Hui Lau Shan @ Gurney Plaza

I haven't tried their outlets in Singapore or Kay El but judging from what I have just had in Gurney Plaza, this is like a ciplak/celup Hui Lau Shan that will never measure up to the ones sold in HK. The mangoes taste diluted, flat, mushy, squashed.

It's like comparing thai durians to Balik Pulau ones. You get my drift ? One is royalty feted around the world, the other a commoner whom nobody gives a shit about .

Thai mangoes lack the robust, juicy sweetness and firm smoothness that slips across your tongue and gives you an eye opening revelation. The fact that they are put on top of pulut and have salty coconut milk poured on top for added flavour pretty much sums up how awfully bland they really taste.

What really bugs me is how come the franchise holder was allowed to substitute the mango species used in Hong Kong with Thai mangoes ? Due to cost?

What they use in HK can make you sprout wings and sing a song. What they give you here makes you shrug your shoulders and bury your head under a rock for wasting ringgits on a money making excuse for a franchise.

The result is a very weak, unflavourful cup of mush that tastes like a pale shadow of what made them famous in the first place. Something more creative and colourful than a Thai roadside fair.That's it. Something different to talk about. And that's about all.

Look I'm not going to waste more time typing. If you want to know what made them famous in the first place, you have to make The Trip to The Original birthplace for The Real taste of awesomeness that makes The Brand.

Old Town White Coffee @ Precinct 10

Pros

1. Nice fittings to the point of being retro glam
2. Free parking at the moment
3. Since it's a brand new outlet ,all the ingredients in the kitchen will be for once....FRESH! Thus Safe to eat without getting food poisoning from cross contamination
4. Menus are new and not dog eared
5. Food may look pale,discoloured and sucked out of life but tastes better than it looks(it must be the lighting)

Cons

1. Drinks seriously no good,weak and too sweet
2. Too many fans,thus cooling the food and drinks down extremely fast.If you order ice cream it'll look like white dog poop melted down with cow's udder piss
3. In house music is too upmarket for a franchise kopitiam chain.More suitable for a jazz bar or a hotel lounge for goodness sakes
4. Scared inexperienced foreign servers who are afraid that the cups and plates will break upon contact with the table
5. Too many oily faced customers(it has to be the lighting) walking in,dressed in slippers and lousy t shirts as though they're going to the toilet stall at the back of the Air Itam jungle

PCGHS Laksa @Taman Emas coffeeshop, Jalan Bagan Jermal

I think this is a matter of personal taste cos I absolutely hated this laksa version the first time I tried it.
There was no oomph,it wasn't exciting in the least.It didn't make my heart thump faster nor my saliva curdle thicker.

Found it to be such hype that it never occured to me that I should ever want to return for a retry.

Also I think the reason why this stall has many fans is due to the fact that this is kinda like a local hangout,where the girls from the school on the opposite side of this busy road,have grown accustomed to its taste,over the years.
They can still access this place later on long after they have joined the workforce, to escape the backstabbing environment and rekindle comfort zone memories associated with their adolescent years.

If you still don't get what I'm yapping about,ok,it's like this.
Each of us have our own very favourite canteen foods going back to our schooldays,which is a cuisine which we are pretty much forced to eat year in year out cos there's simply no other choice.
Just like if your mom were an absolute a bad cook,if you were held hostage towards consuming her sloppy culinary menu,eventually you would vote hers the best in the world,approximately 3 years after you leave the nest and find yourself miserably entrenched in a winter hell hole.

Thus,I am of the opinion that those who vote this the best,have grown to like the taste due to repeated exposure during their youth,a time where they hardly reject any place their peers like.

But now,when this particular stall has just emerged fresh with an award, from good grief....the so called Battle of Penang Hawker Masters,where the organisers had such a hard time recruiting the elites,they had to resort to practically begging for participation,and of all things,invited Axian (Jason Yeoh) the nincompoop eater to preside over the public vote-pro judging process,I suppose you might contemplate coming here for a tryout.

So go ahead,whip out your GPS and try if you must,but the fact that you might end up dissappointed is an understatement.

I betcha PCGHS laksa's most fanatical fans would never concur with you,that YOUR former school or a makan place within walking distance of it ,has the best assam laksa,economy rice and curry mee in the world now,would they?

The Islander (Lunch buffet) @ Traders Hotel,Jalan Magazine

Many government officers descend from the clouds in Komtar to dine amongst  the kangtowless mortals on this ground floor.Some are regulars who have 'potential customers' sponsoring them.Others a gaggle of yikkity yakkety,shark feeding frenzy,opis makciks who keep piling on their plates keeping the the ice cream bin for last, you actually begin to wonder how much time they have left, before they have to change their figure shaping corset.

Some company bosses like to entertain here for two reasons,cos they can get good discounts and points,also because they can 'bump' into the bunch above.

If you are a company of two, you also get to sit next to empty 'reserved' for Japs tables. tapaued by tour companies.

Service staff is as expected of this chain,warm and friendly,personal when needed,yet knows how to keep their distance with just one thorn in their otherwise sterling track record.Refer to * below

Overall most of the foods offered on buffet here is typically average hotel fare.Really surprising considering that this is under the Shangri-La group.
Can't say the same about the Malay dishes (that is,if they have them on that day),these are much better tasting.
Their quiche(again,depending if they are on the menu) is pretty good but their roasts get snapped up so fast by the kangtow seekers and the kangtow hinters,most times you only get to see the cold unwanted mutilated cuts,they 'kindly' left behind.Which ends in you nursing a nice hot cup of robust coffee ,to calm down your nerves.

Nothing is memorable except for these below.

AVOID the chinese roasted meats counter,everything is bleaugh,the duck is smelly,the chicken is so so,even the rice is bongam.Only thing nice is the plain soup.Seriously.

Cute,miniature chocolate based desserts look better than they taste,a different kettle of fish compared to their per slice chocolate cakes which are much better.

*Most everyone gets up to refill their own ice water/air suam cos somehow,the waiters and waitresses don't seem to enjoy topping your glass up for you.

El Casa @ Irrawaddy Road

I was toying with the idea of having lunch here,but decided against it after I read this review.
Apparently this blogger had heard,nothing but bad news about the place from her workmates.

Disbelieving, she went headlong into the pit and found out the hard way spitting fire on the way out.
The last part sums it up,when she sarcastically raves about them having the best Home Dessert..... a platter of fresh cut papaya and oranges.
This was in February.
Today their set lunch is even cheaper still and they dare brag on facebook about the many companies they have hosted,that they are fully booked etc etc.

Read the excerpts below but for pictures head to : itsdelicious.info

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El Casa is a brand new restaurant with Santorini concept started operating since last year end
Recently, they were lauching the grand opening promotion of 50% on second set.
It's strictly homemade and No MSG being used.
As i heard how bad was it from my colleagues, but still i decided to give it a try.
The ambiance is really good in and out there!!! Is a nice place for wine and relaxing maybe...
The 3 courses meal consists of Main Course, Drink - Peach Tea/Ice Lemon Tea and Home Dessert RM15.90.

Unfortunately when it comes to drink..The first thing serve to my table none other than the Ice Lemon Tea!!
The worst ice lemon tea which i ever had before!!
It's tasteless, more like a plain water stir with some syrup :( How disappointing!!

Potato Soup Given FREE by the boss.This is hmm okay, pass!

Signature Chicken Chop Deep-fried chicken poured with homemade onion sauce served with coleslaw and french fries.The french fries are pale and flaccid and the coleslaw is not okay. I reminded myself it's strictly homemade!!! I'm not too sure that does it means that the thousand island also has to homemade? The piece of fried chicken is tender.Overally, I would not say that this is worst but it's just very very ordinary !!

Spaghetti Tomato Concasse with Tempura Prawns served with tomato sauce, tempura prawns and parmesan cheese.The tempura is real good as i taste separately with the spaghetti.The spaghetti taste slightly raw and tomatoes sauce was too sweet to my taste.Sorry, I would rather pay 100 bucks to my mum to cook for me. Hers homemade spaghetti is soooooooo much outstanding than this. YES, it's homemade and No MSG.

Am i sound too harsh?I just don't understand that why i can see the phrase of "GREAT!!" appearing in their food comments. Am I had chose the wrong food choices?It's a GREAT place but definately not the great food you looking for.or maybe they are appointing to the home dessert perhaps?

The Home Dessert.BEST BEST BEST!! They are fresh and juicy!!The only best thing i had in this restaurant :(

Tho Yuen Restaurant @ Campbell Street

It's only famous cos it's one of the few places with dimsum in the morning,choo char and chicken rice for lunch.

I never look forward to coming here.It's always crowded,staff is nonchalant unfeeling like,proprieters always looking a tad too cocky, with not enough seats amidst the loud din of crying babies,horrible screaming children,solemn looking old folks and loud toothpick totting men and blabbermouth women.

Chicken rice verdict .....what the heck is the big fuss about?
Well,for one,you don't get blood oozing out of the white chicken,like one grossout old outlet in Chulia Street.
Doesn't smell awful till you wanna puke as if the chicken just came off the market table like some horrible places I don't wanna remember.
But it's not that fragrant and the meat isn't that moist nor incredibly smooth either.

To rate this as "great" is a no brainer.It's JUST OK,it's NOT THAT GREAT.
It's legendary here cos this is a large busy makan shop in Campbell Street,the shopping place to be DECADES ago.The place to treat the family after a bout of shopping or marketing or praying back in the old days.

Choo char department .....extra way for them to squeeze many BUCKS out of you cos their portions are pathetic.This remains an old favourite with pockets of businessmen till today even though the prices can be pretty steep.
Even if you order a large Sang Mee,prepare for a portion that won't fill a small rice bowl for each person sharing.Never try negotiating for more noodles.What you'll end up with is a negligible amount,slapped with a maximum price.
Plus I really hate the fish noodle dish.Stinks big time.Smells of a rotting scaly carcass.So awful yet their regulars seem to mistake this as the comforting smell of the fishy sea in their constant quest to remain brainiacs.Horrible!

Dimsum department......also nothing spectacular.Won't make you float to the sky with one bite.Won't say it is bad.I have no complaints.It's just ok,can eat lah.

Rating this place as normal.
Even if you don't eat here,I promise you,you WON'T miss a thing!

Lobster Village @ Jln Pantai Bersih,Bagan Ajam,Butterworth

Aside from the fantastic view of Penang island others will tell you about,let me tell you the things they won't mention.

1. Your entire order will contain one dish which will be jacked up higher than the norm compared to all the other reasonably priced dishes.This will push your grand total to the halfway of the level of Bali Hai in Gurney Drive.No kidding.Now considering the lousy makeup of the area (a mixture of low/medium cost flats and fishermens huts in the vicinity) I would say it costs a bomb.
2. If you order plain boiled shellfish,the accompanying sauce is going to greatly dissapoint you since it comes straight from the manufacturers bottle.Not only that,the shellfish they serve here is of irregular shape,you'll feel like an orang asli dining on some really wild cuisine that have not been properly cleaned of muck and mud.
3. The baked crab was terribly overcooked,that the flesh was stuck to the shell and didn't come off easily.Thus the mini mallet they provide you with MUST be utilised or else it will be impossible to wrestle the meat out.Also,even though we requested for crabs with roe,the waitress noted our order yet never bothered to inform us that it was not available
4. We ordered deep fried sotong in batter.What we got was 1 quarter sotong buried underneath 3 quarters of flour fritters with a light texture that was more suitable for the prawn fritters in loh bak stalls
5. The red tablecloths are riddled with TONS of cigarette burn marks.There are so many holes you wonder why they bother to use it as a cover.Plus it SMELLS so awful,the stink gave some of us such a headache,it was necessary to have it removed.
6. Honestly the food is nothing much to shout about,nothing remotely Penang about it,world's apart in terms of taste compared to other better known places on the mainland.I would say the taste is akin to food court standard.
7. This place is quite a rip off .Naturally before you get the bill or someone else is sponsoring your meal,it doesn't come off as such since the place looks so cheapskate and cheapo.After coughing out blood for the damage,you'll know what I'm talking about.
8. If it's the view you're after,I suggest you enjoy the breathtaking Outer Ring Road drive and stop just before the toll plaza near Pantai Bersih where dating couples like to make misty windowed pitstops.Don't forget to bring along a stash of home made heavenly buttered dash of lemon sardine (oh yes so smelly but oh so good)sandwiches with crisp cool thinly sliced cucumber slices and a thermos flask filled with hot coffee rather than waste your money here.

Restoran Ramzan @ Lebuh Ah Quee

The reason why people end up here is because of the Duck and Goose Curries.

This is one of the reasons why other Nasi kandar restaurants are smarter and better,because they know that no matter how you cook these two fowls in curries,no matter how you spice them up,they still will end up uninspiring and with a taste that is nothing special.

Some call this Penang's Best Kept Secret.

Let me tell you why.

Because after you eat it,you will want to shut the heck up and not tell others about it lest you embarass yourself when they too find out that it is such a quack recommendation,they'll demand to know who the cluck waxed lyrical about it in the first place.

Restoran Hai Onn @ Burma Road

Another hyped up,waste of time,so called Hainanese joint.

Why some bloggers would even dare to tout them as a well loved old Hainanese outlet,beats me.

God dammit,I wonder.....do these food bloggers even know what REAL Hainanese food is supposed to taste like?Or do they stubbornly like to wallow in the past,entrenched in long gone glory days?

The food is so plain cos(this calls for some ridiculous reasons)

1. almost everyone has contracted either high blood or diabetes so the recipes had to be modified

2. or since they are so growing more and more older by the year,they have actually forgotten the recipes

3. perhaps,the recipes were stored in the head,but unfortunately alzheimer's came into the picture

Next the chops are so You-Call-This-Hainanese? bleaugh ! with brown batter like deoxygenized bubbles unable to escape the semi drowning in a puddle of sauce......that the Hokkein Mee stall found within the shoplot itself sometimes does a brisker trade than Hai Onn itself.

Just be forewarned however,if you decide to give the Hokkein Mee a go,that the dish sold here is highly dependant on what time you arrive,cos everyone in this shop seems to move at an ancient time warped pace.

As if we were all hypnotised and engulfed by some nutmeg verses spewed by a looming unseen figure consumed by a mission to freeze time.

You come in here,and once you sit,a sort of stupified feeling overcomes you.

Now you understand how Some old people can spend hours in a coffee shop,shut away in a world of their own,just gazing at the walls and the floor.

As I was saying before,if you come in the morning,the Hokkein Mee soup will be like dishwater(the excuse by some stubborn loyalists is that it hasn't matured yet),only by 3pm should it have improved.

Notice I used the word "SHOULD" cos the cook is very inconsistent in ensuring its eventual day to day taste.

Next to him is a slightly hunched Loh Bak seller who likes to shuffle around cos perhaps he has athritis.Try this only if you like a strange sourish fermented tinge to your batter.All I know is that I absolutely hated it from the get go.So if you ask me.....Don't

Bali Hai @ Gurney Drive

Their motto is "If it swims we have it".But what I want to add after the end of the meal is..."Ya,but even after you cook it,I still don't like it"

Looks pretty impressive from the outside with pockets of ang mohs in neckties and luxury cars  but is typical chinese restaurant chaos on the inside.Table clearers are a busy,frustrated and harassed lot.Order takers are on the same plateau.

Well if the ang mohs and expat customers like the Japs,Chinese nationals and Indons are any indication.....they speak a thousand words about the food here.

It's a great place if one is particularly hankering after a specific seafood or species of fish.
Great place if you wanna impress a client with the erm...lively seafood aquariums atmosphere awaiting you to pick the next victim for slaughter.
But I find the food rather plain,terribly boring,totally uninspired.... with less salt and no aji used.

Although the portions are huge and value for money compared to the standard pathetic servings dished out by most places on the island,you will be unable to finish it cos there is simply no uumph to their dishes.

Fish may be fresh but I really do not like to dine on fish kept in tanks that have been treated in anti chlorine,anti fungal,anti itch and anti the seafood dying before you choose them to eat,premarinated in chemicals sold in any Koi shop.

Shellfish can sometimes contain one or two bad ones among the good which I find not cool in the least.So not cool.

Their supposedly famous fried kangkong belacan is famously awful,not in the least fragrant,too oily and totally borhochiak.I felt like a goat munching on oily,old,fibrous weeds after they got entangled in a longkang annexed to a geoduck tank.

Fried rice is worse than most school canteen's,a complete disgrace to fried rice and a most regretful order.

There is no airconditioning cos it is an open air concept.
Ventilation and cooling systems are not bad but is little help battling against the constant pollution spewing traffic passing by,and no use at all against enzyme mudball ravaged Gurney Drive beach that turned into an ugly eyesore of a mudflat after two volunteer to fling episodes.

Not impressed in the least.
Good place to fleece someone you don't like or put it on the kiamsap company's bill,
yet you still won't walk away with a satisfied smile
cos frankly speaking the food makes me wanna swim 6 feet under
and Neptune walk on land just so he can sock it to em

Zealand Bah Kut Teh (Chu Char) @ Gurney Drive (till 3pm)

October Update :

This is like a cat and mouse game.The gatal set of cheetah mamas and leopard execs obviously like to cling out and show off their wild vines here.They simply can't resist eyeing one another.Can't stay away for long.
So if you don't spot them today,means you will eventually catch them checking each other out on other days.All the best on your safari hunt.

September :
Penang people have been obviously talking about and reading this blog.
The hot mamas have fled.
Nowadays one gets to see more desperado menfolk with plain janes waiting for a sideshow,both parties hoping in vain for a lunchtime eye candy MILF fling.


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One thing you should know about the diners here is that they are exceptionally snooty especially if they are female.
The men diners(most times equally well dressed as well) like to feast their eyes on the secretary/financial advisor types of hot mamas who chow down here.

Next this place has a bespectacled waitress that has the uncanny ability to bloat regular's heads sky high by treating them like Tan Sris,Datins or Datuks even though they might have zero moolah in their pockets.Non regulars will be snubbed by her mightiness and bundled in the same category as the bangla workforce in the kitchen.Bad.Bad service.
On the other hand,perhaps it is her way of networking.But she's pretty nasty to those she doesn't recognise.Except if you are caucasian.She will treat you like a Tun.One step higher than the locals.Sheesh.

Worst of all every dish comes out with a carpet of daun sup(the thicker stemmed chinese celery)which is pretty irritating,as if autumn had arrived and the trees were shedding.
Strangely both men and women (mostly in their mid thirties to early fourties)don't seem to notice it and chew it like they were contented goats munching on alfalfa.
They might think that they need the chlorophyll to convert their sour faces into sweet youthful sugar but I attribute it to the 7 year itch,and the need to be visually scratched by someone other than your own spouse....it's either that or everyone just got botoxed 3 weeks back.

Actually I just don't understand why this place attracts so many diners.Tastewise all their dishes rank ho hum.To be frank,the standard typical menu when translated into real dishes gracing your table,sucks big time.Nothing wonderful.
Almost at all times (unlike its night time counterpart) is the outlet filled to the brim.
Customers will park their car in Corner Club and swerve out here for the cheap chow.
Maybe that's why.
Cheap attracts the well heeled gatal eyed thirty something cheapskates.Or the fact that they now just need to pay $3 to park at Corner Club the once upon a time,one of the "in" places for the who's who of Penang.

Tamarind Brasserie @ Parkroyal Penang

First they tempt you via advertisement slots in various newspapers bearing picturesque photo compositions baited with discounts.Sometimes they send out leaflets cum vouchers to various shopping complexes for customers to pick up and ponder.Also they do team up with various cards one might hold.
Next they seem to have made quite a good impression on reviewers and hence are featured every now and then with most giving them the thumbs up.

I dined here once last millenium when they had the longest buffet line gimmick coinciding with their privilege membership drive.The walk was fun going from one cooking station to the next.Kids really had a ball here since they could take a dip in the pool watched with amusement and pride as their respective parents dined contentedly.But the food as far as I remembered was really really really ordinary.

With CNY holidays coming to an end and the last of our entire clan finally here after a flight misadventure,my dear mama took out a newspaper clipping and said since we could get great savings and all of her grandkids could have some fun fun fun at the Kokonut Club,she wanted to come here.

So here I go again pouring my woes out to you the reader.
When we stepped up to the entrance I immediately got a huge headache.

What?Looking up at the ceiling you will notice fan after fan after fan swirling as if everyone's life depended on it.
"Open air-no air cond-ala hardrock lobby-dining concept-even golden sands copied-to save cost again???"
Sheesh.What a bummer.Be prepared to sweat till it stains your armpit jacket.

However as we trooped in,we were pleasantly surprised by the buffet setting.The lighting was nice,spacing was pretty good,food shimmered and beckoned to all.We settled in happily before going for the attack.
Wow.For that price the choices were indeed gargantuan.There were mussels,prawns,eel,octopus,chilli crabs,fish,crepes,soups,tartlets,a chocolate fountain,pastas,pies,nuggets,fries,ice cream,a carving station,chicken,yee sang,sushi,salads,crumbles,breads,the list goes on.Everything just looked oh so delectable.Impressive!

Floated to heaven only to crash down to earth because it was just cosmetic.
Let me start with the leg of lamb roast.It was baaaaa-land plus no care had been taken to ensure that it be kept warm thus coaxing that icky crumbly fat to come out and leave a film of grease on your lips.
The charcoal grilled skewered chicken wings had a hot sauce marination that could not hide the blackened bones underneath.
CKT (yea they even had CKT)came in a huge KL style chewy texture in a portion enough to feed a family huddled in a room on seventh street for 2 days.Bleagh!
Thank goodness no one ventured towards the koay kak counter that featured crabsticks as an attraction.Why would they,considering the hot plate was never smoking and the dish though fried in the open wafted no smell as one passed by.
Morever the chilli crabs did not absorb the sauces they were cooked in which tells me that perhaps they have been defrosted and then popped into the freezer again thus draining the crustacean of any flavour so expected of our local species.
The sushi counter was a huge mess.It was wet and sloppily piled as if some fisherman had just ditched his catch in his hurry to use the bathroom upon landing.Raw fish displayed this way is a sure fire way to cultivating various bacteria from your gut to your brains.
The mussels and prawns are kept cold on a bed of ice so that you are so turned off that you tend to take and eat less thus saving them more.Italian meatballs might as well have been renamed tasteless meat lookalike flour balls.
Stay away from the dessert counter cos it looks better than it's bite.The tiny temptations have been made ala maxim bakery-pasar malam cake style meaning heavy use of margarine involved.The chocolate tastes like cheap,really cheap chocolate.Like Ding Dang breadman chocolate.Of course that turned me off dipping any fruit or candy in the chocolate fountain too.Big ugh.
I like beans but not half cooked and so old that when you chomp you fill your cavities with floss like fibres.Some chef needs to seek a reeducation in marketing tips.
The ice cream buffet is Baskins Robbins.Me anti Baskin Robbins.It gives me goosebumps.I hate the taste,and am the last person on earth who will wait every 2 months to throng the outlet for a discount on the 31st.In fact I won't even eat it even if it were free.

At the so called Kids Corner bearing a picture of Sponge Bob that maniacal sea creature,is a very kid unsafe feature called a coffee machine that will leave even the adults puzzled.Do watch your kids here.Take note that the coffee selection flicks to and fro like a jackpot.Alternating like a Tanjong Rambutan test patients have to decide between "Strong aroma" and "Decaf".There is no stop button and no instructions.Only pictures to test your IQ and EQ.
This is where you will find Mr Universe type men panicking when the two outlets never stop flowing.Those that triumphantly get their selection right will cry for their mothers to come to their rescue and stop the wastage.

As if that was not enough,and since we are on the subject of kids,they sent in a clown to entertain the kids.At first we were relieved that this fella is there to distract them from turning their finger foods into a food fight.Then we find out that he blows balloons only to sculpt them into swords.Fine.Except he's not really good at other shapes except for swords.Any request for a poodle will turn up a half mutt that looks like bubbling fart.Still fine.After that,the boys AND girls will start testing out their swords.
This is when you need to have an ambulance ready outside in case of heart attacks or choking diners.The little angels will start chasing each other around like barbarians on the loose until "BBBAAAAAANNNNNGGGG!!!" no it wasn't a bomb,it wasn't a firecracker but the great inflatable sword that just burst.This repeats itself countlessly as long as the clown is there to serve the brats.One day I tell you some adult will slam that miserable blue haired smurf into the ice cream bin.

So what did I end up liking on this pathetic sojourn?
Their Chicken pie,mushroom soup,alfalfa sprouts(which you can purchase from Jusco),japanese style sweet octopus(which is standard Japanese restaurant fare),green olives and black olives(which you can buy from tesco).
Ended the meal looking like I had walked in Gurney Drive at 12noon which led me to refresh myself in the washroom.
Returned to our table smelling like a strange mix between St Gregory's spa massage oil and Dettol because while they installed an aromatherapy burner on the sink counter,they also mopped the floor with a strong dose of disinfectant.

Treeshade seafood @ Weld Quay

This is for the benefit of outstation visitors.
the place looks like a semi cavern pirates from the Malaccan Straits would feel right at home.
You also need to be conversant in either hokkein or mandarin even to the foreign worker or your order will be walking the plank.
As you drive out from the ferry terminal you won't miss it.It is right smack in front with the large unchopped tree as its focal identity.The amount of cars that are parked by the sidewalk and diners inside will make one curious enough to go try out the dishes.
When you enter the cavern and look for a seat,the order taker will come and yap to you to go make your selection at the front counter.The large selection of seafood plunder will blow you away at first until you have to bellow your order over the din of clanging woks,raging fires and hissing steamers.Stay calm don't break a sweat and look like you know what the heck you are doing.
Upon returning you will discover that the drinks have arrived together with a strange rice bowl of curry/rassam dip to go with square papadoms.At this point you have to recheck if you are in an Indian restaurant or a chinese one.Ok.Chinese.
Because the place inside was jam packed,we decided to sit outside on the pavement.Never do this.
Soon we discovered why not many sat there even though it was cooler.No need to go to St Gregory Spa.You will be treated to a sewer sauna with smells that remind you of some ghastly discharge from the kitchen sink that you try to unclog when you pour hot water over it.
Fast forward to the food now.Honestly,the amount of sugar they used in the food would enable a dentist to change his merc every month.And they love using mayo,so if you have young kids they would rate it 5 stars just based on the use of mayo and mayo alone.
The only consolation is the food here is fresh,with vast variety and is cheaper.
But really you won't miss anything if you give this a miss unless you like to snap running rats,lounging lizards and crawling cockroach pictures.There are so many other seafood places you can try with better ventilation than this outlet.

Heritage Coffee @ Jln Sultan Ahmad Shah (CLOSED DOWN)

update:
After reading this piece,some disbelieving friends decided to come here just for the fun of it.They decided on a set lunch each and related that despite having a good laugh over the jittery and inexperienced youngsters,their lunch never arrived even after half an hour of countless reminders in which the nonchalant and politicky older staff repeatedly blamed the youngsters and pointed fingers at one another while the oldest of the lot a white haired guy just slunked off quietly into some corner.
That,they did not find funny in the least.
The meal ended abruptly with them storming off with just a miserable cup of kopi each as their lunch.
In conclusion if you are in a rush,you better think twice because they are terribly disorganised.
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I never set foot into the former Hardwicke even though it was given a good review by that whole bunch of croony bloggers.
I came because a friend insisted that we pore through our strategy during lunch.

The first thing that hits you upon stepping through its doors is a lingering odour of toilet trodden shoes.
I know that smell so well because it so reminds me of school.Look down at the red tiles and yes they are the ones the missionary schools so like to use.
Then once you sit,you feel uneasy because right across you is a cluster of unwaiter like kids fresh out of school nudging each other to take your order.

The brave one shuffles towards us.His inexperience shows.His eyes dart from left to right,too embarassed to make eye contact.
He hands us the menu as if it were made of fragile glass then adjusts his spectacles and scuttles out of the way.
You are left to your own devices at this point,you need to tick your orders in the Kim&Gary hongkie style.
After handing it over I scan the room.It must have been quite grand once upon a time.
What a pity that today it has boiled down to scruffy accounts clerks popping in for a quick giggle filled lunch.
Found it disturbing that the entire place is overrun with underaged kids sporting Heng Ee hairstyle working part time as temporary staff from the kitchen to the dining area.As such it felt as if we were the pretend to be patrons in a catering school.
When the food arrived,they were laid ever so gingerly on the table as if the plates were struggling babies cradled by those nervous teens.Every plate that arrived got the same treatment.
And each time we actually held our breath heaving a sigh of relief that this was not one their boss would deduct their salary with.

Let's cut the long story short with a brief summary of the food.
The son of a gun iron chef wannabe that barely looked like he was old enough for a kapchai licence,loves to demonstrate his prowess to the diners by artistically whisking his hands around the plate armed with carrot tendrils just before tinkling the serving bell.He does it with such gusto yet forgets to wipe of the little spills and splashes that sauces are bound to make when you act like a cooking Pavarotti.
Even though they offer traditional dishes everything on the menu is given the fusion touch with new tastes and presentation styles that ranges from cute to strange,not bad to jelak.
Due to the unexpected distraction of having to play guardian angels to various sizes of plates our mission went out the window.
Give me a fully matured devil may care attitude plate banging waiter anytime over this.

Gem Restaurant @ King Street

I love Indian restaurants and when some newspaper declares this the best,it had better be as good as they say it is.
Scanning through the menu I notice that they offer both south and north indian dishes.So I pull the usher aside and ask him where the chef is from.Armed with that knowledge I make my entrance.
This being dinner time,it was quite unusual for the restaurant to be empty so I figure that it must be due to the fact that they now have an amazingly cheap lunch promo as evident from the flyers near the door.
I didn't expect to be sitting around admiring the staircase,pillars,paintings and statues.I expected something better than the rather plain wooden tabletops and chairs I had plonked down on, because after all some had labelled this a place for fine indian food.I want to be admiring my tableware and place where I am seated at too.
Then we signal the supervisor...Kalavele*!
He turns out to be as stiff as a Punjab doorman guarding the Taj Mahal who just got injected with botox and cannot attend to us the only customers in sight.That kinda job he leaves to his lesser mortals to do.
After much head jiggling we decide on Kerala fried fish,Chettinad chicken,some thousand spice mutton,rice,tandoori set and chai.
As we waited for the food an unexplainable feeling swept over us.The place is uncomfortable in an unexplainable way.You know places where you silently wipe your mouth and drum your fingers on the table because you somehow feel like not talking?This place is like that.
Anyway the mutton arrives and looks like it got rolled over many times by a steamroller with edible fur on.I think it turned out this way because there were so few diners that they had to reheat it many times.For a thousand spice dish,it was not very tasty,it was hot,and spicy but had no kick.
The chettinad chicken was not too bad.
The fish felt like deep fried dory that melts upon contact with our tongue coated with spicy flour.Regret.
The tandoori set was ok.
I asked for plain chai(tea) but they give me spicy one cos they think I wanna,I wanna,I wanna be Spice Girl.This is something that takes a while to get used to.
The rice was fluffy alright but only because it was steamed and still wet(almost soggy) with water droplets.This is expected of banana leaf cuisine but not restaurant standard food.Not nice.
We begin to tuck in like rolling trains but end up three quarters of the way stalled at the station,fiddling and playing one two jus with our food.See,the food here is sooooooo filling.
Now this just comes to show that however blogged about eating and ordering so much food here, must have been nibbling like a rodent.Cos you see,my dining partner is a ravenous eater that can demolish two steaks to smitherens but he couldn't even finish his portion of rice can you imagine?
I wanted to turn into Rajni and throw the recommender to a rubbish heap in Tamil Nadu.What a Kudigeren**!
Next when the bill comes you won't dance like Shah Rukh Khan but you will realise why the supervisor needs to look like kayu face ,in order to deter any protests
Pluses are your breath after eating here will smell sweet and you can skip two meals after this one.It is that filling!

*I have no idea what this means.All I know is that it sounds good and gets Indian peoples eyebrows up as well as confuses them at the same time.You must say this with your hands as if you are sprinkling some water at another person.With this one you can frown as you say it.Oh,and don't forget to shake your head like how they say yes,while you are at it too.
**this one is a rude term.Do not utter this without a smile.If you say this without a smile you are asking for a parang to come after you.The safest and least offensive way to demonstrate exactly how you feel is to cover your forehead with one hand,throw your head back and smile/laugh as you utter it.Stick the other hand straight out as if you mean "apa lah lu"

Penang Chendol @ anywhere on the island

This post is not meant for true blue Penangites who grew up with Penang chendol.It is meant for out of state visitors who are wondering if they should give this dish a go.If you love Keng Kwee Street chendol and swatow lane chendol you will NOT like to read further because you are going to think that I am crazy for rating Penang chendol as mediocre.

For out of state visitors who have been enthralled by the likes of artic cold south indian chendol under cherry trees with sinful amounts of brown treacle,I am afraid that you will absolutely not like this.You will even question your goodself if there is something wrong with your tastebuds because you see so many people queuing up,huddled together under what little shadow there is,on the blistering pavement for their fix.
Penang chendol is chinese chendol,which just does not match up to the glorious indian versions* on the mainland.It is like asking a chinese to cook Malay nasi lemak.They can't.
First and foremost,they really stinge on the green worm thingys which compared to the indian one sends you into ecstasy.The flavour of the green chendol is lacking,the colour is nowadays getting to be a sickly green palor.You will ask yourself if this is chendol or this is kidney bean santan on the rocks with chendol trimmings.See,cos there is a great amount of kidney beans and pathetic amount of chendol which is good news for those that really like kidney beans.To me,that much an amount of kidney beans just spoils the spirit of the dish itself for me.
Next the darned ice melts at F1 rate,that there is no way you can finish without having your dessert spoilt by melted ice water.
Worst of all,it is less sweet.Yes,as we all know gula melaka is a costly thing.Having chendol with less gula melaka is like eating putumayam with brown sugar.Horror!
Why would they want to put less gula melaka?They reason that Penangites,the kind that starts exercising at 5am in the morning or 4pm in the afternoon or both,prefer a healthier version.
Fiddlesticks and bollocks.I say they're just trying to save cost as usual.
However don't just take my unrecommendation at face value.Try it for yourself when you come here to prove me wrong.

*Please note that this post does not include the Malay version of chendol on Penang island.I do not have sufficient experience downing their version from the pasar malams and mom n pop stalls around the island and am unable to make a comparison.Thus this Penang chendol post is specifically about the chinese operated ones.

Lorong Selamat CKT versus Ah Leng CKT

It is inevitable that these two be compared because people like Sisters CKT are now past their heyday.
These two places have their own fans,business is slower at Ah Leng,you can get your plate in 10 minutes and currently due to the Penangite self imposed boycott plus depending on the hour you arrive at,you can now get your Lorong Selamat fix in 10 mins time.So let's compare.

Comparing Plate for plate based on:
1)Price
Lorong Selamat: $7
Ah Leng: $5
2)Prawns
Lorong Selamat: standard type of meaty,medium large,prawns but not really fresh(the kind that has started to get blackened legs which Penang marketmen will discourage from buying bcos it is bo sui liao)Maybe cos she expects more customers and they didn't turn up thus she's forced to keep them in the fridge longer.
Ah Leng: cheaper,sweet,jellyish textured,translucent kind that Bee Hooi uncle's customers will rather not eat to show their displeasure to the taukay(he never repeated this crime again).if it looks huge its because the noodles are small in proportion and he tends to get them just cooked so they don't shrink in size.
3)Cockles
Lorong Selamat: pre-peeled left in the fridge after taste
Ah Leng: much better
4)Eggs
Lorong Selamat: seemingly endless rich,eggs that wrap themselves in every nook and corner of the noodles
Ah Leng : What?How come I can finish the egg so fast already wan?
5)Noodles
Lorong Selamat: portion huge like three times Ah Leng's but oilier than normal
Ah Leng: miniscule and less oil like most Penang CKT
6)Taugey,Sausage and Chives
Lorong Selamat: spares no expense.leaves nothing out.Taugey overcooked,kucai raw with no time to let heat soften it lightly
Ah Leng: better at taugey and kucai flavour but sometimes got sometimes none
7)Lard Chunks
Lorong Selamat: rancid and soft
Ah Leng: salty and crisp but sometimes got sometimes none
8)Chillies
Lorong Selamat: the stinging,blowout your ears kind that makes customers saliva flow freely and curdle up thickly till you get hooked for life
Ah Leng: hot also but tame compared to hers
9)Shiok Factor
Lorong Selamat: skill and secret ingredients are above Ah Leng
Ah Leng: shiok also if you don't want to go to Lorong Selamat and you want crayfish infused flavours n crayfish meat.please note that crayfish meat is an add on that will not cost $5 per plate.it will be higher.
10)Temperament
Lorong Selamat: as we all know made the news but she's considered pretty patient with all those people treating her as a laughing stock cum zoo animal and snapping pics of her daily.There are even drivers that cocooned in the safety of their cars drive past and stare at her highness through the safety of their windscreens.
Ah Leng: did not make the news and therefore no paparazzi is interested in snapping his pics.His temper better cos he really don't have to fry as crazy as Lorong Selamat.Nor does he care to wear shower cap to protect his hair from grease as such his head won't feel as if its about to burst.
11)Coffeeshop Comparison
Lorong Selamat: brightly lit,clean,with nice ice kacang and good drinks.But if you decide not to order any drinks they will impose a 50 sen charge for no drinks ordered.
Ah Leng: because it is not as new,is dark,grimy,with not very good drinks but no surcharge if you don't order drinks.

There are others of course but I am comparing these two since lots of people recommend others to eat at Ah Leng and claim that he is better than her

Sweet Paradise Dimsum @ Bagan district in Butterworth

1. Sweet toothed islanders will find the dimsums not sweet enough

2. Salt loving southerners will find the other dishes too bland.You will be asking for your soya sauce.

3. The paus are too hard,too spongy,too tough and way underfilled.Old people and babies will have a hard time eating and disgesting them

4. The pros are....
 this is an old school dimsum outlet with fine dimsum wrapping,
very generous with the prawns.
Plus has really great pastry skins reminiscent of all the great teahouses of the old days

Tua Pui Curry Mee @ Weld Quay (afternoon)

1.This place is loved by greedy people who let their eyes tell their brains that
the food is good just because there's a big display of add ons
like sotong and chicken that appeals to their
inner instinct to go ballistic and ultimately pig out

2. The taste is average nothing to shout about.

3. Cockles are not really fresh and insignificant

4. drinks are cordial coloured but owner will insist it is ownself boiled

5. surrounds are dusty,uncomfortable and quite gross

Ang Hoay Loh @ Perak Road (Chinese association bungalow)

I'm gonna be very rude here.Don't read further if you find rudeness offensive.


ONLY IF YOUR MOTHER DIED AND YOU ARE A LOUSY COOK DO YOU COME HERE

Because any hokkien family from Perlis down to Singapore can cook these dishes.

Most of the dishes are not authentic Penang dishes with the exception of oyster mee.

Don't be conned into paying a premium price for what is basically YOUR MOTHER CAN COOK BETTER average home cooked dishes.

By the way the baking powder prawn puff is one of the worsttttt I have ever had in my life.