San Cafe char koay teow @ New Lane aka Lorong Baru (night)

Last time, this kopitiam used to sell pirated CD's. Now they sell pirated char koay teow with a recipe copied from the Straits of Uganda for all I care.

The thing is when you see the two frying stations with big stainless steel suckers in front of the shop, it looks like a dead serious professional business with lots of serious fans (that is if they're still alive and kicking).
And the chef makes a good first impression as a pro ckt wok shaker and mover until it dawns upon you that he's just very clever at acting like a very good ckt seller who's incorporated some 'feeling' and gets emo around a kuali.

All around this cafe, are tables with the word ckt on it.
So you probably will be fooled into thinking that hey, maybe this is the real deal eh ?

Wrong !

The cockles are so rotten you might contract hepatitis from a to z and beyond upon contact
The ckt is so dead pan dry, you might think that they piled the ckt on a plate and whacked it like they just saw an army of cockroaches doing an auntie line dance on top.
What you get is a very nice, nerdily flat and lembik flaccid penis like annihilated organ belonging to some used to be alive roadkill presented to you on an offensive plate of what resembles degenerating ckt six feet under.
It's totally not worth it, it's outrageously expensive (wow they really got balls for this) and ALL the tong sui drinks they ever dare to serve here totally sucks.
They give you a bowl where they even put grains that give you a migraine with a lump of barley that has fermented and stuck together to form a mini meteorite so you can shoot to the moon in the privacy of your toilet cubicle for less than a billion dollars.

If you eat here you need to gather all the holy books you own, get all the bomohs and shamans to form a protective force field around you to keep you from puking or turning into a lump of fizzled from the inside bak.

No.1 for looking like a genuine ckt when it is actually pirated ckt. Penang is doomed.

Why Chain restaurants shouldn't hire foreigners

Have you ever wondered what foreign workers cook for themselves to eat when they are alone and homesick in the back of the kitchen ?

Most of them are severely underpaid. Most get paid $300 for being full time staff. BIG CORPORATIONS that actively donate very publicly to charities are some of the biggest culprits in this matter.

When our locals try to apply for jobs, they tell them there is no vacancy but in the next breath, tell the government that Malaysian youths are all lazy. Liars .

I can name you some places but the best way for you to flush them out is to try to talk to these workers . You can find them in chain outlets selling Malaysian kopitiam food,burgers, donuts and snacks like pretzels, bakeries even . 

If they are Indons, they DARE NOT TALK with you as we can tell from their slang. In some cases, they might even act dumb. So if you are speaking in Malay to them and they are acting stupid, chances are they are lowly paid Indons who are tied on contract work here. Really stupid because it seems a lot of these Indons who come here may look like Malays but are actually non Muslims yet they have no qualms donning the tudung to pretend and look the part.

While banglas,nepalese,cambodians and myanmarese will readily warm up and chat with you, how much do we really know about their favourite foods.

The Vietnamese as we know, drool at the sight of dogs and cats. Whole neighbourhoods have been purged of furry creatures whenever there are new arrivals. Luckily, they like to work in factories.
But some apparently like frogs. I do not know which country these originate from. They must have some Chinese ancestry.They could be cooking toad for all we know.Which is perfectly fine except that the unproven crime was committed in a restaurant that can be frequented by Muslims.

Really serves the corporate bigwigs right when something like this happens and their intended customer base start dwindling down to zero.

There is a picture in this article below. Correct me if I am wrong but from the looks of the apron , Papparich is involved in this fiasco.

No wonder the last steamed chicken I had there looked so,so weird. They are better at frog meat. No wonder the stall with Cambodian workers selling economy rice,now tastes like shit.

Would I mind if my chicken was boiled in the same pot as the frog/iguana/civet/turtle/snake/monkey was ?

I sure as hell do !

This blogger has provided details of the particular local workers who discovered the deed . Apparently it isn't the first time the culprit chef has cooked frog in the kitchen

http://usezworkshop.blogspot.com/2012/07/tukang-masak-pappa-rich-makan-katak.html

Link and pictures of the raided restaurant

http://www.kwongwah.com.my/news/2012/07/27/14.html

Porridge Supper Buffet @ Cititel Penang

You might be forgiven if you thought you have stumbled upon a soup kitchen for obese and overweight jailbirds ,at the back of this hotel.

The sight that takes you aback is 10 tables full of ravenous bulging eyes,getting ready like at the start of a marathon line, almost to the point of popping out of their sockets,eyeing the miserable offerings on which dish is most valuable to attack first.

Never mind,you let them go first and you choose to wait,cos hey,it's a buffet after all right? By right the food will be replenished right?

Wrong.

The crowd was kind enough to leave us the only thing from the battlezone,that they were not interested in for that moment.Stewed chicken feet with no mushroom.So that was exactly what we ate first .Stewed chicken feet and white porridge.

When we went back for a second round even that became extinct.

Half an hour goes by before the staff replenish one dish. I don't care what it is,nothing looks edible.
By this time the Hungry Starving Ghosts,have gone on to bulldoze other things they didn't care for in the beginning.
I think if they had steamed rocks they would have snatched those too.

Finally after wrestling past a rampaging aunty anaconda, I got some chai boey that looked so overboiled till the leaves were about to disintegrate.

You could kill a bird with the pau.The paste is atrocious.
The fairytale dimsums were the happy ending at the bottom of some fatso's stomach lining.Of course naturally never to be replaced with new ones ever again.

It was interesting to note that I could easily poison the entire ecosystem just by throwing the dish of fish with beans back into the ocean.But those desperados also whacked them as if there was no tomorrow.
Cos they ain't humans,they're pigs with stomachs of goats.

Woefully I look back at where the stewed chicken feet used to stand,.
My friend,oh my friend ....where art thou?
In its place were stewed half boiled eggs.Laid by feetless chooks.
Cos no more feet even.Just saucey hard boiled eggs which are so hard to digest without a drink.

So you drag your feet over to the drink section.The dark dark half lit area where the coffee machine lies shivering,hoping the gang will overlook its existence.

Forget about any other drink other than self pressed coffee and water.

You tell me,how to eat Teochew porridge with hard boiled eggs, kerabu whattheshit , nescafe kaukau and creamer? Cialat,real cialat.

Then...suddenly the skies opened up,a rainbow appeared and I thought I struck lottery until I found out that the chopped chicken smells and tastes so unappetising as if they were left to absorb the roadside drain aroma of Cecil Street market.
Still they soldiered on.And whacked all that to oblivion in no time with big happy satisfied smiles.

That's it.

Now I know what the heck is wrong. Everything tastes like leftovers from the various restaurants in this hotel.

And I can't believe we're actually paying for it..

Ugh !!

Wong Kok Kitchen @ Gurney Plaza

I should have known better when I saw Ayam Masak Merah on the menu in this supposed to be Hongkong cuisine restaurant.
The place is almost always half full,other times empty and now I know why after I dined here today.

Almost every diner here is a first time suckertomer.
Most never end up finishing the food on the plate as well as their drink, because it is unimaginably undrinkable and uneatable.
Sucktomers share a common affliction.
They cannot muster up a smile after eating here.They play with their chopstick and push the food around hoping to find a dignified ending to this mistake of a miserable eating experience.


Verdict :
No.1 champion for B grade.
Berak.
Behlim.
Behchiak.


Foods : Berak.Behchiak.Waste of time lausai inducing food using the worst Hongkong recipe ever,with taste fit for Longkang.

Drinks : Behlim.Penang's most flat tasting lousy clueless drinks made by the most stupid talentless aunty in the drink department using all the worst drinks chemistry passed down by toilet cleaners.


So called Hongkong milk tea - watered down crap that tastes more like half a Cameron Highland underwear teabag after you add sugar.


So called dry Hongkong wantan mee - boric acid crap served with prawn wantan mixed with smelly armpit,fatty parts of unfresh,disgusting tasting pork ,poured over with light sweet soya sauce that tastes like absolute shit.


Char siew sou (pastry) - inside filling is ok. But the pastry is like 5 layers of envelope soaked in flour and baked in the microwave


Ice blended grape drink - uninspiring ribena laced with crushed ice


Portions : zero value for money,tiny,pathetic,only filling if you order 3 portions of the same dish.I think even sewer rats will snub the food here.

Wong Kok Char Chan Teng @ Gurney Paragon

Name :
Wow so impressive

List of outlets :
fuyooooo from JB to Singapore to Pavilion and now Penang

Service :
Better than most Penang outlets

HK Tea :
Better and double Kim & Gary's portion

Food Presentation :
ZERO,this is rojak boiled together with whatever required as per recipe

Taste :
I have to agree with their slogan....
To Taste Hong Kong,Taste In Wong Kok
Actually what they mean is....instead of putting your tongue on the street and rubbing it through the entire length of Nathan Road,
why not save yourself the humiliation and trouble,
pay only $2 for parking and come do it here in air conditioned dignity.

The creamed soups taste like expired boxed dried soup taken from an antique cupboard fished out from Repulse Bay
The vegies are cooked Boy Scout campfire style
Meats are all pre roasted for further preservation purposes in case the Manchurian Dynasty stages a comeback
Superior soups .....not in the least refined,so unsuperior like Sia Boey,beca man style food.
Even their fresh fruits are vinegarish and look like they were sold in a school fun fair stall with no customers

Verdict :
Lao Sai
Sigh.......

Bak Moi,Pork Porridge @Kedai Kopi Ho Ping, Kampung Malabar (Night)

Located next to an alleyway filled with rats the size of kittens,with unwashed plates scattered on the roadside for them to trod,lick and scamper upon,this is one dish which you have to have been subjected to during your childhood,in order for you to show any form of appreciation for.
Waiting time can be excrutiating and just the act of ordering,an intimidatingly chaotic experience.

Even if you were exposed to this when young,doesn't neccessarily mean that you will ever grow to gloat over it.
Cos the smell is a major turn off,the cleaning a time consuming,tedious process,that it makes us prefer not to cook this at home anymore.

It stinks as bad as the day the pig wallowed in metres of muddy excrement.
So bad it penetrated every part of its body reaching to the furthest recesses of its internal organs that intense boiling cannot counter.

The chinese consider animal offals as a tonic for every corresponding part of the human organs.
Thus if one were giddy or wanted to score 19As for your SPM,one would consume pig's brains.
And if you wanted to perk up YOUR kidneys,you eat PIG kidneys.
Their spare parts are akin to our spare parts.
Doesn't make any sense,yeah I know.

Thus I have seen angmohs pulling back their heads,aghast at the sewage like vapour emenating from the piping hot bowl of liver,kidneys,brains,intestines,tongue etc etc in front of them.
Eyes bulging,confused that other diners find no offence,fear building up on their faces and beading in cold sweat,close to fainting and puking before giving up.

So please,look at the categories below and see which one you belong to.

If you are

1. a foreigner
2. or not a chinese
3. a chinese that has never eaten a bowl of mixed offals cooked by the chinese before

you should NEVER attempt this nasty,putrid dish,no matter how good/delicious/healthy a picture anyone paints this out for you.

If you do,you really have to get a barf bag ready,yes,even if you are French.
Cos it's like having Batsoup boiled with drain water chanelled from a subterranean farm beneath Gotham city.
And if sick doesn't get to you,the resident vermins would see to it that you do eventually .

Sin Soon Lee @ Sg Bakap,Jawi

We drove all the way in here,all for the sake of the so called, best in the world chai kueh.
What a blady waste of time.
Melt in my mouth,silky smooth, my ass.

You poke it with your chopstick,it collapses,as if it were a hopelessly,no skill,kanji molded piece of flour sheet crap,example of primate berak,a lump of white gooey undissolved sticky floury shit on a plate.
Pass me a fan before I hyperventilate.
Talk about the inside,the chives were steamed for way too long just to the point where they are just about to turn brown yet they're still green in colour,get it?

And you call this a dim sum shop?
I would never EVER dare label this as a bona fide dim sum outlet.
Everything is done so chor lor,so very roughly.
Very,very kampung auntie type of cooking.
It's bad,and it's not as if I look down on village food but I know some mean ones who can beat this hands down anytime.
There's soooo much roughly minced pork utilised in almost every dish.
Sticking out from every mini saucer,with the texture of game like meaty hash browns.
Made me wanna keel over and faint right there on the spot in Sty-le.
The fact that they're not chopped finer makes one feel as if we were eating it straight off a squiggly tailed behind,like some nasty carnivore.
Hints of eau de la hogwash,are an utter turn off.

Aiyo I wanted to puke on the spot.Yaaaaccckkk.And to think,I actually do enjoy eating pork.

The crab shell with minced pork was 'crabby' and 'porky' all at once.Bleaugh.Stinky.eeeeewwwwww.
Damnit.

Fishballs,are the colour of sun soaked yellowish grey cardboard,punched,punctured and unappetizing.
Jeez

This is so not pleasant,so much so I'm beginning to babble in Oink language.

We also ordered char tang hoon,which was a lifesaver cos it was the most bland dish out of the lot yet I found alright cos I was just so dazed ,knocked out by this very chinese kampung like ,farming community food.

Goodness,talk about hygiene,there's even a swiftlet hotel right next door.So clever.Makes it more tasty is it?

To sum it up,the environment gave me an instant headache,shoddy presentation sent my tummy topsy turvy, overdose,caused by pigmulnary resuscitation.

Half eaten,Fully paid,frothing at my mouth(ok I'm exaggerating here),
I fled far as my trotters could carry me, to the roast duck lady down the road,where I washed my tastebuds,mouth and internal organs,with as much juicy roast duck as I could possibly swallow,just to mask the babiness of it all.

Sin Chew @ Lebuh Katz

This is labourer class cuisine.
People,especially women come here because they don't want to sit perched on a tiny stool on top of another bench,diagonally across the road from Traders Hotel on Magazine Road.

Restricted to those who have been regularly dining on the fattest of pigs,offals and innards.
Sloppiest,roughest cut,grossest looking peasant style foods that tastes like a heavenly reminder of home cooked comfort food ONLY if you grew up on such a diet mind you.

Cholesterol is not an issue here,their rich ajinomoto soups being a major heartwarming draw.

What I would recommend that you avoid completely like the plague is their chicken dishes.

See,they're absolutely not cut out for fowl.
It smells ,it stinks,it's bad,it's horrid,its geli,it's jelak.
I took one bite,squirmed in my seat,spit out the remainder and chucked it aside.

Reminds me of the year old chicken cooped up by one relative,boiled,chopped and plonked on my plate to greet the new year.
For luck,they insisted I had to finish it,skin,meat and all.
Hard luck,after I dunked it in two tablespoons of ketchup,I retched all the contents of my stomach up .

Just don't,I'm not kidding.

Another thing you have to know is that this is a smokers den.They're everywhere.No way you can avoid them.They puff away like there's no tomorrow hoping you'll both meet on the journey to hell eventually.

Sticky @ Pavillion,Kuala Lumpur

For the sake of a clutch of Aussie franchised technicolour sweets,I waded through the horrible jams of Kay El proportions on a "when you are there,don't forget to get this this this,plus that and those for me "errand.

From all the second hand hype I had heard,coupled with enthusiastic enquiries written all over its Malaysian facebook page,who wouldn't have expected this shop to be an Aladdin's crystal cave where zam zam alakazam,every candy you ever wished for,was a command  they would fulfill?

Instead,when you arrive here,doesn't matter if you are armed with a ready to swipe platinum.
Brace yourselves for the following

1. You have to clamour,claw,plead,threaten or cajole barely out of their teens staff for a damn bottle of their rock hard glazed beads.
2. You also have to pit your wits against other shoppers on the lookout for THAT elusive mixed flavour bottle
3. The shop is so small,so uncool,confined as a toilet that looks as if it were modelled after a Bak Kwa chain
4. EVERY SHELF IN THE SHOP IS EMPTY ! THERE'S JUST NOTHING TO BE BOUGHT !
5. Save for the lowest shelf .Where they DARE hawk rejected tak jadi candy labelled as "Off Cut" for $5 a blob of malformed faecal bricks.
6. The highest shelf behind the inaccessible fortress is where they display individual laboratory glasswares containing a rainbow of opium shades.
7. The local staff are really hardcore,answering every query with a robotic face and similar toned reply  since they have to put up with the hapless foreign candymakers beside them,gaggles of gawking onlookers staring at The Process,juggle freeloaders inching their fingers past yet another body,while keeping the shadow stalking precustomers at bay.
8. For what is essentially supposed to be a happy confection,this place is seriously understaffed,the workforce tediously overworked,the onslaught of insatiable customers causing the problem.. depressingly oversold.
9. The candy looks better on their facebook.In reality,what you get are sweets that are so roughly chopped due to time factor,the end result is a dusty hypothesis of shimmering bamboo dart splinters.
10. This is a TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT outlet.There is simply no range and no choice leaving you no room to be fussy.Forget about special requests.Don't even fantasize about laying your hands on personalised compressions.Grab what you can,that is if there is even anything left for you to grab.
11. You have to spend some time here,staking out the shop,scanning their shelves in and out,up and down like a madman for new flavours that they MIGHT add,akin to bait on a fishing rod with you as the ultimate catch.What the fish!
12. Worst of all is the anti shoplifting reminder "Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted"I mean,what the heck is there to shop or lift when everything is still in the process of being made?

The following is a true conversation yours truly engaged in with one of their  Canneversmile cashiers who also pitifully have to double up as packers,under warm,underlit conditions,for their kiamsap bosses.

Sucktomer : Miss,do you have any more candy?
MissSticky : No
Sucktomer : What about the colourful ones?
MissSticky : No
Sucktomer : (pointing to the whole pile of multi hued bags behind her) Then what about those?
MissSticky : No
Sucktomer : What time will they be ready?
MissSticky : Later
Sucktomer : Ok then,when is the best time for me to come back?
MissSticky : Don't Know
Sucktomer : Pleaselah,I come from very far.Aiyoh,not even one jar left?
MissSticky:  No

I cannot imagine anybody ever describing this nightmare of a chopshop as a workplace of their dreams.

In the end I had to settle for a single flavour that the Banglanators were uncopingly churning out slower than the furiously waiting crowd could fathom.

Not to be outdone,I returned the next morning,a party of three beat me to the first jar,then the second,before I gave up on the third.
What am I talking about? Well,you see,the thing is this.
They only put one bottle out at a time for the most popular range.Leaving us to scramble for scraps or wait around like beggars ,for the exact time they decide to release another ONE jar.

While this gimmick employed has been successful in sparking a frenzy,Never again,will I return!

Conclusion : Sticky is Icky!

Sin Lean Heang @ Macallum Street Ghaut

I don't know which village these Hokkeins belonged to when they washed up on Penang island but they certainly are a disgrace,when it comes to cooking Bak Kee soup.
Worst Hokkein Bak Kee Th'ng version in the entire Hokkein world.
Holy shit,this is the baddest ass Hokkein soup I have ever tasted in my entire life,yet they have the gall to tell people that everyone should "learn to drink this soup because this is what Hokkein people drink".
Yea ...like you need to screw the many nuts loose in your head man.
Stop the bluffing and buck up on your cooking.Like seriously.And stop screwing around with those in the dark or messing with those in search of their roots by telling them that this is IT.
The real deal.What being Hokkein means/is all about.
Like when?Back in the old days when the Larut Wars were in vogue?Onboard a junk on the way here?
This is Inedibly Undrinkable.
You're crap.A bad cook.You messed up.Big time.This so,so,so wrong.Period.

It's so gross,the pork bits are encased in a tomb of sticky tasteless starch that is left to drench and drizzle in an oily well of basically what I would call hot salty brownish putrid water.Poured on top of raw white rigid shredded cabbages till it pierces the tastebuds with a sharp wasabe like smell that 'shoots up the nose".Picture drinking sulphuric soup with carelessly cut salads,with strips of quiverring pork floating around in a jungle hotspring and you'll get my dirft.
Chewing on the pork,makes the toes and knuckles curl in,cos the layer of flour is so thick,by the time your teeth journey to where the meat begins,you end up losing your appetite.If you believe that this actually works in tenderising the meat,one word to you,ugh! What it does is seal it from being overcooked,thus if the meat is done this badly to begin with,it ends up a failure both in and out.

While their noodle dishes,do certainly please beyond expectations tastewise,and the white rice,is amazingly fragrant,the oysters found within the noodles are too tiny for enjoyment and the prawns the cheapo jellyish translucent type preffered by todays CKT stalls.
The omelette is another disastrous outing in flour wrestling mania ,and becomes extremely jelak after 3 mouthfuls.Again,the oysters found here are too insignificant to taste.Comes with a crusty layer much like how the current oyster omelette stall in Yi Garden likes to do it.
One nice difference is the addition of kuchai.But how to enjoy when so jelak so quick?

Since a one hour wait was customary,we saw it fit to order some soya bean drinks.
Don't ! Even though it sells out fast,it tastes like dried soya skin juice blended together and seived into a bottle.
Ridiculous and horrid!

A word of caution.
The dishes here are extremely high in cholesterol as well as overloaded in zinc and iron from the oysters.
This in turn may cause symptoms like weakness,excessive sweating,giddiness,extreme sleepiness and swellings to occur.
Not recommended that you take a day trip here and drive back,immediately after a meal here.
Some will relate that,you might even get the feeling that your entire body as well as your brains feel a crushing pressure as if you were in an aircraft cabin.That,just from consuming those tiny minuscule sea creatures,can you imagine?
So what it boils down to is....
is the pleasure of a meal here worth the pressure?You be the judge of that.

Restoran Chuan Bee @ China Street

Overheard at the table behind us,a smart alec dished out this gem of an advice loud and clear enough for everyone to hear
"Never come here to eat,if you are really hungry"

Yes,it's true.This is where snails and tortoises congregate,when they need to take a chill pill,then proceed to remove their shells,only to decimate away on the very chairs which they are seated.

Service is so legendarily slow mo,never come without bringing a newspaper along with you.Upon finishing,you may proceed to the obituary pages and cut a hole in the centre of one undearing departed.Lift up the hole and position it in such a way that any of the kitchen staff's faces,may fit in.

Most of the customers here already have one foot in the grave.The younger set,have a misguided notion, that dishes that take 15 minute intervals to arrive at your table are a sign of a virtuous cook.Thus if you are the first in line,with 5 pax to a table,you won't get the chance to eat all at once.God help you if you are table no3.

Bear in mind,that most requests from you,are followed by perplexing hollers from the order taker,to the chef at the back of the kitchen ....on whether"Do we still have it?"

I would have preferred the chicken chop,which was nicely done with less flour coating than most places,only if it came without the gravy.Cos the sauce was a horrible mix of ketchup from the bottle mixed with flour and water.
While the roti babi's filling was very nice, the bread wrap wasn't exactly wonderful,plus I was lost as to how even the customary worcestershire based dip could end up a bland failure.
Can you believe,we even had the gall to call for some chu char dishes.A total of 5 differents fares.The first arrived before the chop and the last only after we had finished the roti babi.
In all cases,the amount of salt used is a problem.Some contained too little,while others ended up extremely salty like our shrivilled kangkong belacan.

Eat here,to fritter your life away as you contemplate and analyse how the end of your days flashing past you at 15 minutes per serving,would feel like

Kafe 2828 (Beef Noodles) @ near Salvation Army Thriftshop Jln Perak

Absolutely top of the list as the most pain in the ass place you can ever choose to eat beef noodles on the island.

The taste is similar to the

1. Weld Quay foodcourt near Allianz Bank(where the meat still retains a strange pinkish hue as if under cooked even after intensive boiling)
2. the outlet next to the pedestrian bridge opposite the ferry terminal (original uncle with his second tiger wife)
3. Island Plaza gangster foodcourt outlet (this couple is like totally blur and mixed up) since they are somehow related to each other.

Rumour has it,the outlets in Bagan Jermal and Air itam have closed down due to the untimely deaths of the individual operators.

The old uncle in Weld Quay at one time relocated to Setapak but quickly fled back here less than 6 months later for reasons best know to himself.

I hate coming here.Honestly its such a freaking,bloody waste of time.
Every table is filled because people are STILL waiting for their food.

You can grow your moustache here,play monopoly even paint your nails here.Still your food will not arrive.

And then there is subject of the lady behind the counter of the coffeeshop who must have been a pretty lass in her heydays.
She takes great delight in singling out good looking husbands or hot male dates, before she proceeds to shamelessly oogle or worse flirt with them as an invalid man (whom I presume to be her dahlink) looks on helplessly.
Awful!Definitely not worth the wait especially since you have those 3 other outlets to choose from

One & a Half Hours Later

KL is an impatient fast paced city unlike Penang.When it comes to food we are like angels that are so patient waiting for it to arrive.The longer it takes the more we are under the misconception that the food must take some effort to prepare and therefore must be delicious.So we wait and wait and wait.

This is a fatal mistake when Penang operators take this kind of attitude down to set up shop in KL.It will signal your demise.Cos unlike Penangites,there will be some KLItes that storm out in an outraged huff and never return.Those that sit it out until the food arrives will pay the bill with a black face and swear not to return.

But our hawkers and restaurant owners are so molly coddled by us.To wait 45 minutes to kingdom come at a popular place is the nothing of course compared to a one & a half hour one.
The only person so far on  this island that can get away with this miserable waiting time and still flourish is that bloody James Foo,the one that causes parking obstructions in Fettes Park cos he seems to get into countless fights with other business owner from the now closed down Syawara Steamboat that had to station a guard in the parking lot to the small time ckt seller that he bullied relentlessly in front of all his customers many years ago.

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Mother's Day Dinner Frustration (Malay Mail)

IMAGINE being forced to wait for your food for more than one-and-a-half hours on a special occasion with your loved ones.
Describing the recent dining experience at the “worst restaurant he has visited this year”, 38-year-old Nelson Lin from Kuala Lumpur tells Hotline that on Mother’s Day (May 8), he went to Ahimsa Vegetarian Restaurant in Endah Parade, Bandar Baru Sri Petaling, for dinner with a group of eight adults and four children, including his 82-year-old mother.
LIN says there were many customers when he reached the restaurant at 6.45pm and some of his family members who arrived earlier were already seated.
According to him, they waited for more than 15 minutes before someone came to take their orders.
“My brother wanted to order ala carte dishes but was advised they may take a longer time to prepare as there were many customers at the time. So, we opted for the dinner set as recommended by the lady boss and chose the least expensive nine-course set (RM395) out of the two set options.
"Drinks were also served after some time. After waiting for 30 minutes, my brother asked a waiter about our order but was told to wait.
"Looking at our family members who were famished, my brother again went to the cashier counter to enquire about the food but was told the restaurant had run out of gas. They were replacing the gas tank and they told my brother to wait."
LIN says his family waited from 6.45pm to 8.15pm before the first dish arrived.
At 8.45pm, LIN’s group received the fifth course out of nine dishes.
“Due to time constraints, we could not afford to wait for the full course. Even when settling our bill, everyone had to wait for a long time.”
LIN says the five dishes came up to RM300 (instead of RM395 for the full course) and the family paid RM354.17 in total, which included drinks and miscellaneous items.
“Looking at the other patrons who brought their kids and elderly parents to the restaurant, I saw children crying and the senior folks’ faces going pale with hunger."

● AHIMSA Vege Health Food Industries Sdn Bhd general manager Andy Low Kia Heng says: “Even though LIN’s description was a bit of an exaggeration, we believe he did not make this up. We would like to offer our apologies.”
Low says most restaurants, including the Ahimsa's outlet in Endah Parade, were packed on Mother’s Day.
"The mall uses a central gas supply system that is channelled to the restaurants. On the day in question, the air conditioning system developed a low pressure condition and along with other restaurants in the mall, they did not have gas supply until 7.45pm.
"At that point, our restaurant was already filled with customers and without gas, it could not function.
“We did not want to make a fuss with the mall as we have a good relationship so we just have to absorb all our customers' feedback."
Low says to make up for the inconvenience caused to LIN, Ahimsa wishes to meet with LIN over a meal to extend their sincere apologies.
When contacted, LIN says he can understand the difficulties faced by the restaurant at the time but looking at the service and response of the staff, it was rather unfortunate for the customers.
LIN, who eventually accepted Low’s invitation after a second persuasion, expressed his ordeal to Low when they met.
“Because of their sincerity, I accept Ahimsa’s explanation. I’m satisfied with the management’s immediate response."

Make Door Nails @ Greenlane

As long as you stick to the drive in counter and never EVER use the toilet next to the cashiers,you will remain an innocent virgin.
The toilet is forever clogged and gross, floating with human by products donated by the desperately in need or those who have a phobia towards flushing handles.
If you really,really have to dine in however please stay downstairs and keep your experience short and sweet.
DO NOT head upstairs.
Why?
Well the place upstairs attracts teens from the many schools in the vicinity like bees to honey.
If the TV3 office were located next door,this place would be featured fairly regularly on some moral decay programme.The anti valentine ustazah would definitely tut tut this too.
Reason?
This is where Hormonal teens like to congregate.
You don't need to fly and endure a shItty AA flight to Paris to see lovers locked in embrace,nor head onto Haadyai for a 'show'.
Our teenagers will show you(only if you are another teenager) just how it is done here,in uniform on schooldays and in casual clothes on weekends.
(Just imagine if one cctv recording falls into the clutches of our VCD pirates.All the adults on the island would want to watch this)
I don't want to elaborate further,just that if you are holier than thou parents who have forgotten what puppy love is and you have a teenage daughter who INSISTS on having some 'clean' 'fun time' here hanging out with her 'friends'as they are 'studying' or HAVE to complete a 'school project' in this outlet,(think I have given enough hints of keywords to watch out for,parents)
you might want to entertain the thought of her and her pickle,beef n onion loving infatuation of the moment exploring each others cavities in public.
In case you didn't already know,our teenage girls are not promiscous,it's just that their cell number gets passed around EVERY single boys schools on the island(oh?you didn't know that?),whom apparently message them enmass for a response,which leads to a torrid hook up here (cos there's wifi mah).
Yea,you heard me,don't just blame the pimply dingdongs......as long as the Juliets don't initiate or give the final OK,the Casanovas will keep their distance one signal away.Once the wispy Romeos get the green light........remember,
Adults please stay downstairs for two reasons
1. To avoid making them 'Steam'
2. To avoid having our already messed up heads ending up more corrupted knowing our young cyborgs are hell bent on a softdrink/fries fuelled mission to copulate mars and venus .
Wonder if Facebook will be blamed for a population explosion after this?

Restoran Kolam Ikan @ Sg Kob,Kulim

This place looks like Chin Peng's hideout or an outlaw's den where murders are committed with quiet abandon.The entrance into the farm is so eerie,and so quiet,that I wouldn't be surprised in the least if some day,a motorist gets waylaid,robbed,his woman dragged uphill or down into the bushes to be raped by some opportunist.
There is no proper road,just a one vehicle wide,dirt track interspersed by broken tiles here and there,with a maze of directions that pulls you so deep towards a foothill of a durian plantation that I almost wanted to turn back until we finally spotted up ahead in a clearing,a cluster of vehicles all shiny,big and new plus an Ai Goh Hotel van from Penang island filled with no doubt nauseous tourists.
Just how on earth we were convinced into coming here?
This fella we knew,had heard it by word of mouth.When he bumped into us he couldn't contain his excitement and declared that the fish here was so fresh,that they were bred in running water therefore there would be no earth or muddy smell guaranteed,that TNB staff even came here to eat and bla bla so on so forth.
I fell for it hook,line and sinker.
After parking our vehicle,we were amazed to see so many people in the middle of practically nowhere.Entire families came here for a feast with grandmas in tow.Tourists walked about inspecting the ponds.It was ethereal !That was from what we saw up at the car park.
Up close however,from the very moment we descended down the steps,the smell of dog faeces hits you.An old emergency era latrine covered in moss is on the left hand side of the stairs.That is where they expect you to empty your bowels after your meal.You pass a row of empty fowl cages littered with garbage and make your way through absolute filth to the dining area.At this point I asked myself, is a farm or a dumpster?
Still we sit down and reluctantly order.We decide on Patin,Tilapia,vegetables and a herbal drink.There isn't much choice,you either take it or you leave it.If they run out of ginger,you are expected to consume the dish without ginger.
On top of the roof is an annoying sprinkler system.The tablecloths are transparent pink large plastic sheets tied to the edges like a flyaway kite.I look out and there's an old woman sunning more sheets atop some bushes.If any bird were to fly past,drop some poop or scatter some urea she would probably presume the sun would dissinfect that.
Our drinks come in recycled mineral water bottles that have been recycled hundreds of times just like the tablecloths.
The Patin is so tough,there is no way it could have been farm fresh.The hide is so leathery,it must have been prerefrigerated.Fresh river patin is so silky and tender.This one had meat the texture of tuna with skin like a python.
Bad,awful,terrible.
The cook has to ensure that the fish has to be kept alive as long as possible just before slaughter.That, besides a rushing river,is the trick to satin Patin.When put in the fridge even if for an hour,this happens.
I might as well have bought it from Tesco.
Heck even if I had bought an aquacultured catfish and grilled it with assam I would have been more content than travelling all the way out here to this sham.
Picturesque?If you never look at the ground,make sure you peg your nose,don't mind the rot around you,love stepping on dog discharge every now and then,then yes.If not,a big No.It's just a durian farm with fish ponds squeezed in close quarters.
The Tilapia somehow was not appetizing partly due to incessant flies that pique your imagination with thoughts of"what if they had sat on dog poo or visited the nearby latrine earlier?"The taste was not even close to Thai,I think they should rename it Flai.
The veg was ok,but only because it was the only non fish dish that flies avoided sitting on.My partner took a lone walk and quickly scuttled back when he spotted a snake lying coiled up on one of the banks.Earlier parties had let their kids loose oblivious to the danger.
We left so much food behind but didn't feel the least guilty.No way was I going to schedule an appointment with the doc after this session.A table of 16 took a bite each of the Patin before tapauing it wholesale.They left with wrinkled noses and dissapointment written all over their foreheads.
On the whole,the much touted river is a trickling,dying stream.There are more ponds than running water to hold the bounty that I find it really strange as to how they managed to rid it of the smell.Either they are great cooks or we have been had and as such I hope the same never befalls you too.If you must have freshwater fish please head onto chowrasta market Never ever come here.
Can't believe that they tell us the place is patronised by locals when so many Penang and KL plates are found here,neither is it exactly cheap for this kind of environment in which we dice with the good of our health.
Let's just say that this place is ecofriendliness gone so wrong,it would make Guan Eng so damn proud.
Shudder!What an absolute appetite busting nightmare.

James Foo Western,Fettes Park @ School/Special/Public Holidays,Sports Events

September  2011 Update :

Shocked members of the public have reported seeing an assortment of luxury vehicles compromising of an Alphard and a VW Passat parked outside their outlet before business hours.Because of this some feel that it is time they gave other western outlets a chance as James Foo n co have made more than a fortune.

Plus I pinched these customers feedback off their fb page.
The most shocking revelation is in regards to irrate residents who have to put up with haphazard and inconsiderate diners.They retaliated by puncturing car tyres.

The boss is a stubborn individual who never compromises his wallet,takes advantage of others,sponges off and bullies the weaker so long he can make another buck.This probably explains why the residents did this.To teach him a lesson.The feud is a longstanding one.You may be innocent but you represent their resentment towards his inconsiderate,stingy and selfish attitude.

You have been warned.

Pinny Low Xin Pin (1st Sept)
HORRIBLE SERVICE! Had to wait for ONE hour for a pathetic plate of holland pork. Never coming back again. Menu might look affordable but you get MUCH LESS for what you pay for. Seriously, eating at a roadside hawker is so much better. Wait FIVE minutes, pay RM5 for awesome to the max food. Kthxbai.

Su Reen ( 15th Aug)
DISAPPOINTED...!!! After a change of new outlet, everything's not improved but worse... Was waiting for staffs to join table for us, we waved for service, but the staffs looked & IGNORE us. The food is TERRIBLE... Tasteless mushroom soup, shrinked "mini" bun, non-crispy chips, & most of all, the grilled lamb is served uncooked...!! Blood coming out from the meat & it's medium rare, lamb chop shouldn't be served this way... It's a very disappointing dining experience, after all those years of loyal visits. Price increased, food portion shrinked. No quality control, and the worse part, lousy service.
Maybe new outlet, earned alot d, that's y service & attitude not the same as the old outlet. The food really shrinks alot, not worth the value.
Hardy Low : The new outlet is just a new building beside the old Fatty Low place. My advice, not worth going. Not that i'm trying to sabotage, but, alot of my friends agrees bout my complain as well...

Kuan Huay (25th June)
I like tis page is for a purpose..im a fan of james foo stuffish...bt today u all hv atcualy disapointed me...i was having my dinner wit my family over dere jx nw..i noe ur business is growing bt dont jx ignore da services provided...a rude manner when we dun even finish eating bt dere is an employee bringin new customer over to our table n jx place them dere n get da order..r u trying to chase us away???a vry bad attitude ur employees have!!!no more second visit frm anyone of us anymore...aft complainin to da manager we jx get an unsincere sorry..we look like a beggar on da corner of da table rushin to finish up our dinner!!!!
I did review all ur wall seem like u all r having long term service prob..n havent been cure..speechless...all da best..ya 1 more ting last time u all use to hv a uncle serving..he is gud..da best ever service provided
Jia Lin Tye (25th June)
yes i agree. everytime i went thr the supervisor's and employee attitudes are fucking bad like they are having menstruation. :( a crap service!

Raymond Ooi (24th June)
I've just dine in there 2 days back n i found the food needs more improvement especially the mushroom soup that doesn't taste like mushroom soup and the tar-tar sauce taste really bitter plus also check the doness of ur chicken coz mine is only about 70% done. Please reduce the usage of msg as well. Overall the worth is there

WinGz Lim (5th June)
the service was awful, especially the ppl queuing, was seriouslly affecting mood of ppl having meal there.... and another thing, i saw waiter sending the bill to the desk besides me, and when i asked for bill, the waiter tell me very impolitely: go pay at the counter. Not to mention the foods,u guys failed even in controlling queue.

Suzanne Kang (1st June)
Hi, everyone if you having meal @ James Foo, don't park your vehicle at Residential area, our car tyre all puncture last night!!! 4 cars tyre puncture...hope James Foo got their own car park for customer!!



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This fella is one that can make Yut Kee in KL bite the dust.He sells Hainanese style western food which outsiders like angmos won't touch with a ten foot pole but which us malaysians so love to death.His grills and batters are great,so too his sauces and limited edition(cos he only makes like five bowls or so at one time can you believe it?) potato salad.The salmon is not bad but I think his pork dishes are better.
He's one of the few that can actually tackle lamb well,plus he also serves a Malaysian homemade style version of the all day breakfast set (complete with bacon)at approximately 3 times less the price of Starbucks and Segafredo.I don't really like his steaks though but still can eat lah.However,his soups are a horrible,almost tasteless flour filled affair.
Of late,the portions of the various dishes seems to be decreasing in size while increasing in price.

Starting off small in the then Seahorse Foodcourt in Tanjong Tokong,he accumulated a following before relocating to Fettes Park.Since they were a roaring success there,he got ambitious and opened up another outlet at the Chinese Swimming Club,but maybe cos the fengshui there not so good,that outlet has never enjoyed the crowds like the one at Fettes.
Before shifting from the corner lot open space next to Fatty Loh, at the most you had to wait during mother's day or christmas was 45 mins.
They now have 2 shoplots but didn't think of increasing the kitchen space nor the amount of cooks,which still remains at the grand total of 2.
The bearded cook,finds any spare time to checkout leng luis or fiddle with his phone while the rounder capped one at the back(not a cook) pounds and dusts meats like a Viking.One of the female order takers looks like a chinese painting of a concubine,while another looks like popeyes girlfriend and the last looks like Awie's (the Malay singer)wife a bit.Both(with the exception of awie's wife lookalike) have no sense of humour and remain stone faced most times.
Sometime back,they pasted up a "waitress wanted" sign and some smart alec who tried to pick up miss concubine scribbled the word "sexy"on a piece of paper.He attempted to humour her by forming the word"sexy waitress wanted" as he giggled.I saw her give him the Cliff face.
Of their 2 male waiters,the older one is more cheeky while the young one already caught the rock face disease.The matron,when she makes her appearance looks like she really,really needs a good long holiday as with the head chef.
This weekend,because of Starwalk and the Dragon Boat Race,for 2days in a row,the waiting time was 1 and a half hours.Yeah,really.
Anyone that walks in with a smile,cannot smile anymore after this.They will look like they are about to be admitted into the ICU for starvation.Babies will bawl,aunties will frown,botox will fall out of faces onto the table and dating couples might split after this harrowing experience.

So what to do and just how do you while your time away?You may do the following...

1.order a giant cup of juice
2.stare at the wall or outstare other diners or each other
3.bring your monopoly set.
4.bring a big bag of kuaci/ kacang
5.buy the evening newspapers from the savvy vendor that pops in
6.bring a knitting set
7.play psp
8.take turns jogging up and down fettes park to E&O properties down tanjung bungah and back
9.choose one sucker to sit at the table,to represent your family while the rest of you go home to Sungai Ara and bring back items 3,4,6 and 7.

Halfway through the above activity,if you spot the waitress heading your way armed with a menu under her armpit,then you are doomed.She's probably gonna tell you that they've run out of pork/chicken/even fries for goodness sakes.
In this case,make sure you provide your sucker rep with a phone to inform one of yall.The reason why she is at your table is to get the green light from you to omit those items,replace them with whatever she tells you or change your order.
When your meal appears it feels like so tiny cos you still hungry after that.By the time you go home everyone will ask for a plate of maggi mee each.

Treeshade seafood @ Weld Quay

This is for the benefit of outstation visitors.
the place looks like a semi cavern pirates from the Malaccan Straits would feel right at home.
You also need to be conversant in either hokkein or mandarin even to the foreign worker or your order will be walking the plank.
As you drive out from the ferry terminal you won't miss it.It is right smack in front with the large unchopped tree as its focal identity.The amount of cars that are parked by the sidewalk and diners inside will make one curious enough to go try out the dishes.
When you enter the cavern and look for a seat,the order taker will come and yap to you to go make your selection at the front counter.The large selection of seafood plunder will blow you away at first until you have to bellow your order over the din of clanging woks,raging fires and hissing steamers.Stay calm don't break a sweat and look like you know what the heck you are doing.
Upon returning you will discover that the drinks have arrived together with a strange rice bowl of curry/rassam dip to go with square papadoms.At this point you have to recheck if you are in an Indian restaurant or a chinese one.Ok.Chinese.
Because the place inside was jam packed,we decided to sit outside on the pavement.Never do this.
Soon we discovered why not many sat there even though it was cooler.No need to go to St Gregory Spa.You will be treated to a sewer sauna with smells that remind you of some ghastly discharge from the kitchen sink that you try to unclog when you pour hot water over it.
Fast forward to the food now.Honestly,the amount of sugar they used in the food would enable a dentist to change his merc every month.And they love using mayo,so if you have young kids they would rate it 5 stars just based on the use of mayo and mayo alone.
The only consolation is the food here is fresh,with vast variety and is cheaper.
But really you won't miss anything if you give this a miss unless you like to snap running rats,lounging lizards and crawling cockroach pictures.There are so many other seafood places you can try with better ventilation than this outlet.

Malay Fried Ikan Bawal @ Factory area towards Juru Autocity(day)

I was so grossed out and indignified the first time someone recommended this place to me.It is a shack,like a mexican cantina,looking like some outlaws hideout.
You sit down on the rotten wooden benches like refugees,and eat the fish n chicken that was fried in blackened oil while burning under the hot sun.All the while having to fight off the flies and begging cats.
You just cannot wait for this nightmare to end so you can return to the comfort of your car.So you ask for the bill,you balk at the price,what? RM$5 per fish?
go home,swear never to speak to the recommendee but then something happens the next week.
All of sudden you get the urge to drive all the way here in your mercedes,lorry or kapcai so you can pour the fish curry atop your sweat riddled rice while munching into the steaming hot crunchy scrumptious black bawal fish that the flies would die for and cats would sing for.
Because where in the world can you get fried black bawal fish for $5 in Penang or Butterworth right?You can get steamed white bawal but at another unsavoury place near the old sia boey.Not fried.For fried costs a minimum of $10(in some backwaters of jelutong) to average of $25 onwards in places like the lousy Ang Huay Loh(it ain't even bawal in ang huay loh ok?)
Please don't eat here cos you might be as embarassed as me,to have to eat back my own words

Sky Hotel Char Siew Rice @ Chulia Street

1.If you are in a great big hurry this is the last place on earth you wanna have lunch

2.If you are not from penang you will be baffled as to how many people are willing to wait 45 minutes for a plate of carcinogic charred sweetened meat to grace their table.
Halooooo! After waiting till half dead and so hungry which food wouldn't taste great?

3.If you are a local you will know that you need to come here by 11am to place your order lest it is sold out

4.If u know me,you'll know that i find the waiting so pathetic and the place so chaotic that I last ate here 7 years ago

Mamak Mee Goreng Pushcart @ Fettes Park Roadside (night)

1.If u is the first customer ..no problem

2.If he got 5 customer ......you wait sampai tua.

3.If you standing upright u will be weighed down by your janggut by the time he finishes frying your order