Sawara @ Pulau Tikus

You wonder why the Japanese decor is used in a place that has a signboard above its entrance,that promises you, yong tau foo.When you see the steamboats on each table which are actually portable cookers operating on electricity to save gas,you end up more confused.

You look through their menu and the first thing that hits you is their $388 set ?
WHAT?For this lousy icky place that needs a good scrub and spring cleaning?OUTRAGEOUS !

So you ignore it and try to find something cheaper.
Your order comes and you take a sip of the soup.This is nothing remotely Malaysian.The taste is completely alien.
Their soup stock tastes nice and creamy because they add raw eggs just before serving.
Risky if you ask me what with so many bacterium and germs present in undercooked eggs.

The worst thing about this place is the prices you see on the menu will not be reflected in your bill.
So if you order a cheap noodle dish that is listed as $12 they will add on another $2.50 for the noodle.Yea,a no brainer!
Some might interpret this as blatant cheating.Much like going to the hypermart,seeing one price on the shelf,going home and finding you paid $2 more for it.
Same goes for this restaurant,the staff will always find something extra to add on or even make 'mistakes' which they hope you will forget.
I really don't know why.Either they are in cahoots with the boss or its on the boss' order or the cashier cum order taker is sick in the head.

On top of all that,their practically non existent yong tau foo version, is totally different from anything you have tried.
Ordering food here is highly restrictive and stiffling as a communists ideology,as their reputed fresh "saito" fishpaste mixed with soft chinese celery is tightly controlled and they won't allow you to order too much at one time but offer you pathetic morsels,the size of a fat fifty cent coin(the secret tactic to making you hanker for more).

Some will go for the chicken wantan mee which at $5.50 is considered real value for money what with a ton of mushrooms,veg and chicken meat,but the flossed meat is so dry and hard it is very easy to choke on.
Not recommended for old persons and young kids!

Like I said before,the final bill will be a shocker and a whopper especially if you had done your math earlier running the total with the menu as a reference.
But let's just say,you are entertaining,you will probably not want to raise the issue.Just how is one supposed to 'bite' them,without embarassing your guests?So you simmer in anger on slow boil,leaving a trail of steam flowing from your ears,as you make your way towards the exit.
Somehow I think they were banking on this to happen.Obviously the bottomline is profit and you are the sucktomer,even if they impressed you initially with the generous helpings.

Lobster Village @ Jln Pantai Bersih,Bagan Ajam,Butterworth

Aside from the fantastic view of Penang island others will tell you about,let me tell you the things they won't mention.

1. Your entire order will contain one dish which will be jacked up higher than the norm compared to all the other reasonably priced dishes.This will push your grand total to the halfway of the level of Bali Hai in Gurney Drive.No kidding.Now considering the lousy makeup of the area (a mixture of low/medium cost flats and fishermens huts in the vicinity) I would say it costs a bomb.
2. If you order plain boiled shellfish,the accompanying sauce is going to greatly dissapoint you since it comes straight from the manufacturers bottle.Not only that,the shellfish they serve here is of irregular shape,you'll feel like an orang asli dining on some really wild cuisine that have not been properly cleaned of muck and mud.
3. The baked crab was terribly overcooked,that the flesh was stuck to the shell and didn't come off easily.Thus the mini mallet they provide you with MUST be utilised or else it will be impossible to wrestle the meat out.Also,even though we requested for crabs with roe,the waitress noted our order yet never bothered to inform us that it was not available
4. We ordered deep fried sotong in batter.What we got was 1 quarter sotong buried underneath 3 quarters of flour fritters with a light texture that was more suitable for the prawn fritters in loh bak stalls
5. The red tablecloths are riddled with TONS of cigarette burn marks.There are so many holes you wonder why they bother to use it as a cover.Plus it SMELLS so awful,the stink gave some of us such a headache,it was necessary to have it removed.
6. Honestly the food is nothing much to shout about,nothing remotely Penang about it,world's apart in terms of taste compared to other better known places on the mainland.I would say the taste is akin to food court standard.
7. This place is quite a rip off .Naturally before you get the bill or someone else is sponsoring your meal,it doesn't come off as such since the place looks so cheapskate and cheapo.After coughing out blood for the damage,you'll know what I'm talking about.
8. If it's the view you're after,I suggest you enjoy the breathtaking Outer Ring Road drive and stop just before the toll plaza near Pantai Bersih where dating couples like to make misty windowed pitstops.Don't forget to bring along a stash of home made heavenly buttered dash of lemon sardine (oh yes so smelly but oh so good)sandwiches with crisp cool thinly sliced cucumber slices and a thermos flask filled with hot coffee rather than waste your money here.

747 Restaurant @ YMCA

I'll try to be kind since they are relocating soon.
Rumour has it that when their landlord increased the rental to RM12k,they asked them to go 'whack their aeroplane'.

First thing you will notice is that the restaurant is very dated.The curtains have faced the onslaught of the hot sun so many times,it is no better than hanging out a curtain of old knickers.
Stickers of a Boeing 747 are pasted on their walls thus I guess that explains why their restaurant is named such.

Once the waiters and waitresses step into the aisles to instruct you to put your seat belt on ladies and gentlemen,they will hurriedly chuck,yea chuck(these are very uncivil people with no sense of courtesy,so Air Asia style),chuck the menu on the table,cos they anticipate some air turbulence to rock the restaurant soon.Plus,each table is limited to ONE battered menu.Doesn't matter if you have ten in your group,you are expected to know what you want FAST cos they will be landing soon.
Because they like to wear blue or yellow Hawaiian shirts you begin to wonder if these were ex hippies from the swinging sixties who think they are surfing against the tide of modernity.
update:
(oh wait a minute,okay now I get it....there was a tv show long long time ago,where a hawaiian shirt wearing midget yelled "The Plane!The Plane!" excitedly.Maybe the show inspired their costumes.
I would like to say I don't care but this is really bugging me.Brrrrr.....)

Should you get the short big headed,big nosed fella that looks like a grouchy smurf as your steward for the evening,he goes about his task as if he were having a permanent stiff neck cos he cannot seem to lift his head up to look at you.
He only lifts his eyes upwards in your direction as if he were selling some contraband stuff.

You let your eyes wander off to the well endowed old broad and you wonder if perhaps they were going at each other every night like a bunch of newly weds cos she somehow resembles Yut Kees fish lips daughter in law,only not so over the top and mostly has her eyes reminiscing of last night on top of smurfy.
Now if you get her as your stewardess,she's much better cos her appetite has been fully satiated and she WILL get some more tonight.
Have seen her fussing over a young neighbourhood customer pandering to his every whim and running the entire menu over with him,ticking it off one by one ever so patiently,till he finally settled his spoilt brat head on what he wanted to order.It made her look like the Penang Mother Theresa of Food.

But sky forbid if ,you get the chinese dracula hantu eyebrowed,pony tailed cowgirl kangkang walking flight attendant from hell.She is so curt and so rude cos she is in a great,great hurry to offload her duties and hurry back to the cockpit for some 'me' time.
Miss Adams Family likes to cut in before you can finish your order,therefore your order will go something like this .....
"fried ri_ _ "
"kang _ _ _ _"
"ome _ _ _ _ _"
"enche _ _ _ _ _"
$%#@#$%$^&%$#@# $$#@%^*&^*
When she brings you,your rice,which is scooped out from a big metal container into a more petite looking white melamine bowl,she will proceed to spill it all over the table cloth.Me thinks this is cos she really need spectacles but she no wanna wear cos she no wanna look ugly.
Honey...frankly it makes no difference.
Perhaps she behaves this way because of the sexually charged atmosphere in the cabin between those 2 old swingers.This possibly gives rise to the term frustrasi.Those of you who keep your single pet caged would know what I mean.Somebody's got clipped wings.

So anyway,we now come to the food.
This is perhaps one of the last bastions of the oily frontier when cooking oil,electric steamboat and rice cooker advertisements first seduced our grandmothers.They use it with much aplomb here.
That propells rich old timer fans inwards,who with their grandkids in tow,chew their food at the speed of a dragging spluttering Cessna.

Somehow I don't get too adventurous here with the food.Mostly limit myself to their spicy dishes cos it has an exciting spice level inserted with a generous amount of har mai that takes my mind of the milf aura under wraps waiting to explode,emenating from the other side,always parking herself near the too hot to handle rice bin.
Quite impossible to fully concentrate on the food and give a thorough account under such distracting circumstances.

Again,as in most hainanese type joints this one too has resorted to using stickers to signal the rise in food prices instead of reprinting their menu.

If viagra doesn't work on you anymore,take a trip here and let your imagination run wild.Which leads me to wonder if that is the reason why they wash the curtains so often.Which still does not explain why my partially demented logic thinks that this is why old folks that look so absolutely bored with life,make a beeline here even if they have to drag themselves in on walking aids.

There are no innocent angels left on this cloud this much I can tell you.

Chicken/Duck Rice @ Sungai Wang Coffeeshop,Fettes Park

This fella used to be so expensive,serving slivers of scraps for meat together with tiny portions of rice.His food though quite good would suffer in quality the longer it hung out on the rack.What you ate at 1pm will be drier,tougher and saltier if you order it at 3pm.
He is aided by a tough plain village woman looking wife endowed with a voice so shrill that she could pop open canned sardines just by exercising her vocals alone.
When a competitor Xing Lam Fatt opened next door,his shop was most times empty.See the guy next door cleverly gave bigger portions of meat and generous portions of rice.Then one day many people suspiciously kena food poisoning so they rushed back to him and the next door became ghostly quiet.It took quite a few months before the taller,skinny,fella won back customer confidence.
Aided by an equally ugly wife?mother?who would fit right in with a chinese opera troupe if she ever flaunts her scary tatooed brows, he(it's not he who is ugly,Imma comparing the competiting ladies) joined the bandwagon and likewise grew increasingly expensive over time.
Nowadays both have their own following.But with CNY round the corner,this Sungai Wang kopitiam has become so dare to chop wanna die ah,he can give the nasi minang in transfer road a fight for overcharging.
Comparatively though,price for price the champion butcher that scalps our wallets is still the duck rice in the old Star hotel on carnavon st.
That's where you should head to if you intend to slop up diamond rice grains and gold dust meat.

Nasi Melayu @ UDA Flats,Tanjong Tokong (lunch)

This stall is one of those rare places where the number of chinese customers sometimes outnumber their malay ones.Their customers come from varied backgrounds....fishermen,office clerks,towkays,nurses to housewives and the nearby villagers from both sides of the main Tanjong Tokong road.
Price?Comparable to the Nasi Padang in Transfer Road which means it can be exorbitant if you pile on whatever you like without a care in the world.
The first time I ate here,I really hated it.Compared to the finesse of the local kampung housewives who are extremely great cooks at pepper flame laden dishes,I found the dishes to be rather on the bitterish side,not that hot and wondered what the fuss was all about.With time,it kind of grows on you and then you know why the count-every-sen lowkey towkays make a beeline here.For the comfort food.The taste though truly localised Penang Malay to the bone,takes some getting used to.
This place is not for the novice diner.
It is in a lowcost flat area with rats scampering about,Mat rempits,pushers,junkies and old men with one leg up on the chair, loitering in the vicinity so you can imagine.
When you arrive here,you'll probably be greeted by an old OKU or physically challenged person,that goes round collecting parking fees.The pong will greet you first to make you succumb to payment.If that doesn't work he will tell you things like you park here and pay once then enjoy ten times free parking.
Rubbish.
Next time you go,he says he needs a loan for a haircut.Another time he will tell you he needs money to buy food.Each time he has managed to come up with different excuses.Being the soft hearted wimp that I am,I parted with dollar after dollar until one day I saw him pestering young girls at the pasar malam for more money.Another time this young fella tried to collect money and he agressively chased him away while hopping on one leg.He's a pro,this much I can say.
So now back to the stall,if you never intend to return,you must never ever take a look at the old cook cos your heart will melt in an instant.Seeing that she is bent over double,so sweet and gentle looking,yet so tiny,you can't help but like her.Eventually,some part of your grey matter will start to reminisce that the tudung wearing grandmother's cooking must be something really special.That's exactly what happened to me and the part of the reason why I returned a second time.Drat.
The middle aged lady owner used to be the one to kira the total bill.I thought she was expensive.Then one day I whooped with joy when her ever smiling hubby took over cos she had to attend to the kitchen.I got slapped 20 percent higher than usual.Nowadays the Drift King( he's the owner of a horrible looking orange carnage of a DIY fibreglass set of wheels) bearded son of hers that looks like somewhere in the family line lies some Moghul or Pakistani bloodties,whom she so used to loath has taken over the till.This fella has done so well at simply charging as he likes that his mother has given him stripes even the other watermelon juice squeezing Shirley Temple haired brother of his has yet to acquire.
When the type of women he digs stand in front of him,his eyes start to wander,he loses focus,and that's when he'll simply tembak you with the bill.He likes to look at our chest,legs( maybe butts too but how to tell with your back turned?) and that's what causes him to get itchy for a smoke to calm his nerves and slow down his accelerating heart rate.At one point he will take a last puff before sitting down again,but not before exclaiming to all and sundry that he has to focus.This is hilarious only if you are not paying for the meal I can assure you.I guess this is the moment that cheat diners strike cos he's such a blur buaya.
Coming to the dishes,most times the gravies run out so fast,we are left scraping the pan for trickles of it.The fried chicken though of a good recipe,is sometimes undercooked.Also due to the fact that it comes from the Mount Erskine market abbatoir,biting into broken splinters from the wing part accompanied by a terrible texture due to the marrow seeping in to corrupt the meat, is guaranteed.Last of all the fish gulai nowadays isn't fresh like before,making the curry reek of a fisherman's overnight net.
Having said all that, if you still want to try,do remember the most important rule,one look,might cause a lifelong unspoken bond of inexplainable affection to develop between you and the old nenek .Don't say I didn't tell you then.

Hup Kee coffeeshop @ next to bellisa row(after lunchtime)

1.Economy Rice

After 2.30pm there are two operators here side by side.They are on two shifts.Earlier is run by a sweet old lady,the other by a Frankenstein of Economy rice.He is NOT her son.If you take rice from her and proceed to his side of the spread he'll give you THE LOOK.If you don't get it he'll make sure you get it with his zombie look and WWE wrestler verbal diarrhoea.

2.Duck Rice

Only order the breast meat from his duck.The other parts of the duck smell of duck feathers,duck pond,duck feet and duck feed.
Plus he really dares to overcharge for anything extra you order.I only order extra Duck and he charged us as much as the midlands chinese restaurant