Do be patient with me.It will be further updated from time to time when I can recall some rough guidelines that I actually put into practise
How to select the wrong Penang eateries
1. Find a stall with the word "FAMOUS" emblazoned across the signboard.If it were so famous they wouldn't want to label themselves as such because everyone would be able to sniff them out even if they hid themselves in an underground mortuary and they would have a really hard time coping with the avalanche of orders
2. Lookout for the word "INSTANT COOK".Penang food takes time to conjure so if this sign promises a magic trick most times it is just what it is a trick or a franchise or business opportunity for operators who can cook up a trick not a treat.
3. Watch out for the word "THAI FOOD"I actually witnessed a thai food stall operator fall asleep with his mouth wide open while other stalls around him did a roaring trade.I am not gonna tell you where so don't ask cos I didn't dare try to eat or order from him.Most thai food in Penang is terribly bad so to be safe and not waste your money,give it a miss or take a flight to Bangkok.It is as if the kingdom of Siam expelled all wannabes cooks from their land and the only suckers they could find that liked their wannabe food enough was gullible Penangites.Over time bad thai food became so acceptable,Penang people actually think it is good.
4. if you are in the mood for Japanese and you go into a restaurant where the waitresses don T-shirts and do not greet you with a smile or speak in gruff moody voices...run!
5. If it is 8p.m. and the restaurant is empty...don't be an idiot.This is the peak time where we Penangites eat..walk away
6. You see any place with the word "NYONYA" on it you guaranteed to be taken for a ride already.It is just an excuse to squeeze more money out of you.If you want a real authentic taste of Penang Nyonya food to be frank there is none.Even if there is they wouldn't have the finesse of the grand old dames which are mostly dead or invalid.Most have intermarried so much that there are heavy thai/burmese/laotian/chinese influences in the cooking.Take my advice,visit any economy rice stall at lunch time bursting with office workers and labourers and zoom in on the gulais.That's what Penangites do and THAT is the better and cheaper Penang Nyonya food substitute that you will ever find.However be forewarned that the dishes will be sweet.You have been warned.
7. NEVER EVER attempt SIAM LAKSA unless you like Johor Laksa or Sarawak Laksa or Laotian Laksa.It is an oily santan clogged,gross looking dish only the locals will devour.Sometimes the operator offers Assam Laksa as well.
Don't....it will be equally bad and awful as they are just trying to cash in on both segments of the laksa crowd.
8.Try to avoid eating Pau or Lomaikai that are sold everywhere on the island.Most places dare to stock items that have already gone bad,rancid etc and as such if you were to unknowingly consume them you would risk food poisoning.If you really need to,the best places are where there is a big crowd of motorbikes stopping to order them, such as in the vicinity surrounding Jln Terengganu at night or large dimsum outlets in the morning
9. Avoid being shammed by most restaurants boasting to be of Hainanese heritage or claiming to be serving authentic Hainanese foods.
These places are actually run by watered down Teochews,due to intermarriage, who really should stick to Teochew cuisine and cut the crap trying to pretend to be able to churn out Hainanese dishes.
How to select the right Penang eateries
1.Try to spot where the overweight,roly poly or plum Penangites eat.They are quite a rare species that it is almost always a sure fire strategy if you spot a congregation of them lining up at a stall, unless of course you mistook a curious meaty outsider for a chunky Penangite.
2. If the owner is stuck up,and doesn't engage in eye contact with you,prefers to ignore you so you have talk to his assistant,is eccentric,is moody,or acts downright like a weirdo, probably you can get the 'privilege' of ordering some morsels but try to come earlier than 6am for breakfast,8am for elitist after breakfast crowd,11am for lunch and 7pm for dinner to avoid the ever willing to put up with this bad behaviour patrons of his.Bear in mind that you will most probably have to endure a one hour wait if you so choose to try out these places.
I am so ashamed at having to put this tip in but this is what it boils down to over here.
3. Those that operate for just two hours before everything is wiped out.Please note that I personally hate these places unless I am that desperate
4. Try those that open at unearthly hours like one place that our ex PM Badawi patronises in Air Itam,they start at 3 or 4am.
Yes really.
And no,over my dead body will I travel there either cos I don't like to pass by a few cemetries at that witching hour,just to eat there
