for the waitress attention

2. If you are a local,in order to get better service it is best to order a bottle of wine or liqour.Or dress stylishly chic or casually rich! How stupid considering the food is average priced.

3. Food taste and presentation may be great from entree to main course but cake desserts here are lousyyyyyy. What a terrible way to end the meal !

4. Locals that dine here mostly act and dress very "up". You know? The kind that like to make you feel uncomfortable even if they are just regular wage earners? The type that wants you to believe she/he lives in a supercondo instead of a flat?

5. There are reminders on every table to rein in your kids(how rude!).You will not miss it they printed it on both sides and stuck the laminated reminder in the middle of the table

6. The manager looks like an oily faced and haired fan of leslie cheung who's still stuck in the 80's.someone get him an oil blotter.

Restoran Kasuga (japanese) @ opp Jones Road (night)

updated on 19th september 2010 :
I noticed something outside the outlet today.They had actually read my post and put up a menu in english in front of the shop during lunch.It was not to be seen at dinner time though.
earlier post
don't bother coming here unless u can read kanji/japanese script.The entire menu is in kanji.There is no translated menu.It's either because

1. locals are not welcome    

   or

2. they are promoting kanji in penang

Nasi Kandar @ opp Union Primary school

Some years back health inspectors found traces of shit under a restaurant servers fingernails.This is the place.Regulars boycotted the place for some time but things are back to normal again because the aroma wafting around is excrutiatingly enticing.
At one time some people even cracked jokes that the Nasi kandar here is best because of the 'secret recipe'.Others called this 'Shit Nasi Kandar"
How is it that we forget so easily?

Drinking Straws @ certain Pulau Tikus eateries

This is old news.Just wanna remind the forgetful ones amongst us to always check your straws before using

Penang Municipal Council officers were horrified when they saw a worker washing the straws during a spot check on eateries in Pulau Tikus on Wednesday.
‘He told us they were going to reuse it. We were shocked and gave him a stern warning,’ its public health standing committee member Ong Ah Teong said.

They returned to the restaurant later to verify that their instructions had been followed, he said. He warned that restaurant owners who committed such misdeeds could face closure. They would be given warning ‘but if they still ignore it, they could face a fine of RM100,’ he said. ‘If they persist, we will lodge a report with the state Health Department to shut the place down,’ he said when contacted on Thursday.
Several people who have come across such situations said people should look out for signs of bite marks on the straws to make sure that they were not ‘recycled’. It is learnt that some restaurant workers would even resort to cutting off the tips of straws and reuse them again Communication manager
Josey Wong, 35, said she found bite marks on her straw while having her meal at a popular food outlet. ‘I asked a waiter about it and he admitted that the restaurant would recycle drinking straws… This is unhygienic as some people use the straw to pick their teeth,’ she said

Hawker's Business Brisk Despite Boycott Drive(The Star,Nation 17th September)

George Town:
Business remains brisk for a popular char koay teow hawker here despite the wide circulation of an email,calling for the public to boycott her business.
It was reported that a boycott campaign was launched in cyberspace against the seller in lorong Selamat for allegedly berating an elderly lady after the latter remarked that her dish price was expensive.
A check at the coffeeshop here revealed that food was still being sold at a brisk rate.
Almost all of the tables were seen taken up during the lunch hour,which may also be attributed to the fact that yesterday was the Malaysia Day public holiday.
A caricature of the hawker telling the old lady that people like her cannot afford her food,is being widely circulated via email.
The incident is alleged to have occured on Aug 30.
When met the hawker Soon Suan Choo 63,declined comment,saying she just wants to move on and does not want to prolong the issue.
The Penang Hawkers Association has called for the public to stop circulating the email.
Its deputy chairman Leong Keng Fei said it was time to put and end as this episode does not benefit any party.
He said customers must understand that hawkers when busy,could be hot-tempered at times.
This is especially when they cannot cope with the escalating orders,Leong said.
"This is the time where customers must bear with them.Sometimes hawkers can be hot headed.By saying so it does not mean that I agree with Soon's actions.Hawkers must be careful and mindful with their words.Tolerance and patience are keys to a win win situation.I just hope the issue can be laid to rest"he said.
On Wednesday,the hawker had brushed the campaign aside,deeming it as a mischievous act from a dissatisfied customer.

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/9/16/nation/7042716&sec=nation

Hup Kee coffeeshop @ next to bellisa row(after lunchtime)

1.Economy Rice

After 2.30pm there are two operators here side by side.They are on two shifts.Earlier is run by a sweet old lady,the other by a Frankenstein of Economy rice.He is NOT her son.If you take rice from her and proceed to his side of the spread he'll give you THE LOOK.If you don't get it he'll make sure you get it with his zombie look and WWE wrestler verbal diarrhoea.

2.Duck Rice

Only order the breast meat from his duck.The other parts of the duck smell of duck feathers,duck pond,duck feet and duck feed.
Plus he really dares to overcharge for anything extra you order.I only order extra Duck and he charged us as much as the midlands chinese restaurant

Sky Hotel Char Siew Rice @ Chulia Street

1.If you are in a great big hurry this is the last place on earth you wanna have lunch

2.If you are not from penang you will be baffled as to how many people are willing to wait 45 minutes for a plate of carcinogic charred sweetened meat to grace their table.
Halooooo! After waiting till half dead and so hungry which food wouldn't taste great?

3.If you are a local you will know that you need to come here by 11am to place your order lest it is sold out

4.If u know me,you'll know that i find the waiting so pathetic and the place so chaotic that I last ate here 7 years ago

Hokkien Mee @ Lebuh Presgrave aka Sar Tiau Lor (night)

update : I was dragged back here a few nights ago by their loyal patrons aka my disgruntled acquaintances who were determined that I eat back my own words.I left them to order and when the dish arrived there was definitely more prawns slices (8 to 10)that were definitely thicker,more pork slices(didn't count still pissed with this) that were still paper thin,more taugey maybe like (25 to 30 pieces) and more noodles for the same price,the egg was still as unimpressive.
Hmmm..I wonder why that is?Is it because if their regular patrons were to order they'd give more or what i don't know but I find it strange that there can be such a big difference between the time I self ordered and when my friends ordered for me.
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I don't care what people say about the soup and the taste.I put this here because it is NOT value for money.

1.Pork slices are paper thin.
   I counted 4 inside.
  Can do mini origami.
   I think they achieved this effect by using their kids pencil sharpener on the
   pork

2.Prawn slices are paper thin.
   There were 3 and not even bigger than 5 cent coin put together.
   Fuh! Sure can beat Michelin chef wan!

3.No kangkong to be found cos costs as much as gold

4.Even the egg can melt in the mouth n disappear cos can you believe it?

   Oso thin like chicken got aneroxia.

5.Tauge got 10 pieces cos taukey up to monkey business

So kiam sap with ingredients even though do business for so long.
Cheh! not worth eating if u ask me

Nam Hooi Cafe @ next to Tune Hotel(night)

Everytime I eat here I find that the next day a lot of my hair falls out.It is either because

1.chef use LOTS of aji or

2. chef  use CHEAP IMITATION aji or

3. my scalp just opens up and detoxes by itself so I can sport the botak look

After the fifth time this happened I never went back there again

Tanjong Tokong Foodcourt aka Island Hawker Centre @ Tg Tokong

Do Not park your car at this hawker centre and walk off to the shopping complex next door.One person did that and was intimidated by a couple of pai kia into paying RM$200(his case was even reported in the newspapers)
So if you really want to park here please make sure you eat something and after that if you really really want to walk walk,please drive your car out of here and park there at the shopping complex.

Daytime is Cifu Omar hokkien mee which I really don't like,and I really can't understand what the big fuss is over his recipe.Hygiene is ...what hygiene?food is disgustingly strewn all over the place.....anyway he's sold out by 12noon

Night is hawker stalls are a Geylang No.9 frog porridge(not bad),CKT (ok),Hokkein Mee (too blood red oily),capati lady (bitches about everyone of her customers),nasi kandar (luan lai with the bill),beef noodles (easily confised over your order),curry mee (mysterious cos she will tell u she used to sell this 20 years ago but won't divulge further what happened in between),herbal soup(ok),Malay satay that is actually run by chinese boss(so I consider that as a conjob) and many awful other selections just not worth mentioning.

The one drink operator bluffs people that they boil all the leng teh,barley,etc themselves when it actually comes from a just add water cordial bottle.

Wai Sek Kai Kuay Teow Thng @ Chai Leng Park (night)

food here is plain but good.The kuay teow thng portion,fishball and chicken meat is 4 times the size of penang island.
hygiene?wear sunspecs.
HOWEVER
the old man operating the stall is the most hot tempered old apek in wai sek kai.He loves to scold his worker,diss his wife.And his wife like to give it back to him oso.Aww shucks come to think of it they act like just married for one year couple.
You won't sit down 20 minutes without some drama.Who needs astro chinese channel here?
If he cannot be verbal he will trash his chicken and fishballs.Sometimes he will also geram and molest his noodles.
Don't be scared just ignore him.its internal matters only.If you come by bike leave your crash helmet on for a quick getaway.Don't try to cool him down.If you are eating in pretend like nothing happened.
BUT never mess up your order or he will stare at you and send a shiver down the back of your spine like you are a criminal and he is Justice Pao.This is the reason most of his customers all very obedient wan.Order ,eat and leave.

Onion Burger from mobile van @ Hillside Sg Kelian (night)

1.Another overrated recommendation

2.Is nothing wonderful.Is not very tasty.Is a total let down to me.

3.After the first bite I wanted to bite all the people who were lining up and the bugger who recommended this

4.first spectacular thing is lots of onions used

5.second spectacular thing is the line of people but nowadays the line is dwindling.why?who cares?

6.only-locals-who-grew-up-with-it-will-find-this-so-deliciously-amazing

Sin Lee Hin Coffee Shop (Wantan Mee)@opp.Tg bungah rapid bus station

Update :
The original kiamsap couple apparently sold their business to a fella who now serves up a decent looking portion which I still cannot motivate myself to try till today.
You're on your own.

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1.This is where you can get Malaysia's smallest portion of chicken meat in your noodles.A whole three fingernail clippings long

2.you get a tiny fragment of sawi to encourage frugal eating habits to save the world from lack of sawi species

3.actually I hate dining in this coffee shop since i found out that when operators of the other stalls buy cars they insist on paying FULL amount in CASH without installment

4. plus I don't like the hokkien mee stall cos I know the soup is made partially from har mai (dried prawns) which costs cheaper than a stock made from fresh prawns.

Hameediyah @ Jln Campbell

This place is also more for Penangites and true blue Nasi Kandar lovers.However do not attempt to take tourists from overseas or even the local visitors from other states(Johor being the exception) here because they simply will not appreciate this Penang institution.
Nasi kandar may have had its roots in Penang and then spread to the peninsular and south towards singapore.When the original sellers in Penang set up shop elsewhere in malaysia they made a less oily version of the kandar available.The only other state where a layer of oil atop a dish is acceptable is Johor.So in short most Malaysians are used to Nasi Kandar that has less oil.
What is the problem with this layer of oil you say?
First of all to international tourists it is a complete turn off.
Second,ask any local that knows how to cook and they will tell you that if you have such a thick layer of oil on top it means that you used the head of the santan strain (which is actually of higher quality)and were too lazy to laboriously stir the dish so as not to allow the oil from the coconut to break out and settle on top.
I myself like this place for the wonderful tea and spice laden curries but I have also been amused many times by watching tourists wretch and spit out the murtabak and turn up their nose at practically everything they have ordered.
To be fair the ang moh have had some pretty good murtabak elsewhere in the world and the ones in Hameediyah are pretty average.Same goes for the briyani.
If they are the best in penang for these two dishes it is because the other outlets cannot even come up to average.
So do enjoy this place at your own pace and spare your visitors the torture.

Fake Balik Pulau Durians

Did you know?


1.That in 2007,the then PM Badawi flew 200 balik pulau durians at the cost of RM$26000 specially for singaporean PM Lee Hsien Loong?

2.That this flamboyant gesture has made the durians here more famous than ever

3.That some dishonest stall owners now bring in durians from pahang and johor and try to pass them off as balik pulau ones just to cope with demand.do please choose your durians carefully.

Ocean Green Seafood Restaurant (Baked Crab with cheese)@ Jln Sultan Ahmad Shah

If you follow what we did and waited till we had finished all of the other dishes before digging into this baked crab...my advice..DON'T!
This is the single worst baked crab I have ever had in my life.It made me wanna plunge into a volcano so that I could emerge transformed into Ultraman to single handedly destroy the cook.

This misadventure started off from another blog recommendation.You know?the kinda blog with nice pictures and whose owner possessed a nice,kind and wise face?Well lets just say that I had heard of this place before from other people.It was supposed to be the place to go for crabmeat served in its shell.I had resisted many times until I read the blog and then one day i said what the heck let's go.

We arrived and fell in love.It had an old world charm to it that was very colonial with the added bonus of the dining area being directly next to a beach.So fast forward we didn't have much hassle waiting for our meal because we were the first table of diners.We sifted lazily through the spring chicken,soup etc all the while eyeing the pile of crabs as it was supposed to be the highlight finale of the entire meal.

Then once everyone had finished we politely took a shell each and prodded.One of our table even exclaimed "wah! still smoking hot".I did the same.Lifted up the coating of cheese and took a swab of the delicacy beneath.Oh my gaaaawwwddd!!!Where's the tam poi?It was a big mash of overnight kept in the fridge flower crab meat that completely reeked with an unfresh stink so unfitting the end of a nice meal here.And what was that inside the mess?if I am not mistaken pork mince and mayonaise and gooey cheese.oh yucks I really regretted this.

If you have had the privilege of dining on scrumptious crab in a shell from Cherating or Kijal this one dish now makes me aware of why there aren't more places selling this dish in penang.It's because they can't,don't,never have and never will master this dish.

Do yourself a favour if you ever eat here.Not only will this dish burn a hole in your pocket it will also make you burn with the outrage at this wannabe YouCanCookSoCanI sham of a dish.So never order this dish.

Spice Market Dinner Buffet @ Rasa Sayang Hotel

Yes I know this is 5 star but I oso know many islanders whose tastebuds have never been assaulted by anything more foreign than american pizzas and fast foods.DO NOT read further if you do not belong to this category.
Cuisine from all over the world is VERY AUTHENTIC here so very... bo ngam chiak cos

1.italian pasta is xtreme rich n jelak.Delicious looking vege n seafood full of olive oil n vinegars

2.penang curry mee use hongkong/beijing chilli paste which is hotter and coarser and not so flavourful

3.parisian seafood is served very icy cold n lau sai wan with no taste.you have to depend on sauces at the counter according to your liking.

4.sushi not fresh like japan.Ok that's too much to ask but then tempura prawn is using the cheap kinda jelly like prawn that if the char kuay teow man were to use sure no customer wan

5.just stick to the indian n malaysian dishes is best

Spring Cafe @ Prima Tanjung

1.This is basically chinese new village food served in comfortable surround at double the price.You know the quality of most new village food? is terribly bland to hopelessly bad.Is food that people want to eat with minimum flavouring so as to retain the healthy factor of the ingredients.In my opinion is only meant for people who are recovering from illness.

2.since when Kuay Teow soup got long beans inside?Anyway it is severely undercooked like malay ulam.Plus the Ikan pari is not suitable for this dish.It's too dry and serves no purpose except to make the dish look better.

3.However, the noodles are exceptionally silky.a notch better than most penang kuay teow.It is the silky but heavy and thicker kind not the silky and melt in the mouth type.Only consolation is and the prawns are fresh and succulent but now I no wan go Kuala Kurau already

4.Spaghetti sauce is direct from can.In fact I can still taste the metal.This can only happen if one has opened the can and not used all of its contents for a day and then used it when the next scapegoat customer orders a spaghetti dish

Harvest In Cafe @ Irrawaddy Road

Passed by many a time during lunch hour and noticed that each time the place was always packed.Loved how nicely the windows showcased the customers inside and they did look like they were having a blast.The place had a kind of upper Manhattan feel to it where any carefree gal would regularly pop in to catch up on the latest juice with her pals.

So I finally took the plunge yesterday.And it greatly surprised me that such a promising and tastefully done up exterior would have no one to greet and usher you to the interior.I scanned the area selected a corner and the instant I sat down felt that it was decidedly warm.No wonder,the place had no aircond.

When the motley of waitresses had sized me up and when they had decided who was up for the slaughter the menu arrived,and it was in contrast a well thumbed piece with dog ears, a testament to the number of diners hosted here.
I resisted looking at the unfinished flooring and discovered that the only dessert they had was from the ridiculously low priced add on set.It had looked like a place for a sinful piece of cake there was none.only from the add on could you get a tiny morsel.Boy was I irritated.

The prices were cheap.There must be a mistake.Should I get out of here?
I should have trusted my instincts for so much is lacking here.

The soup was the first to arrive.Bega butter with a standard bun.Hmm not too bad.
When my Cajun chick arrived I was thrilled for it was pan grilled to my liking and not too large a serving.I pushed past the boiled brocolli to get to the rice and my face went downhill.
The cook was obviously influenced by those Ads where they spread butter atop hot rice.It just was too amateurish.Too heavy and unsalted,too plain.too oily and just unnecessary...a plate of fries would have done the trick.Suffice to say that almost every dish on the menu was accompanied by this unnecessary evil.
And for heavens sake was that kunyit in my sauce in lieu of saffron?

 I got bored and poked at his mussel.goood....mmmmm......then I flicked his pasta......baaaaaaddddd.

All in all dining here is like riding a roller coaster and I am not returning because no matter how cute the ice cream is the accompanying cake is ala Maxim. And thumbs down to the noisy diners that makes the whole place sound so like a school canteen cum dim sum palace.

Viva Foodcourt Dim Sum @ Tg Tokong(morning)

1.Helen Ong recommend this cos the chef is FORMER chef from hotel wan.

2.Taste is heavily reliant on liqour marinade(chinese wine etc),to the point of overdose but because it is served hot most diners cannot detect the overdose

3.pork based pau is 30% fat which the chef that busy making big big money got no time to chop into small small edible pieces

4.The only good thing here is the big portion

5.But I wonder why if the dim sum got big prawn but got no fly wan?use chemical ah to spray the surrounds or....?

Mamak Mee Goreng Pushcart @ Fettes Park Roadside (night)

1.If u is the first customer ..no problem

2.If he got 5 customer ......you wait sampai tua.

3.If you standing upright u will be weighed down by your janggut by the time he finishes frying your order

Hokkien Prawn Mee @ Hot Wok entrance (night)

1.Horrible soup

2.something not right somewhere.ingredients totally off.

3.even the noodles they use bo ngam.No way the noodles is from Penang(Gasp!don't tell me noodles made in Balakong or Jinjang???)

Viva Foodcourt @ Tg Tokong(night)

1.How dare Helen Ong recommmend this hopeless excuse of an eating place to people?

2.Seafood grill is fresh but chef don't know how to cook like the Goodall case

3.Problem with this place is it has changed hands so many times cos hawkers are all kitchen rejects.some more when change hands for the third time one family pau ka leau 3 stalls selling curry mee,hokkien mee and lor mee

4.Even claypot rice and fried rice can screw up ,can you imagine?

Mc Tucky Fried Chicken aka Muhibbah Ayam Goreng@ Gurney Drive Hawker Centre.

I am posting this here bcos the owner never bothers to change the oil that he fries tons of stuff in it from evening to midnite.
It is extremely addictive and I have to fight the urge to chow down here even though I know it is unfit for human consumption.

So to avoid this predicament don't eat here.

Yong Tau Foo @ Padang Brown(afternoon)

this place is also strictly for Penangites only

1.Tastes nothing like the famous Ampang version

2.Some of the fishballs contain a mince filling that's been marinated with 5 spice powder which corrupts the entire taste of the dish the instant the hawker dips your selected choices into the common soup pot

Jln Caunterhall Corner House Wantan Mee (night)

Never order the soup version because the pig took a hot bath in the soup pot before slaughter.the whole soup reeks of a pig sty! BAD!

Coffee Island @ Gurney Drive

update : Dear regular joes and ah siangs,the umbrella girl types that used to hang out here have sort of scurried away.And with them too,the hunks that like to wear their collars upturned ala dracula style.I really have no inkling why.
Maybe they do read my blog after all.
You may try trawling the Upper Penang Road hangouts after 11pm.I said try ok?No guarantee
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1.This is a hot pick up spot where babes n hunks hang out n try to look cool without aircon

2.They spend so much time feasting their eyes on all the good looking people around them that they actually believe the food tastes good here

Che Go Korean Restaurant @ Aeon Shopping Centre Bandar Perda

1.Not authentic despite the serene and majestic set up

2.Lousy presentation

3.sloppy staff

4.only can bluff people who have never eaten authentic korean food
 
5.wei....kimchi oso can go wrong ar?

Song River Cafe Grilled Seafood Stall @ Gurney Drive(night)

The food here is damn good BUT

1. The owner opens shop whenever he wants to.If he's not open by 11pm, he's not open for the day

2. He determines and releases dishes at fluctuating times according to his moodswings

3.Never summon his highness more than once or he'll ignore your pleas to pay him

4.dont eat here. so you wont get hooked.like me.
I dare not make him angry.
dare not call him/repeat my order after I tell him one time.
dare not ask him why take so long even though wait minimum 45 minutes

G Hotel coffeehouse buffet

1.Only looks impressive with beautiful elegant leafy ambience

2.Only good for desserts

3.Not really good at cooking meats

4.Only other plus is warm and attentive service from floor staff

Heng Huat Cafe Char Koay teow @ lorong Selamat(day)

1.The lady freak chef thinks her shower cap is a crown that makes her the queen of Lorong Selamat.her goggles make her immune to customers venom.

2.she is prone to giving you a piece of her mind if you dare to differ from her recipe

3.eat at your own risk bcos some customers have turned voilent and one has even thrown a brick at her due to reason no2 ( no joke,true story)

TGIF @ Queensbay Mall (unlike the excellent ones in klang valley/selangor)

1. Do not step in here unless you are on a diet

2. Most foods are cooked till they are dry with hardly any oil

3. Nachos are actually limp cardboard paper in disguise
 
4.Unless you stepped in from the Sahara desert,there is no way you can refill your drink (cannot take advantage of free refill)cos the air cond is set to Siberia and the cup is practically so high and tall Vivien westwood shoes are considered short

Taman Free School Hawker Outlet @ Heng Ee School roundabout(night)

1. Do not use/step into/pass by their public toilet.

2. Do not order their seafood bakar/curry cos absolutely not fresh

Lang Sae Lee Thai homecooked food @ Tan Jetty

1. the most overrated food outlet everrrrrr recommended by penang bloggers

2. have you been to pulau ketam?this place is one notch less dirty but still disgustingly dirty nevertheless

3. food costs as much as an in an air conditioned 3 star Thai hotel but tastes like a zero star fleabag hostel
 
4.got dog lying around scratching himself and even half naked kids running around with their ding dongs exposed

T-Bowl Concept Restaurant @ Queensbay mall

1.Sausage is arranged to look like a lump of  freshly laid shit

2.they serve you kimchi soup noodles from mini toilet bowl

3.Your eyes tell your brain there is something wrong here

4.When the message gets to your tongue your stomach tells you to throw up
 
5.Everyone is sitting on toilet bowl that is covered so if you need lau sai u have to run quick quick faiti faiti outside to toilet at the corner of convenience store

Pan mee @ Bukit Jambul flats (lunch)

1. No matter how long you ask them to boil the noodles it will still be hard like plaster of paris

2.If you wear dentures you are bound to have to fish them out of your bowl
 
3.Otherwise taste ok cos pan mee ver hard to screw up wan ok?

Crepe Cottage @ Gurney Drive(night)

1. only meant for those that love meals that blow their brains out cos extremely pepper laden as if it were chilli padi

2. everything is loaded with black pepper/green pepper/or white pepper I don't know
 
3.Don't be fooled by harmless sweet looking little old lady that look like santa claus wife.she really like her stuff hot hot until you become asstronut wan

Famous Fish head Noodles @ Tua Pek kong temple Pulau Tikus(night)

1.No aji = no taste

2.only customers who scared to die from aji will eat here

3.the crowd you see is those who really really don't mind drinking hot fishy water so long as no aji
 
4.When in Penang and you see the word famous actually means NOT famous cos if famous no need to put the word already everyone will know

Yakiniku teppanyaki Japanese Restaurant(grd floor) @ Tg Tokong

1. now I know why they emphasise on the name YAKI

2.service so crass it feels like its a brothel.kitchen helper lady sit like lanchia kia while she pick at vegetables at the counter.where she come from?sia boey ar?

3.food lousy,presentation lousy.all food come on clay tan plates with no sequence of order that no make sense at all

4.only got one chef only .he won't bother to heat up the other teppan 2 cook in front of you if he is so happen cooking on the other teppan

5.they like to serve sloppy and cool food

6.lighting bad plus workers clothes never wash cos not enough detergent.I think is to encourage people to wipe their hands on their clothes

Station 1 Cafe @ Komtar Walk (CLOSED DOWN)

it look like fun we try lunch here.wah price very ok.why?

1.Chef maybe from bangla/nepal/phillipines trying to cook malaysian food plus western

2.whole place smell like smoke factory

3.they screw up my yee mee .you know how hard it is to screw up yee mee?in the menu it look like sang mee but end product is like swimming in a whole bowl of watery oyster sauce

4.staff looooove to watch the tv here.you have to take off your clothes to get their attention

Chee Cheong Chook porridge @ New Lane Hawker Street (night)

1. This is another strictly Penangite stall.Therefore is an acquired taste

2.Most porridge is either bland,tasteless or ajinomoto laden this one is special case ...full of SUGAR! I think they even put EQUAL sweetener inside.

3. I tried very hard to finish but i gave up in the end cos I not want diabetes

Ghee Seng Thai Tomyam @ Weld Quay

1.Seafood not fresh

2.taste more to Haadyai cooking which you won't enjoy if you prefer central thai or northern thai food

3.dirty.oily,totally unhygienic

Queens Food Market @ Queensbay Mall

1.Another 'char lan tou' kena kon into parting with my hard earned money write up by Helen Ong of The Star newspaper

2.owner is from KL went to london now in Penang.OMG! for your info london food is kenot eat wan ok?and KL people no want to eat KL type food while in Penang orite?

3.should be renamed Queer foodcourt for queer variety and queer setting

Lok Lok @ Pulau Tikus Night market hawker street

September 2011 Update:

The first stall nearer to Bandar Baru supermarket,has been replaced by a franchise type of stall with the picture of an Octopus wearing a crown.The staff are in T-shirt uniforms.
Clean and attractive looking,you sit down only to find out that even though hygiene has improved,the quality of quails eggs are questionable.
They have obviously been bought from hypermarts.They smell funny and you risk food poisoning.
The taste of the soup is hopeless.Like dipping your stick into sterilised soup.Yucks
Even though the vege rolls are done BM style,the essential dips lack lustre,oomph and fire

The second stall down the road is less hygienic.Cross contamination is inevitable.But somehow the soup and dips taste much much better.
Just comes to show you how uniformed staff ruins the taste.

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1.Not fresh

2.Smelly

3.Owner not vigilant that's why not fresh and smelly

4.Penang people like to eat cheaper things like fishballs that's why there will cross contamination from seafoods like snails.oysters ,shellfish,octopus and such which are left exposed for longer on the table

Kedai Kopi Bee San Fried Oyster Omelette@ Air Itam district (night)

Have you ever seen another Penangite begging their guests to give it another chance?This place is the same case as Seng Thor @ Carnavon street just one degree less oily and globby.so please give this a miss

Seng Thor Coffeeshop Fried Oyster Omelette@ carnavon street.

This place is strictly reserved for penangites.
Nobody else in the rest of malaysia will eat this.
But Penang people won't understand so you will have to excuse yourself or run off before you puke while downing the huge oily and flour filled glob that looks like it could be a ghostbusting weapon

Gurney Drive Hawker Center

1. Ask any local to take you here and they will try their best to dissuade you because ,the food quality is so bad that we're too ashamed to take anyone here.Penang food is very finely prepared with lots of tender loving care taken to so that finicky eaters will be satiated and return for more.There is none of that over here.Food is roughly prepared,sloppy and done in a great hurry due to the great volume of patrons.

2. Variety no good.There are countless stalls selling assam laksa that is more to KL taste(sourish more than sweet),and Penang Rojak.

3. Beware of the prawn cracker from dancing pasembor man.You might end up with food poisoning cos the prawn in  it has actually gone bad

4. Fruits cost sky high

Seafood Grill Stall @Goodall Foodcourt (Opposite Peng Hwa Girls School)

Seafood Grill Stall @Goodall Foodcourt (Opposite Peng Hwa Girls School)

1. Looks very impressive smells very good but don't be fooled.They cannot cook!

2. You don't cook shellfish with lots of cornstarch ok?It turns into a slimy uneatable mess that looks like vomit!

3. Other than that their seafood is fresh but if they can screw up my grilled ikan Pari ,I rest my case!

4.Upon further investigation the good smell actually comes from Godfather Italian food next door cos of his secret recipe.How I know cos I sneak a peek.One day I order food from him and he so happen run out of one ingredient.I standing there he try to hide with his body and plastic bag but because I use this product myself I now know what his secret is.