Terrace Cafe @ Penang Holiday Inn

Dear manager,

Did you know that many of your local female staff are pyscho split personality cases ?There is so much backstabbing, blame game and finger pointing being played out in full view of us diners, shouting and yelling because they think we are blur foreigners that I kind of lost my appetite because I could understand every word spewed.

Do you know that the men tried to calm them down but failed miserably each time because you seem to have hired a clan of alpha misfits ? At one point I thought I had enrolled for Survivor Batu Ferringhi.

Your female staff wish us good morning with a nice sweet smile and proceed to 'hammer' other skirt wearing colleagues of theirs with vile words and mean faces .

Please control them because I fear they will really fly off the leash one day and when that fateful day comes, you can have a shrieking face off with flying keropok and splattering gulais. If I were you I'd pray really, really hard you don't have an anonymous blogger lurking around behind a flower pot somewhere.

I won't be attending because what I witnessed was repulsive enough for me to loose my appetite although your buffet spreads are kind of not bad except for the shitty sausages,inedible hams and cheap cordials masquerading as fruit juices. You also need to know that your coffees are insanely weak and awfully bad.

The waitresses were drifting between good hostess straight out of a catalogue and tough badasses who kept on having to fend off attacks from various camps within that rather nice and beautiful coffeehouse quarter .

Leaves a bad aftertaste because I am local...neither was I born deaf. Please do something because I have never felt so jittery while eating before in my life.

It felt as if your hotel were on the verge of some samseng ladies war.

I think even the menfolk are affected to a certain extent ,shaking in their knickers....all this posturing,growling and scowling .... I can't exactly put my finger on it but you seriously need to get rid of the rot.

If I were you, I'd fire all of them and put the next potential candidates through a fool proof objective personality test to weed out minah rempit tendencies.

Austin Chase @ Queensbay Mall

Be prepared to receive an English lesson when dealing with the greasy faced young mamat behind the counter cos the oversized guy is too busy fiddling with his laptop in full view of the customers.

If you indicate that you want the All Day Breakfast,he will tell you that it is not available.

So naturally you grill him and ask him WHY ,right?

He will inform your stupid imbecileness ,
that ALL DAY means HARI-HARI ADA (everyday got ).
Itu BREAKFAST,sekarang BUKAN BREAKFAST (don't you know what breakfast is?it's way past breakfast now)
SEKARANG TAKDA (now is dark therefore it is not available)

Technically speaking,he isn't wrong.Directly translated from a dictionary,he is still in the right.
This young bull is a hard coconut to crack.Stubborn in thinking he is in the right.
Lord forbid,he learnt this little gem from his lap top hogging XXXXL superior.

I threw the white flag up and ordered a slice of cake and coffee which I remembered to be good when they first opened shop here.
The cake now tastes of fungal growth,is shorter in height than before ,is just no good and the coffee no better than Starbucks.Yucks to both.

Oh the curse of fast wifi.
It makes unmonitored staff dispose of their tasks quick as possible,not want to clean up,leaving customers to their own wits,not caring a damn bit if you might want something extra.
It's serve fast then surf,surf,surf.

It is also here that you can find the yellowest collection of dog eared paperbacks,thriftshop worthy boardgames missing many items and a condiment counter that has one part been converted into a temporary dumpster.

Never coming back again.

Oldtown White Coffee @ 1st Avenue Mall

Update October 2011 :
The tyrant king was not around when I revisited again.I don't know how Oldtown does it,but they managed to find another patient chinese young managress to give us customers a bit of liberty to surf away to our hearts content.From the looks of the many gizmos being utilised atop almost every table,that's good news.
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Headed by an outlet manager breed from the same test tube as The Little Nyonya Cuisine's head of staff,he delights in 'chasing' away Kutu's who like to latch on to Oldtown's wifi by instructing his foreign staff to "kasi tutup 3 tempat"(switch off the 3 points)

See,this fella,is obviously not from the island.
You can see how disgusted and revolted he is by the concept of the pariah Penangites who love to share one plate of CKT and 2 cups of white coffee amongst 6 adults and 2 kids.

Due to this in built frustration,he lashes out at the free wifi parasites cos he cannot fathom the gall those very pretty Starbucks chicklit fleas upstairs have,at daring to sit down in the outlet,take up all available tables and seating space just so they can use the wifi without even ordering a single item or drink.

The situation in Starbucks has so gotten out of hand,that even their outlet inside of Borders, Queensbay mall has plastered up some stern rules and regulations there.

The polite notice goes something like this ....

"you are only allowed to browse one book at a time,and our staff will be coming round every 20 minutes to collect books from you"

what they really mean to say is...

"u worthless kiamsap parasite fleabags and kutus,we are going to snatch the kiamchai books out from your hands whether you like it or not when your 20 minutes are up.Remember,we got our eyes trained on you"

Thus explains this 1st Avenue manager's rather brutal stance.
When your connection doesn't come back on after countless tries,you may start looking in his direction.Not that he cares,he just wants these unwanted customers to get the heck out,so others can move in.So highly strung this one,good candidate for a heart attack.
Thus the absence of surfers here.

As for the food,do stay on the safe side and stick to a meatless dish,so you won't have to crouch atop your toilet throne for the next 2 days.

Chu Char @ Song River Cafe (night)

The apron wearing,order taker of this Chu Char,seems to be the brother from another mother of the many-things-wrong 11pm Ikan Bakar Diva on the other side of this rickety corner makan shop.

A real favourite amongst Japanese expatriates,his obedient subjects all know how to kowtow to his strange eccentric order system.
Song River Cafe has been off and on featured here,but I am now focusing on this fella cos he's getting a bit too over the top lately.
The food is nothing really wonderful,really,its normal ajinomoto laden,light,not so oily with a tendency to be served burnt when the chef gets excited.
Honestly I really have no inkling what attracts those Japs here except for the fact that he's way cheaper than Bali Hai down the road.

Food is OK,but the Tau K .....is OTC.
Otak Tak Centre.

For the uninitiated,here are His Lordships ground rules before thou darest maketh thy order

1. Do not make eye contact with him,he will come to your table to take your order.Or so he will have you believe.
2. Do not stand next to the entrance of the kitchen area next to the fridge in your attempt to make your order.Sit down and he will come to you.
3. After you finish your meal,DO NOT wave your hand at him to signal him to come to your table in order to settle your bill.Again,another round of waiting for him as if he were the oldest virgin bridegroom on his umpteenth unconsumated wedding night on the island.
4. If he tells you to wait 45 minutes and you back out,not only will he remember you for life,he will also bitch about your impatience to the other diners once you are gone

Now should you break any of the above rules,thou will be sentenced to a minimum of half and hour or more of waiting like a fool just to place your order or pay the bill,all the while ignored like a badly behaved toddler by the nutcase who is an expert at looking extremely busy even when he's not.

The reward for your understanding?
His twinkling naughty eyes that comes to a near flirtatious wink as he jots down your order like a mischievous elf.

McDonalds @ Prangin Mall,Gurney Plaza & Penang Airport

Why Prangin Mall ?

1. The cashier/staff like to make gecko/cicak sounds  if you decide to change your order
2. The floor is full of black footprints that are left unmoped,you feel like you are dining inside a dirty toilet stall
3. The place is severely understaffed and the staff are highly strung/under pressure cos this is a high traffic outlet
4. This complex is also a hotspot for Penang teenagers to make out/kiss etc etc(the girls are very brazen and always make the first move in grabbing the boy suddenly to plant a wet french manouvre).Be prepared to watch pimply lovebirds exchanging saliva coated with onion breathe as you munch on your burger or in front of the lifts after your meal

Why Gurney Plaza ?

1. This outlet is filled with happier staff.However their kitchen staff often play the fool.When you eat you might be treated to sounds of them screeching,giggling,laughing and screaming loudly.Once in hysterics they will also run around,chase each other with mops and utensils.In the end it will screw up your order.Examples.....a friend once ordered chicken porridge that consisted of an entire soup cup of pure chicken meat plus tasteless soup minus the rice porridge.Another got a double cheeseburger minus the cheese.Both true stories.
2. There are lots of oversized staff here that look like they ate up half of the kitchen contents,refuse and budget.All great adverts for a fast food outlet that claims to be nutritious and healthy.
3. Update september 2011 : The outlet emenated a horrible stink.The smell is as bad as one of the badass toilets at 1st Avenue Mall or the hawker centre near the Heng Ee roundabout.Upon further snooping around,I found that it comes from their bins and the counter where one gets the condiments like sauces,sugar and creamer.Every customer that walked in today,had a big frown due to the unbearable stench.The staff were nonchalant about the smell.I rest my case.

Why Penang Airport ?

1. Sit in the middle where there are cushions and check the glass divider.It is a living display for Fingerprint Art that has not been wiped for ages.Beneath it,is a Dust Art Instillation.
2. Diners clear tables for the staff here,not the other way round
3. Do not look under your table like I did.Unless you love to check out air travellers discards,tissues,used nappies and other yucky icky things(thank the low cost carriers for turning nice spanking airports into third world bus depos for trash travellers)
4. Cranky,grouchy,growling,fierce female ninja staff lie behind the cash counter.The most ferocious and largest of them all,Shera the Ninja Sumo Mistress turns into a Genghis Khan to defend No.5(refer below) the instant you raise an issue with the bill.She will turn men into meek mice with her loud booming voice that can shrink testicles when she says "SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM????"while scrutinising the limp bill with an outraged look,to which you will feebly offer her a "nothing....nothing".She is so menacing I bet she could intimidate even Karpal.
5. Blur male staff take your orders and screw them up if you make your order in English.To avoid an encounter with the Ninja Sumo Mistress,do tell the boys your order in Bahasa Malaysia 

Bravo Italiana @ I-Avenue

I want to start by saying just how dissapointed I am by all the hype over this place.

You get lots of bloggers waxing lyrical and gushing about how good/great/greatest the food here is.
Liars.

The place is packed during lunch cos we all like offers.Offers like the one Manhattan fish market and Mc D's offered recently.
At night however,it is as quiet as the ruins of the Coliseum.

In the first place,the set up itself should have served as a warning.The clues lie in the bar fixtures and choice of rubberwood style of furniture.The bar area resembles the kitchen design resembling one of those really bad japanese restaurants run by local proprietors.

The entire place is so dimly lit and very grimy.It would help if you had some infrared device to tell sprinkled parsley apart from spawning algae.
The Italian music flowing through does not help to set the atmosphere,when the staff look so gloomy,obviously under trained and low on spirits.
Take note that the waitress might approach you as if you were a lion about to have her for dessert.

Everything looks just one step higher than pure foodcourt cheapness.Also,the mood just isn't right.
At a certain point I did feel as if I were dining in a Vatican city grotto while being watched over by a couple of Roman hantus.Like a purgatory on earth.

The tall bespectacled Bladywaiter eyes you but has no courtesy to hold open the door for you to enter the restaurant nor exit it.He knows you are there but prefers to get out of the way,this perverted male bimbo.

The cook takes orders like he were the Pope's Swiss guard stuffed into garters and suspenders.Not happy at all,just wants to get it over and done with so he can continue fantasizing about Berlusconi's Bunga-Bunga harems.

The only thing good to come out of all the food we ordered was the lasagne.It is not excellent though.It is ok but frankly Dome serves a more mouthwatering version even though it costs slightly higher than this outlet.I don't mind paying for a good meal,but I do mind being scalped for a mediocre one that thrives on overrated hype.

I can detect lots of italian herbs infused into the other dishes yet when all put together,they just won't make you want to spring to your feet and scream Bravo!
I didn't like the soup.I hated the grills.The seafood is uninspiring,meats awful.
The beef was so badly done as if someone had crocheted together tendons of tasteless overfrozen meats,popped it in the dishwasher and panfried it just before serving.

At the end of it all,the meal cost us a bomb,arm and leg.
Not worth it and am never coming back again.Ever.
Would rather plunge from a gondola into the canals of Venice and drown with Bravado.

Hot Bowl Nyonya Delights @ Abu Siti Lane (8am to 3pm)

Update:

Miss Abigail was right.
He overcharged me the first time because I used a regular term(not a Hot Bowl certified password)when I placed my order,giving them the ticket to shove a costlier a Deboned dish that cost me $8 for the meat alone with no rice.
The $3.20 set that Miss Abigail is complaining about,is truly pathetic.Just scraps of chicken meat no bigger than 3 fingers put together for a scout pledge.
Therefore the huge portion that I was talking about earlier,depends on how he sizes you up,whether he takes you to be a first time Moneybags suckertomer or a regular combative don'tmesswithme Penangite.

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Now after this fella,any curry mee hawker or pak cham keh seller can claim to be of the Nyonya bloodline.

Apparently after 8tv featured him,his business grew tremendously and his head got so bloated he now thinks and acts like a Hong Kong citizen,he even modelled his kitchen after one.
When you eyeball him,he gives you the Malaysiatakbolehsenyum look.

Apart from being a very good former pushcart curry mee hawker with an attitude to match the altitude of his volcanic spices,what little so called Nyonya delights he sells,you can get from ANY Chinese New Village backwaters throughout Malaysia.
You can get them in Jelutong,Jinjang,Sitiawan,also even in Kuala Terengganu.
The only exception is his Otak-otak cos apart from Johor(theirs is a flatter version) and Penang,all dwellers from other states do not find the word BRAIN enticing enough to eat.The word Otak is enough to turn them off.

Parking is a nightmare,ventilation is a nightmare,seating is claustrophobic,lighting is like a Kowloon old quarter hangout(right at the moment before an impending gang clash is about to take place)

The much touted chicken is nothing to shout about except that I would agree that it is really,really tender and the portion big.
There are lots of Pak Cham Keh fans here in Penang partly due to ties that trace back to Ipoh.
Lots of Perakians are working here and as such they will seek places like these high and low to remind them of home.It's just like Penangites going round and round,spitting left and right,in their futile quest to find the perfect curry mee or CKT while working in KL.
Perakians are not as infamously fussy nor demanding as Penangites therefore almost anything goes.
But as for taste,aiyo...so not inspiring.
I like the coriander(meant as an insult)and I know he definitely stinged on the sesame oil.

Dei....these people from Ho Chiak programme didn't do their homework leh!

All I can smell is the chicken sweat deposited on the skin just when the fowl discovered his time was up.
Actually the chicken is already pre quartered and left in a big massacred pile near the counter manned by his wife to make serving easier and faster.
It tastes like a cross between the chicken meant to be altar offerings by your Popo mixed with the horrible oyster sauce coated chicken,people from Butterworth so like to eat.
The rice is ....(-u-) a waste of time calling it chicken rice.

Worst of all,he overcharges.Prices you see up on the wall do not reflect what you pay him at the window.Yea he's the cashier,cook and order taker.
His two foreign workers are so overworked clearing tables that after they had dumped the previous tables discards,with the same pair of unwiped hands they deliver your fresh new order to you.
Yucks.
Oh and check out his small used to be round shaped melamine plastic bowls that contains the curry mee.They all look like rounded plastic leaves due to intense heat.Now isn't that a health hazard?

Least you think I am over reacting,here's a reader feedback extracted from sipteaeatpau blog.

Abigail said...
The owners of this place are terrible, terrible, terrible! Extremely rude, with no sense of customer service whatsoever. They have that old-fashioned mentality whereby they’re the boss and you’re just one of their many customers. They speak to you very rudely and are highly unaccommodating. I will never, ever step into this place again. They think their business is so good, and thus, can be arrogant. They treated us like we were nuisance, when we merely asked that the chicken be put into 2 plates instead of 1. Firstly, there were 2 of us, so we ordered “chicken rice for 2". When it came, the chicken was on one plate. So, we asked them if they could kindly break them into 2 plates for us. They then scolded us rudely, saying we should have ordered “2 sets” instead of “chicken rice for 2". Ok, so that was our mistake, for not knowing how to order properly, as we didn’t know that. Anyhow, they didn’t want to split up into 2 plates, kept saying that can’t be done. In the end, after we insisted, the lady did it, but with lots of loud grumblings and complainings (for us to hear) to her husband and Indon maid. They must have been mad at us, for when our dishes finally came, each of us had only one boney chicken wing. When we asked them if there’s any meat to that chicken, they kept saying, one bowl is RM3.20 — that’s all you’re getting, in an extremely loud and rude voice. And then when we said there’s no meat for us to eat at all (except for one tiny part of the chicken wing each), they kept insisting that’s what we get for RM3.20 per plate. Even when we asked for extra soya sauce (what they gave was insufficient for us), they were so reluctant to give, saying we shouldn’t be taking so much salt. Anyhow, the lady then rudely said that the meal’s on them, seeing we were dissatisfied and promptly threw all the plates in a loud clanking manner (including their uneaten contents) into a pail real loudly next to our table (obviously, for them to put dirty plates once customers are done eating). When we told them in a calm tone that this is the age of the Internet and as such, news like this can spread fast, the lady shouted at us, “Go and tell everyone la. We aren’t afraid!” As we walked out of the place, they kept yelling rude words at us, for their customers to hear. Anyhow, no matter how delicious their food might be, we will not be returning. Business owners should treat their customers with respect, and not act all high-and-mighty when we’ve talked to them politey, but all we got was extremely defensive “no”s in high-pitched, irritated voices, like they were scolding us. No more next time for us, certainly. This was our first time ever we’ve been treated so badly at an eating place. Never before had we come across such plain rudeness. The owner/workers at the next chicken rice place we went (at Lorong Susu) was extremely polite and friendly -- such a far cry from Hot Bowl Nyonya Delight.

Satay (Batu Maung) @ Corner of Maxim Coffeeshop,New Lane

Update : 10th March 2010
The Indon maid from hell went home to set up a Dangdut lounge(just kidding).In her place is a little old bespectacled lady that wears oversized mens shirts.
Aaahhh finally,I thought I was gonna enjoy myself in a quiet New Lane until I heard the old fiesty short skinny old lady yell back at the satay owner at the top of her lungs.
Three things,either this satay woman gets excited by women's shrill vocals.Or she's really nuts.Or she's destined to get bullied by her workers.
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This coffeeshop is a pain in the neck.When you sit here and order some tongsui you are expected to order at least TWO drinks from the shop or they will impose charges.
But then,I can't say whether that is just as bad as the filthy coffeeshop down the road where the majority of the street hawkers ply their trade.That one will charge you for using the toilet.It's been years since I stepped in there.
Enough of that,let's get back to the main subject.
Don't get me wrong.I'm not saying that the satay sold at the stall located right at the corner of this coffeeshop is borhochiak.What I want you to know is that the menopausal Indon stall helper here is probably the only person on the island that can turn the tables on abusive employers.This live show repeats itself every night.It's the unappetizing sight of two crazy middle aged chicks that makes me label it such.
Sit near the side entrance and you can watch how abusive she gets.Her vocabulary ranges from "Gila" to the unmentionable and accompanying facial expression is so terribly disturbing to people not used to seeing such drama unfold right in the street before their eyes.The funny thing is her employer must be one nut loose too because she apparently enjoys being scolded every now and then by this errant staff of hers.All that verbal lingo and hostile body language is rewarded with a broad and affectionate smile from her.I've never seen her cringe nor look embarrassed even once.Never.
These two (lesbian lovebirds?)will start squabbling with each other through the hail of embers all the way across to the shop hawking pirated house CD's and perhaps even as far as the corner of the car park area.The maid from hell then pours out her woes nightly to another of the same nationality,while raising her hands in a manner that tells all and sundry that her ma'am is a lunatic.
Now what did the employer do to deserve this?I haven't a clue who is in the wrong though.It's too harebrained an exchange to want to investigate.
Most times the one who claims the Rasa Sayang Eh song belongs to them,will be walking around in circles up and down the street with her socks tucked into her boots as she holds the plate of satay.When she returns with the same plate of undelivered satay,that's when you can switch your antenna their way.Cos she'll be fuming that she can't locate the customer and the employer will insist that the existent or invisible customer is right there.
I really,really don't know which is which.They're both nuts.

Hainanese Delights @ Hotel 1926

Update :
Avoided the crabs this time and I have to say that although still pricey,some dishes I complained about have undergone price adjustments.
Today,the substantial portions, justify the prices.
People in charge have scaled back on looking suspiciously at customers though can be still kinda busybody chatterboxes.There are many more young helpers now as well as indian/bangla staff in kitchen helping the mainly chinese chefs.
Food can be quite salty if you're not used to it,otherwise,a much better experience than the first visit.
And definitely authentic hilltop Hainanese cooking.
Good job.

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I always had a suspicious feeling that they would slaughter us here and this kept me away for a long,long time.Why?Because from the outside it looked like some typical chine dine in joint from the european continent,yet at the same time it was housed in a cheap restored hotel (i.e.similar to Salsa's on Penang road which is found inside a budget hotel)
Once I stepped in for the first time, however I was really,really surprised.It looked like a missionary school canteen,what with the chatter and din from various customers.Thank goodness for the good air conditioning,ventilation and very expensive insulation found on the outer wing's awning.
So,considering what it looked like on the inside,I presumed that I was wrong but when the menu came,I was kind of correct.Prices are between a 3 star coffeehouse and today's Tek Sen on Lebuh Chulia.Very expensive indeed for this kind of set up.I find it extremely hard to see how this place can justify their prices because compared to hilltop  restaurants,they probably forgot that they are now on the lowlands,therefore transportation charges remain the same,ingredients are not hard to come by,various markets are just a short drive away,water and essentials are not hard pressed issues.
I must add though,that I did find the white marble Malaysian made coffee cups rather quirky and lovely at the same time.In no way though,can it replicate the colonial grandeur of the old days.
Part of it has to do with the waiters and overseers that comprise of an undernourished Serani looking old woman and younger girl(probably mom and daughter?),the rotound bespectacled and polo shirted overseer whose stomach appears in any doorway before his face,and a middle aged office clerk type cashier that keeps a hawk eye on you till you just have polished off your last plate before presenting you with the checque accompanied by a whole basket case of filmsy excuses for her intrusion.
To our utter surprise the spring roll was exceptional,coffee too and on first impression so too the lamb dish.But that's where the honeymoon ended.The food here though authentically hilltop colonial days style Hainanese kitchen,ranges from excellent to major flunk especially when it comes to the usage of cheeses.No,you absolutely do not use the same Italian spices to flavour every cheese dish.It will end up tasting like a strange pizza pudding.
We tried the western soup,it was as bad as James Foo's at Fettes Park.The crab baked in shell was terrible.Not once did it taste of crab.Instead,due to over reliance on mayonnaise,one could not tell it apart from a chunky tuna sandwich.
At first bite,the lamb tasted absolutely delicious,but once it cooled down,I could smell the freezer and later lamb fur.I reason that either the freezer needs a good clean out,or there are less customers that eat lamb,hence the lamb hibernated in there till we came along.Oh yuck.
Portions for the local dishes are very generous.but the western ones are too tiny in comparison.

The thing that I hate the most here is the fact that the staff constantly pops in to check on you and your table.At first,I thought they were there to watch out for plates to clear.But no.
They are lookouts just in case you decide to abscond from paying for your meal since there are 3 exits.
Now,I found that plain rude.Why don't they allay their worst fears and just close 2 exits?
Then again come to think of it,it made me wonder,just how many rat diners like these do we have in our midst?
I once saw two young and nicely dressed ladies pull a fast one on Xian tea outlet at Queensbay.We were sitting next to them,they dilly dallied till most of the staff moved inwards and then made a quick getaway.I sincerely hope they weren't bloggers cos they did take a few pictures.The shell shocked waitress who was responsible for their table probably had to cough up their bill cos when she summoned her superior,he glared at her and pulled her to the back.
Another time two elderly men in their 60s.went to the nasi melayu at Uda flats,one lined up,saw the chaos,took his utensils and ate without paying.Even though the owner knew he didn't and asked him 3 times,he claimed he had paid.The other was sitting with his elderly mom who ate a whole fat fish,meat,tons of veges(boy could that old frail looking woman guzzle food faster than a python) etc,claimed his bill flew away,claimed her huge plate cost $4 and his $5(for your info the nasi melayu here is as cut throat as the nasi padang in town so $4/$5 is a big fat lie,unless they only limited themselves to only one meat and one vege,each).
Then near Sg Kelian,a customer wearing a motorbike helmet and dark glassses,mingled around,actually scooped dishes onto a plate,handed it back to the owner,and when she turned her back on him to pack it for him,he stole my packed lunch from under her nose and scooted off on his bike.Thank goodness I hadn't paid for it yet.
Where do these diners come from?Sheesh.
Cannot afford to eat,don't aim for free eats lah.

So in short,were the people running Hainanese Delights,right in doing so?
Plain rude to distrust honest,full paying,no free lunch customers like me,that's what I can tell you.

Also if you look at certain blogs and find that those bloggers ate a huge amount of dishes,they probably had a free lunch.
See,one spring roll costs $6.Yes just one,not a whole plate but just ONE single spring roll.
The lamb dish is $35..Mixed veges $10.Omelette around $8.
Do the math and the amount would have been a princely sum for this unpalatial place.
Now you know.

Lorong Selamat CKT :Unanswered Questions

This piece is for the benefit of visitors who got me grating my teeth as the mental diarrhea poured out from the shallow depths of their craniums into a 35 minute verbal onslaught at the table we shared.

1. What is the waiting time before you receive your order?
 Anything between 5 minutes when the local boycott is in full swing to 45 minutes when outstation visitors curious for a taste of what is supposedly Penang's best CKT stall pour in

2. Is it really that good/the best?
 This is extremely oily by Penang standards.It would delight KLites whose CKT version swims in a ton of oil.The thing that gets their customers super excited is the size of the prawn...that's all.The prawn is not the best quality kind ok,I would rate it the lowest possible which can absorb a sugar solution well.Her cockles are awful cos they've been prepeeled and prerefrigerated.

3. Do Penang people or outsiders eat here more?
On a weekend and public or school holiday the place is packed with outsiders looking for a freak show from as far as Kelantan to Brunei to Perth to Finland.On a normal day she has to sell till 6pm cos many of us are still boycotting her to teach her a lesson.If the Penangite is raving about her dish,they probably have been deprived of CKT since they mostly work overseas,of course anything(even a burnt CKT picture) would taste good.

4. Is she really as mean as she is cut out to be?
No she just has big lungs and menopause.She also has to stand on her feet as she fries one plate at a time so as not to compromise the quality.That explains her moodiness.Try standing for hours when you are 60plus.Also she is kind enough to allow other traders to ply her shop with their wares.

5. The portion is small or big?
Smaller during weekends.public and school holidays.Bigger on quiet days.

6.Can you tell her to tailor fry your order?
You may try it if you dare

7.Is it going to be spicy?
Yes on normal days,no when she senses an outstation crowd

8.Is she suffering from the boycott?
If you pass by her stall at 6pm,yes.Plus some other business operators that are near her nowadays like to torture her by burning things and doing other things to irritate her and raise her ire

9.Is it just hype?
Yes mostly

10.Can I get better CKT elsewhere?
Of course,but I am not gonna tell you where cos I like to eat in peace.

11. What is so special about her version?
The fact that she's notoriously moody and rude,her prawns are big because she undercooks them but no one seems to notice.

12.How much longer do we have to wait?
If you didn't come out of curiosity,you wouldn't have to wait at all or add to the crowd

13.Wonder how many people here are Penangites?
If they answer in Penang hokkein,they are.

14.What is that drink people are drinking?
It's called ampala .

15.I wonder if that drink is chookcheh?
No it's called ampala stupid.

16.How come people are eating other dishes like rojak,yam kuih,otak and oh chien?
Because she is the chai shen in red cap on this street to those traders and their dishes can entertain the customers stomach in case she takes too long to fry.Also she can offer all of Penang's best under one roof.Bear in mind the yam kuih sold by the poor looking lady is the most cut throat expensive you can ever find on this island.Hers costs 150 percent more than others.

17. There's no more space,where am I gonna sit?
Share table,don't place your jacket and bags on every available chair to prevent other customers from sharing table with you or the coffeeshop lady will tell you off loudly as you are leaving.

18.So how come Borhochiak was there?
Cos she was desperate for any CKT in town at 4pm.Plus borhochiak no want to get more saman,since the coffeeshop has a parking lot next door.

19.Eh not nice leh?These Penang people think this is great meh?
We,the other Penang people who actually live here(not spend most of our lives overseas)and eat healthy portions(not like a mouse) told you so but you don't want belif.

Beef Wan Tan @ Sai Lam Coffeeshop,Chulia Street (lunch to dinner)

The owner thinks he is still a cute NKOTB with his cap swung to one side,except that he has forgotten that he is now pushing 45 and his cap and apron are so stained and filthy.He complements his look with a more rotound samurai cum sushi apprentice like sidekick who occupies one corner of the blocked up entrance sporting a japanese style bandana around his forehead while wrapping wantan dumplings.He also has a lady helper who thinks she is some buxom barmaid as she likes to lean over the table with her butt in the air as she goes down to establish eye contact to get closer to the optic level of single male customers as she clanks around in her trompah.
Most of his regulars come here for his wantan mee because they cannot eat beef.So don't be mistaken by the mountain of wantans being prepared by Mr OneTon Samurai because his boss' staple is still beef wantan.
Let's just say you arrive at 6pm do bear in mind that this is one of those stalls that will dare to serve you sauce with just plain noodles when every ingredient has run out while charging you the same price for the dish because he knows how desperate your are for his beef noodle version.No sawi,no meat,no remorse for charging you prices for pretend meat and vege either.
The style is unlike the family that monopolises all other beef noodle stalls in Penang.It is more towards a dried orange peel flavoured stew,in the Karak old town breaking of dawn stall in the middle of Pahang way after Genting Highlands.
That explains why there are customers so desperate for a fix of this fellas recipe,they would consume the dish with just the sauce alone.It is just like Penangites eating CKT in KL.Beggars can't be choosers.
A quick look at his customers would reveal that most of them are ageing and he finds it hard to attract new customers because the shop is very run down and dirty by Penang island standards.On top of that his beef stew is more light brown than black nowadays cos I assume that he stretches the black soya sauce very thinly.Also he uses frozen beef and that explains its tough and rough texture.

Kafe Farlim Shell Station (Assam Laksa) @ Medan Angsana 4,Farlim

Don't waste your time coming here.
Don't be taken in by the huge crowd.
And don't listen to internet rumours that this is the real deal.
It is just hype.
Their customers are here for the slices of tender deboned kembung(a rarity in Penang nowadays) not to mention cheap price ($3).
Declining numbers of this used to be poor mans fish,coupled with the subsequent cravings of kembung lovers unwilling to hunt down this elusive and fast selling species in the wet markets,gave rise to those who vouch for this outlet to completely erase and forgive all the cons,just so they can sleep happy after having tucked in here.

Let's start with the soup.It tastes of gum piercing assam,immersed in unrefined belacan(leaning more towards about to ferment he ko) that reeks of kembung blood.Because of the frenzied pace coping with orders,the mint and cucumbers have been precut enmass,exposed to air way too long,thus have lost their crunchiness,zing and flavour,while the pineapple is the lightest coloured sucked the yellow out of its life species,so sour n hard.As for the onions,they are chewy.At this point I come to the realisation that they probably cut the veges and duly keep them in the refrigerator overnight.
And..and...what's this.....?
Sacre Bleu! There's 2 quarters of a deep fried fishball inside too!
When the demunitive foreign waitress brings you your order and you start opening your purse,she will give a quick once over at your purse's contents and immediately demand like she is THE TAUKAY chanting "bagi wang kecik,bagi wang kecik,bagi wang kecik" for small change.
Wei.so much business got no small change wan ah?

I dare say this the most awful assam laksa in the world.
Owing to the nature of the area being a concentration of cybercafes,karaokes etc,the coffeeshop that spills over to a passageway meant for vehicles,is filled with all kinds of characters.Thus you will inevitably be rubbing shoulders with some rough looking blokes,pai kias and charlottes,making the entire kopitiam resemble a gangsters den straight out of a page torn out from run down Kowloon eateries.
Even with their families in tow,the crowd looks like a chinese version of Dickens faggins community,dotted by the occasional office workers and church goers dressed in their Sundays best.
Honestly,even the most humblest of school canteens to the worst of 3 star hotels can come up with a better dish than this,though of course their version contains minimal fish or canned sardines which enthusiasts of this shop will turn their nose up to.
Maybe that's the problem.
See,when you go to the counter to place your order,you will be confronted by a open display container of unprocessed kembung fish(as proof to customers)chillin' in a pool of melted red ice.
The red comes from the fish blood.Since there is no drainage,the fish absorbs the smell of the blood.
Oh yucks.
Lastly if you cannot identify who to place your order from(whether the skinny local man or plump foreign lady),ask the foreign drink waiter and he will start waving his hand about wildly without actually pointing at the correct person,leaving your riddle unsolved.and you open to further embarassment.

Pushcart Char Koay Kak @ front of Union Primary School (night)

During the day,the road here is a real pain in the neck.Even with 3 lanes it is always choked with traffic weaving haphazardly trying to escape from the jam caused by the apom seller,school buses and parents, tau sar pia building customers or fickle drivers trying to manouvre into the many lanes left and right.Driving here is just many accidents or a ten car pile up waiting to happen.
At night,the honking continues due to drivers whom abruptly stop to have a bite or tapau from the old greenhouse coffeeshop and then later speed out to the lane of their fancy with nary a care in the world as if the entire road belonged to their grandfather.
A little down the road just before the pedestrian crossing is a couple hawking koay kak.Before Mc Donalds opened their drive in outlet at Greenlane,we were already accustomed to the culture.You make your order sit in the car,wait your turn and when the driver in front has taken his order,you drive forward into the next spot.
Now I am not saying that their koay kak is no good.You know the standard here,so no need to elaborate.
What gets me is that lately,this couple,having come home from their few week vacation (still cannot beat the Bah Chang van family across the road who went away for one month)has taken to peddling pineapple biscuits.
If you say no to the lady,she will turn super persuasive.First she will give you a sample.Then if you still resist she will insist that you gobble it at no charge.Then she will target the occupants in your car and give away soooo many samples that when you put it back together you feel pretty pai ser and proceed to make your first purchase.It may be good but I wouldn't say it is exactly cheap.
When you return one week later for your koay kak fix,you make a mental note to be firm with her and refuse all the samples.OMG,if you have seen the pussycat in Shrek,she will turn on her pitiful looking pleading eyes enough to make you part with some ca$h!
Let's just say you stone cold hearted inhumane being stand your ground,the occupants in your car will start grinning because what the heck they get free samples and you're the sucker who's got to pay for all that.The car windows will come down like the last frontier of surrender as she rushes towards your car to pass those buggers samples again.Sigh.$7 fly away times two boxes is....you do the math.
The last time I came back,I made sure I parked way up at 7-eleven.Then the warning.NO looking at me with pleading eyes or following me from the car for free samples or else!!!Walked up to the pushcart and made my way back armed with just koay kak.
Oh the stress of it all.

Matsuki Japanese Restaurant @ Jln Pemenang

First and foremost I would like to say that I am very dissapointed that one of the bloggers that I like,vouched for this place.That person needs to hop on a plane via Air Asia to Japan and immerse himself there in order to know why I am about to spit fire about this place.Or if that is too much to ask I beg of that fella to please go make a few rounds of  Japanese citizen run restaurants in kayel or singkahpo.Heck come to think of it you can even find excellent ones in jakarta and bangkok
Service is as crass as another place in Tanjong Tokong.Head waitress looks like an Empress Dowager that's about to go undercover so she can escape from the confines of this Japanese hideout that probably enslaved her to a life of waitressing drudgery.All the staff here young and old had bittergourd juice before they started working.All cannot smile.Most like to dress like grubby bangla sweepers in shopping compleks in T-shirt and pants.You come here and you wonder if you have just entered the portal to Manchuria.
Eating Japanese food is about the whole experience.You will not experience japanese culture here.You will experience cold Manchurian culture instead.Taste wise is nice tasting yes that I agree but not what you would expect if you have had better and were thinking that you may have finally hit another home run.
The entire place is so run down and in need of a makeover.This is in sharp contrast to the nice looking bungalow that houses it.
After that 'wonderful' introduction the food arrives,I will cut the long story short and say that the food here arrives presented ala Japanese style but the cooking style has a distinct chinese influence.You will not get your five tastebuds and senses tickled here...maybe it'll tickle 3 out of the 5.
Let me explain it in another way.If we were to go online and purchase authentic japanese cooking ingredients from a real japanese grocer with an authentic recipe provided by a real japanese would that make an authentic japanese meal if we were to ask any qualified chef to cook it for us?No.
A colleague had a horror story to tell.She had decided on takeaway for her lunch break and you know how they packed it for her?They didn't even bother to pack it in a nicely segregated bento plastic lunch box .Her lunch was placed into 3 tiers of styrofoam boxes with the hot miso soup poured into a plastic packet.
It is a nice place indeed of course compared to so many lousy japanese places(popular because they are really really really really cheap) in the vicinity of Pulau Tikus plus they actually use japanese rice here instead of local grains.Also this is a good place to mingle with some colleagues or girlfriends who are not picky eaters and want to believe they are transported to Tokyo on a $12++ cheaper than Air Asia meal ticket.

Lorong Selamat CKT Cartoon

Tua Pui Curry Mee @ Weld Quay (afternoon)

1.This place is loved by greedy people who let their eyes tell their brains that
the food is good just because there's a big display of add ons
like sotong and chicken that appeals to their
inner instinct to go ballistic and ultimately pig out

2. The taste is average nothing to shout about.

3. Cockles are not really fresh and insignificant

4. drinks are cordial coloured but owner will insist it is ownself boiled

5. surrounds are dusty,uncomfortable and quite gross

Hawker's Business Brisk Despite Boycott Drive(The Star,Nation 17th September)

George Town:
Business remains brisk for a popular char koay teow hawker here despite the wide circulation of an email,calling for the public to boycott her business.
It was reported that a boycott campaign was launched in cyberspace against the seller in lorong Selamat for allegedly berating an elderly lady after the latter remarked that her dish price was expensive.
A check at the coffeeshop here revealed that food was still being sold at a brisk rate.
Almost all of the tables were seen taken up during the lunch hour,which may also be attributed to the fact that yesterday was the Malaysia Day public holiday.
A caricature of the hawker telling the old lady that people like her cannot afford her food,is being widely circulated via email.
The incident is alleged to have occured on Aug 30.
When met the hawker Soon Suan Choo 63,declined comment,saying she just wants to move on and does not want to prolong the issue.
The Penang Hawkers Association has called for the public to stop circulating the email.
Its deputy chairman Leong Keng Fei said it was time to put and end as this episode does not benefit any party.
He said customers must understand that hawkers when busy,could be hot-tempered at times.
This is especially when they cannot cope with the escalating orders,Leong said.
"This is the time where customers must bear with them.Sometimes hawkers can be hot headed.By saying so it does not mean that I agree with Soon's actions.Hawkers must be careful and mindful with their words.Tolerance and patience are keys to a win win situation.I just hope the issue can be laid to rest"he said.
On Wednesday,the hawker had brushed the campaign aside,deeming it as a mischievous act from a dissatisfied customer.

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/9/16/nation/7042716&sec=nation

Wai Sek Kai Kuay Teow Thng @ Chai Leng Park (night)

food here is plain but good.The kuay teow thng portion,fishball and chicken meat is 4 times the size of penang island.
hygiene?wear sunspecs.
HOWEVER
the old man operating the stall is the most hot tempered old apek in wai sek kai.He loves to scold his worker,diss his wife.And his wife like to give it back to him oso.Aww shucks come to think of it they act like just married for one year couple.
You won't sit down 20 minutes without some drama.Who needs astro chinese channel here?
If he cannot be verbal he will trash his chicken and fishballs.Sometimes he will also geram and molest his noodles.
Don't be scared just ignore him.its internal matters only.If you come by bike leave your crash helmet on for a quick getaway.Don't try to cool him down.If you are eating in pretend like nothing happened.
BUT never mess up your order or he will stare at you and send a shiver down the back of your spine like you are a criminal and he is Justice Pao.This is the reason most of his customers all very obedient wan.Order ,eat and leave.

Song River Cafe Grilled Seafood Stall @ Gurney Drive(night)

The food here is damn good BUT

1. The owner opens shop whenever he wants to.If he's not open by 11pm, he's not open for the day

2. He determines and releases dishes at fluctuating times according to his moodswings

3.Never summon his highness more than once or he'll ignore your pleas to pay him

4.dont eat here. so you wont get hooked.like me.
I dare not make him angry.
dare not call him/repeat my order after I tell him one time.
dare not ask him why take so long even though wait minimum 45 minutes

Lang Sae Lee Thai homecooked food @ Tan Jetty

1. the most overrated food outlet everrrrrr recommended by penang bloggers

2. have you been to pulau ketam?this place is one notch less dirty but still disgustingly dirty nevertheless

3. food costs as much as an in an air conditioned 3 star Thai hotel but tastes like a zero star fleabag hostel
 
4.got dog lying around scratching himself and even half naked kids running around with their ding dongs exposed