Don't You Light Up My Life?
This one goes out to the smokers.
The answer to the above is a big NO.
A little courtesy goes a loooong way.If you do not understand,then our local non smoking diners will start giving you tiny hints to stub out your ciggey.
The instant you take out a pack,entire families waste no time in avoiding your second hand smoke.You know how the VCD pirates make a run for it when they get wind of a raid?Well this is the treatment that you will be subjected too.
In the meantime all the other diners eyes will be trained on you,the offender as your poor victimised neighbours relocate to the furthest available table.
As saucers,drinks and bowls of steaming food make a nomadic journey across,you will be made to feel like an outcast of society.
Once they settle into their new seats various evil eyes will be directed at your goodself.So bad for your personal feng shui.
Many a times has this happened,so much so that when smokers locate the last bastions of their in-house-smoking-unofficially-allowed-sanctuaries,the rest of us avoid it like plague.
Most times the 'sanctuary' is a german cockroach/rat infested place where the drinks are horrid,floor is greasy and the owner relishes the smoke for keeping dengue and chikungunya at bay.
Do everyone a favour,if you have to light up,can't it wait till you are out of the diner?
And please don't do it at the entrance,even in the Gold Coast they would treat you as the scum of the earth.We are no different,it's just that we haven't had the heart to push your sand box to the far end of the road next to the dumpster.
Doggone Diners
How many times have you happily plonked yourself down at a food outlet and in the course of waiting for your order a local Paris Hiltonnette wannabe waltzes in with an overflowingly furry in much need of a haircut and grooming overinbred dog in tow?These Hiltonnettes are immune to human stares.They misconstrue a stare as a jealous glare or worse still an affectionette seal of approval.Women nowadays are getting married later and later.Not only that,even if they marry young,most want to maintain their figure and so they adopt substitute human babies in the form of shihtzus,poodles and such.Give the rest of us handbag and handphone only totting diners a break will ya?
I always wondered why they didn't bring a hairy goat into the shop?At least those animals would eat up half the table and chew the plates.
Of course that is wishful thinking but oh my,which diner hasn't entertained the thought that maybe they could be sitting on some poo or pee stained chair where these Hiltonettes plonk their precious barking woof woofs?Or while they are eating their beehoon some Afghan hound length follicles end up consumed as well?
Dear Hiltonnettes,
don't you remember that at one time you blamed being banned from taking in your poochies to makan places as the overzealous work of religious zealots?
Until the chinese coffeeshops also put up "No Pet/Dog Allowed"signs?
You poochiemamas have amnesia and have started your nonsense again to the extent of even hauling poodles the size of an entire half of table into the shop with you.Doesn't matter if it is standing precariously on the chair looking like an overgrown elephant on a circus platform.
It is not hygienic.
It is gross.
And we are staring because we wish your furry friend would pee into your bowl of Hokkein Mee.
This one goes out to the smokers.
The answer to the above is a big NO.
A little courtesy goes a loooong way.If you do not understand,then our local non smoking diners will start giving you tiny hints to stub out your ciggey.
The instant you take out a pack,entire families waste no time in avoiding your second hand smoke.You know how the VCD pirates make a run for it when they get wind of a raid?Well this is the treatment that you will be subjected too.
In the meantime all the other diners eyes will be trained on you,the offender as your poor victimised neighbours relocate to the furthest available table.
As saucers,drinks and bowls of steaming food make a nomadic journey across,you will be made to feel like an outcast of society.
Once they settle into their new seats various evil eyes will be directed at your goodself.So bad for your personal feng shui.
Many a times has this happened,so much so that when smokers locate the last bastions of their in-house-smoking-unofficially-allowed-sanctuaries,the rest of us avoid it like plague.
Most times the 'sanctuary' is a german cockroach/rat infested place where the drinks are horrid,floor is greasy and the owner relishes the smoke for keeping dengue and chikungunya at bay.
Do everyone a favour,if you have to light up,can't it wait till you are out of the diner?
And please don't do it at the entrance,even in the Gold Coast they would treat you as the scum of the earth.We are no different,it's just that we haven't had the heart to push your sand box to the far end of the road next to the dumpster.
Doggone Diners
How many times have you happily plonked yourself down at a food outlet and in the course of waiting for your order a local Paris Hiltonnette wannabe waltzes in with an overflowingly furry in much need of a haircut and grooming overinbred dog in tow?These Hiltonnettes are immune to human stares.They misconstrue a stare as a jealous glare or worse still an affectionette seal of approval.Women nowadays are getting married later and later.Not only that,even if they marry young,most want to maintain their figure and so they adopt substitute human babies in the form of shihtzus,poodles and such.Give the rest of us handbag and handphone only totting diners a break will ya?
I always wondered why they didn't bring a hairy goat into the shop?At least those animals would eat up half the table and chew the plates.
Of course that is wishful thinking but oh my,which diner hasn't entertained the thought that maybe they could be sitting on some poo or pee stained chair where these Hiltonettes plonk their precious barking woof woofs?Or while they are eating their beehoon some Afghan hound length follicles end up consumed as well?
Dear Hiltonnettes,
don't you remember that at one time you blamed being banned from taking in your poochies to makan places as the overzealous work of religious zealots?
Until the chinese coffeeshops also put up "No Pet/Dog Allowed"signs?
You poochiemamas have amnesia and have started your nonsense again to the extent of even hauling poodles the size of an entire half of table into the shop with you.Doesn't matter if it is standing precariously on the chair looking like an overgrown elephant on a circus platform.
It is not hygienic.
It is gross.
And we are staring because we wish your furry friend would pee into your bowl of Hokkein Mee.
Outstation Number Plates
I hate holiday seasons and weekends.It means more queues,more outsiders and more jams leading to my favourite eating places.The streets of Georgetown were not planned to accommodate clueless drivers from other states trying to clumsily navigate their way to their beachside hotel,ferry terminal or makan spot.
These outsiders like to stop at forked junctions which is frustrating for us to decipher which way they mean to turn.And they meander around slowly until they get used to the snaking roads.Sometimes they go on the opposite direction and give us a heart attack for driving on the wrong direction of a one way street.
In time they,those outstation plates,get impatient with us and irritated with us for honking them at the slightest excuse,overtaking them with a huffed expression as we leave them smoking and even for driving at a leisurely pace.Once confident,they then start to flex their muscle on the road,they speed,they zip into the narrow space between two cars like it would help make the jam shorter.It won't,instead it would create an accident because not many with the exception of kancils and kapcais drive like that over here.Absolutely do not drive a larger vehicle than those vivas,hyundais and kelisas,attempt this and think you can get away with it unscathed.If you do,you might probably slam into a motorbike squeezed into the narrow space between the two cars just so he could shortcut to the other side of the road because he delights in daily dices with death to make his lifespan shorter.
We generally eat our dinner at around 8p.m.This means we have to start leaving our homes by 7p.m.so we can book a seat at the various eating centres.
When faced with behaviour as of above,the island must sound like a rhapsody of horns.Don't mind us if you don't know where you are heading,we do,give way.And don't bitch about us driving like idiots,you are in Penang,please drive like one.
It is perfectly acceptable to wait for a full 5 minutes even if it means holding up an entire street just so you can get your parking space.Perfectly normal to whiz two lanes from the second lane into the far right or far left,turning,even if its a busy highway.Perfectly ok to drive at your own pace at 40km per hour on the fast lane because other Penangites know how to overtake you from the slow lane and won't harass or tail you into moving to the slow lane because they know you are not going to budge one inch.
When you come here,try to drive like us ok?
Never Trust A Skinny Chef ,Food Blogger Or Writer
We've all heard about the skinny chef part.As for me they should update the adage to include skinny food bloggers and writers.
Blame it on camwhoring.Now every gal from 9 to 60 wants to be a whore.The general public does not want to see fat mamas gorging on food.No.
They prefer thinly clothed waifs to make chowing down seem more fashionable,elegant so as not to appear like jumbo queen is pigging out in pics.
But people don't realise the amount of time it took to maintain her frame and her look.The salon appointments ,the perfect top.
Most women were born to pack on some pounds one way or another.We were made to bear children after all.
So if your favourite blogger or writer looks suspiciously slim it is probably because she spends more time fretting on the calories.
How is it possible that she can enjoy what she puts in her mouth?
Food is like sex,if you hold back you don't reach orgasm.
But boy can they hold back.If you don't hold back the pounds will set in.
There is no way Miss Frigid can rightfully claim to write truthfully about dishes gone cold.
Most times these bloggers work in pairs.Most times of the opposite sex.Sometimes both maintain two different blogs.You see the man in sighing pain cause he would like to down her plate.You see him fiddling with his dslr like he wished it were her nipples.You see her shifting uncomfortably because all she wants to do is earn more money,wish that he would stop thinking of humping her and get the wretched food outta her system.
Doesn't that take the fun out of eating and force fantasy into reviewing?
The 45 minute Factor
On a whole,most Penangites understand and accept that it is perfectly normal to wait 45 minutes and above for food that's supposedly famous and good.
I really don't understand why we put up with this.My personal opinion is that certain hawkers understand the Penang psyche so well they use it to their advantage by employing the 45 minute factor so that our tastebuds and appetites are continuously worked up in the process.
Then when the food finally arrives on our table,we the tortured and the punished are so humbled and grateful at this supposed godsend that we swallow it with gusto.And actually believe that it tastes heavenly.
Come on....what wouldn't taste good after waiting for so long,taking in the smells all the while with our eyes fixated and feasting hungrily on the orders served to other tables?
But it's such an acceptable way of life here that even if we were so happen to be the last few patrons of the day that the hawker will accept an order from,we would down just noodles with no ingredients but the sauce from the pot.
Such is the pathetic existence of a Penangite.Like a beggar we would lick the pot clean for the almighty hawkers than not have a crumb left to satiate our souls at all
Food Queues And Big Crowds
Like most people I am a sucker for long queues.I stop dead in my tracks,make a mental note and remind myself to check out the eating place.Most times I am dead wrong.
See in Penang,if there's a long queue and a big crowd it doesn't necessarily translate into great tasting food.
Most times it is because it is cheap.
other times because some customers prefer bland food with no ajinomoto.
Some times it is because the operator is so excrutiatingly slow,it causes a backlog all the way to timbuktu.
So after spending some time on my toes I end up wanting to kick myself because it was nothing special to begin with and some people like me,joined the queue and the crowd just to find out what the fuss was all about
Pesky Food Bloggers
I really hate it when I am at a nice restaurant enjoying the ambience,the conversation,and the food when all of a sudden a food blogger pops in.I have really had it with them.
Most of them will get chummy chummy with the owner but nowadays restaurant owners are getting smarter.They know that lots of them are just freeloaders.And they will steer clear of them.When that happens these bloggers will try even harder to get the owners attention.
What do they do?They take tons of pictures like every plate were Kim Kardashian till their food gets cold.
Then they turn their attention to other people's plates.Now this category is the most pariah of the lot.They will smile sweetly at you and ask you for permission to snap your dish.
If you too are fed up and want to get rid of them this is what you can do.
1.Frown at them
2.Get in their pictures like you have never taken pictures before in your life
3.Point your own handphone/camera and start taking pictures of them and their food
4.Start dissing them loudly in front of everyone
5.Complain and complain and complain to the manager
