Fake Diamond Brand Aluminium Foil

CNY is days away,the reunion is tomorrow.In case you decide to have a BBQ instead of steamboat
(wait a minute,some steamboat restaurants do coat their grills with aluminium foil!!!gasp! gasp! what on earth have we been eating all this while?)
please don't slowly poison your entire family from grandpa tru grandchild by buying the fake product.

Here's a checklist for you to refer to and make your choices or demand for a removal of the offending foil from your steamboat grill at the local restaurant.

1.Where can you find the bloody distributor so you can pelt his gate with some toxic china oranges this CNY?
Presgrave street,Penang Island

2.How do you spot a fake Diamond brand?
Someone didn't pay attention during lesson and spelt the word "Storing" as "Staring".So do check the packaging for spelling mistakes.Actually when this comes up,it sort of tells me that the thing is printed in China,like what happened to our tourism pamphlets when Ng Yen2 was cornered with the fiasco overseas at the Malaysian Pavilion.Don't blame China all the way,most of this is based on the orders of our locals who demand a lower price and lowest quality possible so much so that our market still remains flooded with the most Fatcai products just like the case of toxic plastic toys.

3.What are the repercussions?
It may not be of food grade quality which means your health may be affected.Plastic compounds may have been added and I don't need to tell you what burning plastic does to your DNA.In case you don't know,when your descendants give birth to the next generation of X man-woman mutants don't say you didn't read it here.

4. How do you test to differentiate between the genuine and fake?
First use a lighter test.The real blackens and takes some time to burn,the fake burns a hole very quickly.In fact almost instantly so this test is almost fail proof in establishing it's genuineness,no holograms required.
Second check for shiny sides.The real one is dull on one side and shiny on the other,the fake could be shiny on both sides

5. Shiny on both sides look better right?
Wrong,one side could be composed of plastic compounds thus giving it a shiny sheen.Both sides shiny is NOT good news nor of higher quality.It means less aluminium used and no matter what the cooking pans will tell you about aluminium,to have the real thing coating your foil is better anytime over a plastic coat of compounds.

6.You want to be a snitch/informer.Who to call?
1 800 886 800

Article taken from The Sun
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GEORGE TOWN (Jan 31, 2011): Consumers have been warned to be on the lookout for a fake aluminium foil product cleverly made to imitate an established brand, which may pose health and safety risks to the public.
The imitation, which has been openly distributed and sold in retail outlets around the country, may be particularly hazardous when used by unwary consumers for cooking and the packaging of food.
A Domestic Trade, Cooperatives and Consumerism Ministry enforcement unit seized some 2,860 boxes of the imitation at two warehouses in Seberang Prai and in Presgrave Street on Penang island last Thursday.
The ministry conducted a raid after it was alerted by the local company that distributes the original Diamond Aluminium Foil, an American brand which has been popular in Malaysia for decades.
The company discovered the existence of the imitation about three months ago.
The state deputy director of the ministry, Guna Selan Marian, said the items had been sent for examination as there were concerns about possible toxicity as a result of a lack of quality of material used and the production process.
"This product is widely used in restaurants and homes," he said at a press conference today. The original is made with quality control, but the quality of the counterfeit is doubtful," Marian said, pointing out that the imitation has an unusually strong shine.
"Many consumers have been deceived not just by the counterfeit product, but its pricing which is similar to that of the original," he added.
Two men, aged 53 and 34, who own the premises at which the counterfeit products were found, have been detained and are being investigated under Section 3(1)(b) of the Trade Descriptions Act 1972, Marian said.
An offence under the section carries a jail term of three years or fine of RM100,000 or both. A company found guilty under S3(1)(b) can be fined a sum of up to RM250,000, Marian said.
The original Diamond Aluminium Foil bears a sticker of the licensed distributor on its packaging. Anyone with feedback or complaints can call the ministry’s hotline at 1-800-886 800.

A Fishful of Jotings

If your mother is a hopeless cook,and she's fishing for a compliment,what do you do?
If you tell her Ama your cooking is so yucky,and your curry tastes like coral filtered water,first she'll reel you in,then give you a complimentary smack like that poodle on youtube.
You land against the reef a little retarded,toughened by the wear and tear.You and your siblings trundle not daring to raise a bubble of protest and fin through life like a couple of aimless planktons consuming loveless lifeless foods just waiting for the day that you can jailbreak yourselves out of this shallow misery.
Why would they want to do that?Which offspring doesn't love their mom's cooking?
Oh only the schoolgoing ones that tasted juicy fat worms from clandestine school canteen operators but go home at the end of the day to a showcase saltwater aquarium only to be force feed with store bought pellets like some newly begotten Sipadan hostages.
Let's just say you've all left the spawning grounds after one of you bravely called up 15999 and her mothering instincts get the better of her.This female barracuda in denial o-pond-s a restaurant to redeem herself,perhaps surf on fame and waves of profit since there are so many others that are equally bad yet run successful chiaksailums.We'll show the kids a thing or two.
Sixth sense tells you that such things shouldn't happen but she decides to seal her fate(the seaweeds have partially turned into halal gelatin and clotted all common sense left in her) ignoring all the cringing faces and wrinkled noses when she chances upon some lonely foreign palettes on a shoestring budget.
Strange,but usually these planeteers from Uranus would consider this extremely expensive.You see their idea of cheap leans more towards the coolies or kanchialohs expenditure or better still a free humpback ride.
Fifty reds would make them screech.Why didn't they?Hmmm.This is what natural over sun tanning does.Sting rays out the numb skulls so much they puffer up the ikan bilis they've stumbled upon into Neptune's feast.
All that goes into print cos writers have deadlines .....a way to swim your way out of the deep end.In the end the publicity vouched by such an oceanically spanning publication draws in the curious locals.(You may picture Moby Dick and his open mouth here)
Where the blondes go we flit towards blur as zombie Terengganu sotongs towards the rays of coconut fronds illuminated by Eveready torchlights.It draws undercurrents,the lady gets publicly jolted,embarassed that all and sundry now know just how incomplete and unaccomplished a mermaid she is when Her sexual shortcomings are linked to a urinary discharge.
If I were her.I would fold up my oyster bed,defiantly reregister my pearls under a new name.
But no,no,no thick as a leatherback turtle with Nemos dad as the spokesman What The Fish she seeks to tip the scales of justice in her direction,by raising a war cry,creating whirlpools under the Bra oops I mean Bar,so she can get eel-mortalised in the fishing net,panned by this guppy as such a complete looser no one in Atlantis will ever forget.

One Percent Extra Tax @ Popular Fastfood Restaurants

Please be informed that as of the 1st of January,there's been an added 1% tax to your bill whether you dine in or take out.
If your meal cost you plus five%.Now it's plus six%.
This is the ticket to those corporations rounding off the sum even higher than before.Cos if it's one percent extra they'll round it off to the nearest round figure but when they submit the tax to the government they definitely won't count in the extra that they scalped off us.
Five cents may be insignificant but if you take into account just how many customers they get in a year that amounts to a hefty profit.
No public announcement,no signs.
Why no fanfare?Why the stealthiness?
No kompang,no lion dance,no site declarations.
As usual these companies just expect us to take it without any complaint.
They have no courtesy to inform us,they bill us for it quietly just cos the govt had already said months ago that they would implement it this year.
Do check your bill for the price increase and if you kick up a fuss with those stupid cashiers they put as their frontline to shoulder the blame,they will give you their sickening
"no plastic bag "you moron face said with a bloody big uncalled for smile.

Wow don't we customers just make their sadistic tilling days so much brighter ?

Kochabi @ Jalan Burma

It gives me great pleasure to inform you that a quick search on various engines would have most reviewers up in arms against this outlet.Most give this the thumbs down yet somehow it still manages to draw in the crowds which lead to them opening up a second outlet in PTS.
I really don't understand what the fuss is about.Would say the food here is as bad as the most cincai put together economy rice by a seller in a great big hurry to maximise profits.
The vegetables have been dried out by the aircond and tastes bitter.
The beef noodles are an overtly mish mash of clashing flavours laundered in hot water showing a total lack of understanding on the science of composing spices.
The cold drunken chicken is exactly what the menu says,chicken meat dunked in alcohol.
Nothing cooked here has been lovingly crafted.
Absolutely nothing.
It is like a chinese version of chettinad cuisine that requires so little ingredients, the profits must be stupendous.Except that the chettys know how to cook.This one is doesn't even care if they can't cook for the life of them.
A miser cook operating a comfy diner.Gosh I thought only housewives did that.
Who knows?Maybe the owner used to be one?

Compared to the warm,nice and cosy atmosphere with all things bamboo,recycled and handmade that tug at your heartstrings,this is why they say you can't judge a book by its cover.
There is limited parking available and as such you will probably have to park by the road side of this restaurant.When you do that be aware that the police have been fining customers with such vengeance that the fine exercise seems to be oddly and solely directed at teaching this place a lesson.Stepped on too many toes?
The bartendress though having a cctv in front of her bar with full view of the policeman in full swing will not in the least bother to inform customers of this exercise cos she's too busy shaking up another bubble tea.
Can you believe that?This is apathy at its worst form by a business.Most in our country will inform their customers,this one chooses to remain silent cos it's your car not hers.It's either that or she truly enjoys watching the drama reenacted on a daily basis since the foods here are mostly blandish.
One by one the customers rushed out only after being informed by the other vehicles owners that were dining there.

In the ensuing chaos,I arrived with the intention of snacking on pickles which the taiwanese are really great at.Their pickles are so absolutely delish that I can consume them by the plateful.When I pored through the menu though there was none to be found which I found oddly strange.Of all the cold dishes Taiwan is reknowned for there was only one in the form of the drunken chicken.And I just had to make the mistake of ordering that.
I think this outlet decided to emphasise that their name means "old taste" cos probably the new and exciting cuisines that the innovative chefs have been churning out from this island are too tall an order for the lazy and uninspired chefs here.
Too much creativity involved thus frankly just too much bother so they take the easy way out.
Or too much business so no time to make those truly nice foods that would take up too much time and effort.
Choose one.
Leave the veges out so they get OLDer,give the meats an OLD taste..... like what you get from something kept away in the corner of the fridge for the past three days...a semi antique smell with an ancient feel to it.
Frankly I'm not impressed and just don't like anything on the menu except for their teas which are very soothing and fragrant.
In other words it's got a nice taiwanese teahouse feel to it.
Great for drinks and unwinding but not the best place to dine.

Chicken/Duck Rice @ Sungai Wang Coffeeshop,Fettes Park

This fella used to be so expensive,serving slivers of scraps for meat together with tiny portions of rice.His food though quite good would suffer in quality the longer it hung out on the rack.What you ate at 1pm will be drier,tougher and saltier if you order it at 3pm.
He is aided by a tough plain village woman looking wife endowed with a voice so shrill that she could pop open canned sardines just by exercising her vocals alone.
When a competitor Xing Lam Fatt opened next door,his shop was most times empty.See the guy next door cleverly gave bigger portions of meat and generous portions of rice.Then one day many people suspiciously kena food poisoning so they rushed back to him and the next door became ghostly quiet.It took quite a few months before the taller,skinny,fella won back customer confidence.
Aided by an equally ugly wife?mother?who would fit right in with a chinese opera troupe if she ever flaunts her scary tatooed brows, he(it's not he who is ugly,Imma comparing the competiting ladies) joined the bandwagon and likewise grew increasingly expensive over time.
Nowadays both have their own following.But with CNY round the corner,this Sungai Wang kopitiam has become so dare to chop wanna die ah,he can give the nasi minang in transfer road a fight for overcharging.
Comparatively though,price for price the champion butcher that scalps our wallets is still the duck rice in the old Star hotel on carnavon st.
That's where you should head to if you intend to slop up diamond rice grains and gold dust meat.

Swensen's @ Penang Times Square

Where do I begin? Let's throw aside what I mentioned in my earlier post about their membership card and get down to business.
It was either Soju or this.The thick cigarette smell permeating from every corner of Soju's sealed our decision.
What I'd like to say to all the ladies is,please don't be tempted by the ice cream cart placed ouside this outlet.See girls,when you look at the flavours and walk inside the parlour to compare the flavours between the cart contained one and the one behind the shop counter,one hairy balding Bangla guy in a black t-shirt will appear and impress you with the service he extends.Do bear in mind that your first impression of him might be he's irritating cos you can't really understand a word he's saying.I call it a cultural barrier which we have yet to overcome.
But if you do listen intently,throw him any question and you'll know that this,is one exotically accented guy who knows his stuff  and that, makes you respect him for the profession that he represents no matter how insignificant it may seem.
Happily surprised by his prompt,professional,highly knowledgable,with a sensible sense of urgency manner so wanting on this Island and so unlike the surly faced daytime managress who migrated from Gurney,you make it a point to come back and maybe try out other things on the menu.

No,no,no.Huge mistake.

Know why?Cos the more you sit there and look at this fella at work,the more hot you will find him.
You won't notice him if you have just a fleeting encounter.
Dining in would make you a captive audience to his charms.
The fact that he constantly likes to keep himself busy,scuttling about here and there,ordering his underlings with a very manly measure of authority as he keeps the place in order,makes you end up getting a little turned on by his really tight posterior (faint) twanging its way past you,well spaced follicles protruding from his rather strong looking carpetted biceps(mmm) and really wicked twinkling eyes (wow) framed by a very hardworking physique (nice).
He exudes a presence that could knock you flat the more you sneak a peek at him and make you not want to take your eyes off him(continue your retina stalking activities through the multiple mirrors).
He's not a handsome specimen yet could cause you to end up swallowing your spaghetti complete with the fork too if you aren't careful.
Everything else ends up tasteless cos you become so increasingly engrossed in watching him.
Oh why?Why on earth does someone so ordinary looking,look so good behind a glass counter?
Then you ask yourself Did someone lace my macadamia?Nah..only to get back to indulge in more man watching.
For your info I have never found any Bangla type to be a turn on.
So whyyyyyyy does this guy make you feel like prowling over like a feline towards him,so you can do delicious things with him in order to distract him as he bends forward to expertly cup the ices ?Melt my polar caps this way baby.
You forget what you just had,even what the flavours where.He makes you want to cross the boundary beyond mere fascination.Va va voom
Damn sexy man.
One thing you WILL remember is the ice cream if you ordered any.
In my case it helped bring down the sizzling atmosphere down a little tiny notch,still I'll refrain from describing how I indecently licked my way around it as I flashed over yet another glance.
God he's HOT.So hot I would have damn misbehaved myself right there on the spot if there was no one else hanging around.

Morning Western Stall @ Kafe Hai Beng,Jones Road

The morning western stall that I am referring to is not the same as the rather expensive western stall that operates at night.Two different operators conduct their business from the same premises but at different times.It's the morning one that gets my gall.
Customers that come to this coffeeshop usually go for their loh mee.When the entire family arrives,some will inadvertly opt for the western since most western breakfast stalls in Penang are not bad.
Let me tell you that this stall is just perfect for models,people with serious health problems,health freaks and diet maniacs.
Nothing has a single trace of oil on it.Not the egg,not the bacon nor the sausage.The bread is so dry it might is well be white rye bread.Even the margarine is dry as an abandoned well like the two old birds that run the place.How on earth they did that is beyond me.Maybe they treated the margarine with a compound of cholesterol busting pills.
Food devoid of oil is devoid of taste.Disgusting as eating paper shaped like a cheng beng offering.
Being so fastidious about any trace of oil may pay dividens when one is young.When you hit fifty however it is a different scenario altogether.
Tell me how many of you men have wondered who the sweet sexy lithe miniskirted figure belonged to(thinking she was 19),hit the throttle a little harder and all of a sudden you go into shock because she's got the unwrinkled face of an old witch ?
Well dining here will do this to you ladies.Men will admire you when you are sixty because your figure is still super sexy from the back but when they crash their motor into the drain, it's not because you look so super hawt,but because they can't believe that you're endowed with the full frontal of an unnaturally haggard grandmother that looks like she's been drained of any moisture.
You made them feel so downright dirty that they actually fantasized about your youthful looking back but unmistakably nenek aura,the shivers you send down their spine will see to it that they need chiropractic intervention afterwards.

Goreng Pisang Stall @ opposite Fettes Residence (Afternoon)

The old 'lady' that runs the stall and her helpers,all look like a family of gangsters from the old slum that used to stand where the Fettes Residence now rises.
I foresee some trouble brewing between her,her gang of loutish family members and the jagung bakar stall next to her.So far they've been playing "let's see who gets here first"to get to their respective but illegal lots on the road frontal.
Anyway,you buy her goreng pisang that comes fresh out of the blackened broken down and cancer candidate smoking oil because no other chinese stall sells this other than one from a mobile van a few kilometres down the Tanjong Bungah road.
Then you take a bite after you pay her for your purchase.
If you dare protest and proceed to tell her that her stuff is "lu eh eu ko borhochiak"(it's so oily and not nice)and grumble "chin kui eh"(so expensive),she will all of a sudden turn into the Lorong Selamat's devil twin sister.
She'll set the record straight with you once and for all and with a LSLY look from the corner of her fat face,will tell you "lu borsukak kee pak ooi beh lah"(you don't like you go elsewhere and buy lah)
So if you are desperately craving for chinese style goreng pisang,and still go ahead and buy it from her,just shadap or else......

Satay (Batu Maung) @ Corner of Maxim Coffeeshop,New Lane

Update : 10th March 2010
The Indon maid from hell went home to set up a Dangdut lounge(just kidding).In her place is a little old bespectacled lady that wears oversized mens shirts.
Aaahhh finally,I thought I was gonna enjoy myself in a quiet New Lane until I heard the old fiesty short skinny old lady yell back at the satay owner at the top of her lungs.
Three things,either this satay woman gets excited by women's shrill vocals.Or she's really nuts.Or she's destined to get bullied by her workers.
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This coffeeshop is a pain in the neck.When you sit here and order some tongsui you are expected to order at least TWO drinks from the shop or they will impose charges.
But then,I can't say whether that is just as bad as the filthy coffeeshop down the road where the majority of the street hawkers ply their trade.That one will charge you for using the toilet.It's been years since I stepped in there.
Enough of that,let's get back to the main subject.
Don't get me wrong.I'm not saying that the satay sold at the stall located right at the corner of this coffeeshop is borhochiak.What I want you to know is that the menopausal Indon stall helper here is probably the only person on the island that can turn the tables on abusive employers.This live show repeats itself every night.It's the unappetizing sight of two crazy middle aged chicks that makes me label it such.
Sit near the side entrance and you can watch how abusive she gets.Her vocabulary ranges from "Gila" to the unmentionable and accompanying facial expression is so terribly disturbing to people not used to seeing such drama unfold right in the street before their eyes.The funny thing is her employer must be one nut loose too because she apparently enjoys being scolded every now and then by this errant staff of hers.All that verbal lingo and hostile body language is rewarded with a broad and affectionate smile from her.I've never seen her cringe nor look embarrassed even once.Never.
These two (lesbian lovebirds?)will start squabbling with each other through the hail of embers all the way across to the shop hawking pirated house CD's and perhaps even as far as the corner of the car park area.The maid from hell then pours out her woes nightly to another of the same nationality,while raising her hands in a manner that tells all and sundry that her ma'am is a lunatic.
Now what did the employer do to deserve this?I haven't a clue who is in the wrong though.It's too harebrained an exchange to want to investigate.
Most times the one who claims the Rasa Sayang Eh song belongs to them,will be walking around in circles up and down the street with her socks tucked into her boots as she holds the plate of satay.When she returns with the same plate of undelivered satay,that's when you can switch your antenna their way.Cos she'll be fuming that she can't locate the customer and the employer will insist that the existent or invisible customer is right there.
I really,really don't know which is which.They're both nuts.

Blue Reef @ Straits Quay

Update :
12 nov 2011
Mr half balding is no more around.
Probably talent scouted,I presume.
Hard to find servers with his dry wit.
In hs place are an army of business like no nonsense servers who give you vibes that they are not keen on getting too personal nor friendly,and are skilled at looking perpetually busy.They do their job cos you're paying their paycheque and that's about it.
The place is no more teeming with customers nowadays,as most newbies head Pappa Rich next door since it is a cheaper alternative,while others now hone their love for sharing one dessert amongst a large family of 12 right before closing time, in Delicious instead.
Overheard from that particular family,to the 8 year old girl, was this ......
"Now you can tell EVERYONE (relatives,friends etc)you came to Delicious to eat!"
......what they left out was....
we requested for 11 extra spoons and saucers so we could share that ONE single slice of cake shamelessly.

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Sit down to a meal here and chances are you would have come across the large square faced almost bald chatterbox staff with the sarcasm of Chef Wan.Just based on his sly charm alone,would be enough to carry any mediocre restaurant through.Five star establishments should really come sit down and take a look at this fella work his magic on the crowd of diners.It is impossible to not want to open up to his friendly with a hint of mischief demeanour.
Upon walking in from the gallery of the shopping complex,you will be quite impressed by the layout.
Nice breezy,romantic and all at once laid back yet chic ambience.Until you choose to sit facing the ocean and find that all you can see is the ocean peeping out in many obstructed ways from the inside of the restaurant.Pop goes the bubble.
Before your meal comes,you of course do the prerequisite required of this place since there is nothing much else to do but to rub shoulders with the nearest window slut,which is to visit the washroom located outside within the complex.
On your way back another window slut sees you as a competition and aims to brush past you with her tush so upright it looks as if she is out to maim you so that she can have more chance of fishing for something bigger than seafood.Your feathers rustled by this outrage,makes you keep your eyes peeled on her table so you know exactly what the heck she came here to eat.
It turns out she is amongst the second of the most (insert the P word here)ariah of Penang diners because she nonchalantly orders a meal for one and calls for three plates to save cost.Sheesh.
Believe me,there are so many of them at this outlet that it explains why the place is always packed.
Why not?Almost everyone is sharing their meal.
So if someone tells you they ate here and the food was so fabulous and blah blah blah blah,please do ask them if they shared their meal and did they order drinks?These harems of camels like to brag so much about their $5.50 portion,I'm beginning to wonder if they keep visiting the toilet to drink from the bowl.
When your meal arrives you tuck in and think,hey not bad.Taste is nice,slight hints of nice flavours here and there,with nothing overdone.This is because it is still piping hot.Once it gets cold however all the flaws will be laid bare.The much touted beer batter is the hardest and crunchiest I have ever come across.The only way to cut it is to bring along your own steak knife with you.Do exercise caution and handle the cold batter like you were trying to cut a cross between plastic and glass.Watch out for flying shards!
And the colder it gets,the drier the fish meat encased inside becomes which cause you to chew like you were chewing gum.
The salad mix that accompanies your fish meal is a good mix however the teaspoon of vinegrette on top of the bed just ruins the greens not because of the taste but how it disintegrates the leaves giving them a bruised look.The fries got so hard at the end of the meal,I could have knocked the display whore out cold, just by thowing it at her poison dart style,as I remained seated.
Other than all the above,I find the drinks better than the food.Oh how would they know right?They're camels.

Roast Chicken Wings @ Song River Cafe (Night)

You will find that his wings are not roasted to balloon thin,almost to the point of bursting just before you sink your fangs in,nor oh so crispy as before.
Know why?
First of all you have to take a good look at the owner,he's the taller of the two guys at the stall.
No he didn't get a new crewcut.He accidentally set himself on fire when cleaning a still hot generator with kerosene.
Poor fella,first the tree crashes and now this.
That's bad news as the result is not-as-crispy-as-before wings that cruise liners and even armadas recommended by word of mouth to foreign crews,passengers and sailors.
Don't worry though,he's not disfigured except for a small scar near his eye.
Now we just have to put up with skin that is slighty thicker and much sticker,with taste that is not as intensely addictive,and colour tone that ranges between pale yellow,sienna and malt brown,due to a mini phobia he has developed towards spitting fire.
Looking at the bright side of it however,I'm glad to have had the privilege of feasting on roasted to perfection wings,for a good part of my life.

The Ng Wei Aik Saga @ Penang Island

Things just don't seem to get any better.Now traffic policemen have been spotted making their rounds and giving 'verbal advice' to Nasi Kandar owners to NOT place tables even on small neighbourhood lanes that end in cul de sacs for crying out loud with minimal traffic flow.
Because of one skirmish in which tempers flared and men being the barbarians that they are when their neurons get a little heated,we the Penangites who know how to side step,put up with inconveniences and pollution,hygiene issues and so on so forth are now being forced to dine indoors like a herd of buffaloes.
YB Ng,somehow your apology seems to be only for show right?Like window dressing.
It is as if you have a personal vendetta against ALL these operators over your ONE fiasco and now you set out to deprive US the customers who like to dine under the stars?
Some might remind me that it is the incident of the accident where the car ploughed into the diners that started the ball rolling.
Well if that is the case,you might as well make all roads and highways one way too,so there is no chance head on collisions as well.Issue a directive for all motorcyclists to wear sumo suits while they are driving and pad all buildings,trees and road railings with foam so that no one will crash into any them.If that isn't safe enough make all buildings and housing estates roadless.Park your car 2 kilometres away and walk there.Ridiculous right?
Some might argue that the traffic policemen,do not report to those up in the clouds at Komtar,but they do like to dine outdoors too right?
So thanks very much for adding more thorns to our already cactus butt YB,no one's gonna help you pull the big splinter out of your toe.You need to attach your big splinter to a gas canister and throw it out from your office window to do the job for you.

Pak Cham Keh/Porridge Stall @ Bee Hooi Cafe,Pulau Tikus (night)

Please be informed that the original but expensive stall has now shifted to Lorong Seratus Tahun coffeeshop.It is only open during the day.Reason for shifting is they couldn't find workers....duuuh?

In its place is another stall hawking almost the same item.The new bespectacled female owner most times looks inappropriately dressed made worse by the fact that she likes to bunch her pony tail up in an irritating neighbourhood aunty gossiper manner.
Someone please call the fashion police.
She thinks she is a sexy Michelle Yeoh,
me think she looks like cinderella's stepsister.
Her assistants are 3 other males,one a fat human grasshopper,another a 60 yo plus stern yet harried looking uncle,and last but not least she managed to swing the tatooed foreigner with the big hole in his ear over to her side.

I haven't tried the food yet.Just so you know that this ain't the same old mom,pop and ex harelip young girl run stall.

Biodegradable Food Grade Boxes @ The State Run By The Fella With Hairstyle Like His Father's

13 days into inception and I already have had my first taste of what a biodegradable lunch tastes like.Whichever driftwood that came up with this idea probably had no intention to eat his lunch from one of these boxes.

When I decided on economy rice just the other day,the taukay soh handed me one,in which to scoop my pick of dishes into.Feeling a little heavier than the lightweight styrofoam ones not to mention slightly taller,takes some getting used to.The petite might want to do some light wrist warm ups before handling one.The fact that we know that it's made from paper somehow rears fear and an inbuilt suspicion as to whether the thing will collapse like origami once laden with weight.
On top of my bed of hot rice,I added some assam sauce followed by a dollop of spinach,chicken drumstick gulai and scrambled omelette with glass noodles.
It took me approximately 15 minutes to get back to the office by which time the vapour from the heat had completely steamed the internal part of the container.Due to condensation the bottom part had also softened a little and warped into a rounded shape like it were about to hiss.
Now what did my lunch taste like?
You know when we were in primary school,when the teacher taught you how to do paper mache?
Yes well my lunch smelt like paper mache.The paper mache process involves cutting newspapers into strips,followed by a good soak in water till they turn mushy.You then line half an inflated balloon with the strips before finally drying them under the hot sun.
Put in another way it felt like I was eating assam rice soaked in toilet paper,gulai chicken with kleenex sambal,spinach with julienned grey cardboard and omelette diced with some omnibus tickets.
Also I wish I had the power to summon Mr Strange Nerdy Hairstyle One down from the clouds of Komtar so that he can confirm if the lighter shade of the boxes is caused by bleaching and as such is it safe for human consumption in the long run?
Before my fat hope ever materialises please do remember to bring along your tiffin or tupperware.

Kopitan @ Lebuh Pantai

This is just an overpriced cafeteria style food outlet which provides a nice respite away from the hustle and bustle of the busy banking district.Situated a stone's throw away from a police station coupled with scarce parking would mean risking summons if you were to nonchalantly park as you like.
Found a spot near Merlin and as we trotted downwards,noticed that most office workers still preferred drinking teh timbang by the roadside rather than inside Kopitan as some would like you to believe.You should have seen their happy smiley faces,sweating it out,enjoying the occasional breeze.
The side entrance was quite welcoming but the seating arrangement is definitely concocted by a scatter brain.
First thing you will notice that will set off your alarm bells are that the staff are mostly foreigners.
Old Town gets away with this since their white coffee is really good.
Now compared to the Thais and Burmese that can amazingly replicate our kopitiam of yore drinks,these fellas are klutzes.
All I ever noticed were the buffant overgrown Shah Rukh Khan/Elvis hairstyles sported by them.They probably use tons of Pantene straight and silky and blow them before coming to work hoping to meet their Malika or Kajol... just maybe.I say just maybe cos unfortunately the whole lot of them have caught the Canneversmile disease.The waiters here take more pains at grooming than the female of their species that when they approach your table they actually smell nice.Wow.Just like the Axe advertisement.
But what will happen if you ask a Bangla to prepare your Hokkein Mee?You get Bangalee.(Sorry I couldn't resist that but I hope you don't misconstrue me as racist.)
And please tell me since when soup Yee Mee got fried egg inside?
No never mind,still I look through the grotty,badly damaged menu and now I understand why companies pay big bucks for professionally touched up cook book perfect pictures.I am no clairvoyant but I can tell the prawns are too hard and tasteless,the batter chops have been prefrozen for way too long,the fish is the type we can get from the freezer section of any hypermarket,the nasi lemak as unexciting as Old Town's.....enough already.
If you want to try every single frozen food you can possibly find in the supermarket,every packet of instant drink,you can come here,thumb through the almost gone case laminated menus and get them to prepare it especially for you.Please take note that prices for drinks are quite stiff whereas the meals are more reasonable however everything looks so suspiciously bad from the get go that my eyes begin to wander.
I look up and see an aunty chewing her western.She chews so hard she reminds me of a grazing cow.No go.
I turn to another table and see 3 ladies using their fork to push their noodles around.As the finale one chick gulps one piece of the 3 dimsum/dumplings on a plate with an expression of a robot.It remains untouched by the other 2.
I check out an uncle with a bowl of noodles and frankly he looks constipated trying to force the food down his throat rather than enjoying his chow.

So what do we do?We order drinks and a variety of toasted breads for goodness sakes before I start to pray.They go unanswered because when our Lemon infused tea comes,it can make Optimus Prime's toes curl inwards.It is so sour,like kana juice that looks like tea with absolutely no hint of tea.At this point I can imagine their ice lemon coffee will taste like 100percent lemon concentrate with a coffee facade.
The good news is,if you are above 55 or retired,where half your tastebuds are dead,you might actually think this as arousingly aromatic.
I swear my cup of  milk tea is from an instant mix.Stole a sip of my colleagues coffee,found that it was way too weak and insignificant.So in short the amount of sugar you get varies accordingly.
"Oops I did it again.Used too much sugar in this one,boss will get angry,I better put less in the other"is what I reason the drink maker was thinking.
Bite into our dark brown toast and it tastes more like a cross between and biscuit,a cake and a muffin cos it's a little too moist and the sugar granules remain unmelted.The banana cheese toast was circle cut in the middle so much so that when you put your fork in and pull it upwards it looks like an exploding UFO from the planet vulcan.
I'm really thankful we didn't order more cos as we left an angmo and his oriental wife were playing musical chairs with their respective forks on their respective plates of fried rice,with digestion as the last option written all over their face.

Fake Nasi Kandar Beratur aka Nasi Kandar Liyaqatali @ Masjid Kapitan Keling

Please be informed that the REAL and original Nasi kandar Beratur is the little stall by the side lane of the mosque and NOT the two unit shoplot that only opens after 10pm.
No they did not expand.
Apparently the opportunist took advantage of the original stalls fame and SHAMELESSLY copyrighted their brand.
Now horror of horrors this impostor has become more famous than the rightful Beratur.

They not only snatched their name,registered it,did all the necessary paperwork,they also caused the original Beratur to loose any claim of fame to their name cos the fella even had the gall to put up a big signboard to misinform visitors and confuse former customers that they are only open after 10pm and that they are THE original since 1943.
Can you believe they even had the gall to lay claim to the year of conception?Sheesh.
So please don't fall for this.
Even though I only like their rubber fried onion chicken,crazy "semo kasi" potent sauce mix and nothing else,even though there is no emphasis on hygiene at this Beratur,
I am downright outraged by the big fat lies of the fake one.

Here's a checklist for you to know if you are eating at the original one.
1. It is open before 10pm.
2. It has no signboard and that's how Liyaqatali sneakily wrested their brandname from under their nose
3. The tables and chairs are all over the pavement and sidewalk NOT inside the 2 adjoining shoplots
4. The stall is by a sidelane next to the mosque and not in a shoplot
5. Only the locals know this fact but some end up thinking they've expanded into the 2 shoplots.NOT...
6. Movie crews from Kay El and Selangor shooting on the island sometimes stop by here for a fix.Sometimes if you are lucky you could spot a Malay cerekerama star dining silently dressed in designer jeans,dark glasses and a cap.

Organic Durian Farm @ Teluk Bahang

I have never liked being in the company of dogs that do not belong to me.This incident is probably the most horrifying example that I have ever come across,of why I have never considered them to be man's best friend.
Farm/estate and to a certain extent certain homeowners in Malaysia tend to prefer raising ferocious guard dogs by underfeeding them,giving them raw meat and subjecting them to cruel treatment so that they guard their premises with their life.
In this case the canines were fed then locked up.I won't be surprised if they were only fed once a day only to be let them out because the owners are too lazy to clear their poop in their cages,preferring them to do their business anywhere else.That the owner is clueless as to why they behaved like this?Come on.... own up!You intentionally raised them this way so that they would attack intruders and sacrifice their miserable lives for you when confronted with snakes.
Please beware when you decide to visit any home,farm or place that has dogs that are leashed or locked up the entire day in cages on the premises.
These animals have known only cruelty and ill treatment from day one.They are given food that has gone bad or are unfit for human consumption.Food which the stingy miser owner considers a waste to throw away but is fit for his dog which he has never showered any love upon.
Never ever trust any dog on the loose anywhere even if he is wagging his tail as you approach him.You do not know his upbringing and what torture he has undergone at the hands of his scum of the earth owners,so make sure you arm yourself with a stick as a precaution and a deterrent.

2 Articles Taken From The Star Newspaper :
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Dogs attack and kill tourist in farm

An Irish tourist died after being attacked by two dogs at an organic farm in Teluk Bahang, about 25km from George Town, Penang.
Both the ears of Maurice Sullivan, 50, were severed and his chin was almost torn off in the attack that took place at about 10am Sunday.
He also had multiple injuries and bites marks on his body.
It is believed that Sullivan had gone to the farm with his 28-year-old Polish girlfriend Agnieszka Jablonska to take pictures of durian trees being planted.
Balik Pulau OCPD Supt Mohd Hatta Mohd Zain said Sullivan's girlfriend had walked away to take photos of the farm when the attack took place.
"Sullivan, who worked as a welfare home caretaker, had came to the farm with his girlfriend to take photos of plants. They planned to upload the photos on the Internet."
"We are still investigating why the dogs attacked Sullivan," he said, adding that the case had been classified as sudden death.
The farm owner, identified only as Teoh, 41, said he had only known Sullivan for less than 24 hours.
"We met at about 11.30am on Saturday and he expressed his intention to learn organic farming."

"He asked me to take him and his friend under a homestay programme so that they can help me out as volunteers during their stay in Penang," he said.
Teoh said his wife was looking out from their house window when she saw two of their four dogs (a male and a female), attacking Sullivan at about 50m from their house.
"My wife saw Sullivan trying to escape but the two dogs chased him, biting his ears, hands and legs. She came out from the house to pull the dogs away but to no avail," he said, adding that his wife also suffered light injuries on her fingers and legs.
Teoh said Sullivan had played with their four dogs on Saturday.
"I am surprised by the attack as we always keep the dogs in the cage after feeding them food every morning. We have been rearing the dogs for two years and there has never been any such incident," he told reporters.
The dogs, both mongrels, were not tied up at that time.

Jablonska, who was seen crying uncontrollably at the Balik Pulau Hospital mortuary Sunday evening said Sullivan was in the country as a voluntary environmentalist.
"He invited me to join him along for a holiday and we had earlier gone to Grik, Perak and Pahang before arriving at the island,” she said.
Jablonska said they had known each other for 10 years and were a couple for five years.
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Irish Tourist Dies After Being Attacked By Dogs

GEORGE TOWN: An Irish tourist died after he was attacked by two dogs at an organic farm in Teluk Bahang, about 25km from here.
Both the ears of Sullivan Maurice, 50, were severed and his chin almost torn off in the attack at about 10am Sunday. He also had multiple injuries and bites on his body. He died on the spot.
It is learnt that Maurice had earlier gone to the farm with his 28-year-old Polish girfriend to take pictures of durian trees being planted.
He had gotten to know the farm owner less than 24 hours earlier.
The farm owner’s wife said the couple had also gone to the farm on Saturday during which they had played with both dogs.
She was surprised why the canines had attacked Maurice who was on his own at the time of the incident. The dogs were not tied up at that time.

Bella Marino @ Straits Quay

The Bad
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1. Horrible Grills.End product looks like a broiled and bloated object of unappetizing proportions
2. Mediocre sauces.The uninspired type that comes straight from a mix made for pro chef use.
3. Terrible at chicken dishes cos using minimal marination
4. Awful drinks
5. Looks and sounds like Bella Italia but is definitely NOT
6. Vegetables are limp and overboiled
7. Soups taste like they came out of commercial preparation.
8. Don't lean back too hard cos the nice creamy wooden chairs could easily break.
9..Cash counter is way in front facing the sea,as such you have the problem of staff guarding the shopping corridor against non paying customers
10. Food standard leans more towards Secret Recipe franchise.Presentation a notch lower than Mizi Bistro.

The Good
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1. Good at pan fried fish
2. Nice dolche type of desserts
3. Simple romantic setting
4. Great for those with health problems cos using minimal salt,almost no marinades with a moderate amount of sugar
5. Lucky I didn't order their pizzas or pastas

Dyed,Recycled Tea @ Mamaks,Malay Stalls,Chinese Kopitiams

This has been an ongoing problem for a long time already yet no strict enforcement has been put into place.
Coloured tea smells like the inside of the thin green plastic bag market traders,grocers and food sellers in the Tanjong Bungah/Tanjong Tokong area like to use.
Open one up,poke your nose inside,take a deep breath.There is a strange associated smell because the entire pack has been sprayed with horticultural fungicide(the type used for orchids) by idiotic merchants( I wonder if the culprit is the van salesman or the wholesaler) to keep ants at bay.
Coming back to the subject of tea,the colour will be like a muddy clay river suffering from erosion,much like the overlogged Kinabatangan river.Pour this down your throat and pay for it in years to come.
There is no aroma of tea since some craphead got the bright idea to recycle used tea,dry and colour them for consumption again.Mamak and Malay stalls were the first ones to jump on the bandwagon and now even most Penang chinese kopitiam have resorted to this.
So please do be cautious and if your tea smells like fungicide,reject it.

Here Are Two Articles Taken From Bernama's Portal
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Teh Timbang Can Be Hazardous To Health
JELI:
The teh timbang or teh sukat, literally measured tea and most liked by the people in Kelantan, can be hazardous to health, according to the Kelantan Health Department.
Its senior principal assistant director (food safety and quality) Ahmad Nadzri Sulaiman said the tea, often used by coffee shops, contained synthetic colouring.
“The tea does not come in labelled packaging and is sold by the measure at sundry shops in the state. It is hazardous to the health of consumers in the long term,” he said yesterday.
Ahmad Nadzri said the sale of tea should adhere to the Food Regulations 1985 which prohibited the addition of colouring.
Anyone found to be selling, importing, using and storing teh timbang was liable to prosecution and faced a maximum fine of RM10,000 or up to two years in jail upon conviction, he said.
Ahmad Nadzri said the department’s records showed that between January and October last year, 1,858kg of teh timbang valued at RM22,296 were seized in operations conducted by the department.
Restaurant operator Meriyam Sholah, 45, said she was unaware of the danger of the tea and had used it for the past 10 years.
She said the tea was cheaper than that which came in sachets, and that was vital for her business.
Puad Zainudin, 50, said he had heard about the hazard but consumed the tea, nevertheless.
“I buy the tea at RM12 per kilo. Another variety sells at RM7 per kilo, but lacks the aroma,” he said. – Bernama

Presma Members Not Using Teh Timbang

KUALA LUMPUR: Members of the Malaysian Muslim Restaurant Owners Association (Presma) are not using "teh timbang" or "teh sukat", literally measured tea, said its president, Noorul Hassan Saul Hameed. He said the members had long been reminded against using it and Presma carried out periodic checks on the restaurants with the cooperation of the Health Ministry to ensure that the guideline was adhered to.

"Mamak restaurants found to be using teh timbang to make tea or "teh tarik" can be prosecuted," he said when commenting on a Bernama's report that the tea was being sold at sundry shops in Kelantan.

Kelantan Health Department senior principal assistant director (food safety and quality) Ahmad Nadzri Sulaiman was reported as saying that the tea, often used by coffee shops, contained synthetic colouring and can be hazardous to health.
Noorul Hassan said there were no reports linking Presma members, numbering about 1,600, with the use of teh timbang.

Meanwhile, Nasi Kandar Pelita Ampang branch manager Hassan Mohiddeen said the restaurant did not use the tea in compliance with the Food Regulations 1985.

"We follow the guideline to maintain quality and ensure customer satisfaction. We have many branches throughout the country and we simply cannot break the rules," he told Bernama.

The Kelantan Health Department seized 1,858kg of teh timbang valued at RM22,296 between January and October last year.

Anyone found to be selling, importing, using and storing teh timbang, which is cheaper than that which came in sachets, is liable to prosecution and faced a maximum fine of RM10,000 or up to two years in jail upon conviction. -- BERNAMA

Restoran Kolam Ikan @ Sg Kob,Kulim

This place looks like Chin Peng's hideout or an outlaw's den where murders are committed with quiet abandon.The entrance into the farm is so eerie,and so quiet,that I wouldn't be surprised in the least if some day,a motorist gets waylaid,robbed,his woman dragged uphill or down into the bushes to be raped by some opportunist.
There is no proper road,just a one vehicle wide,dirt track interspersed by broken tiles here and there,with a maze of directions that pulls you so deep towards a foothill of a durian plantation that I almost wanted to turn back until we finally spotted up ahead in a clearing,a cluster of vehicles all shiny,big and new plus an Ai Goh Hotel van from Penang island filled with no doubt nauseous tourists.
Just how on earth we were convinced into coming here?
This fella we knew,had heard it by word of mouth.When he bumped into us he couldn't contain his excitement and declared that the fish here was so fresh,that they were bred in running water therefore there would be no earth or muddy smell guaranteed,that TNB staff even came here to eat and bla bla so on so forth.
I fell for it hook,line and sinker.
After parking our vehicle,we were amazed to see so many people in the middle of practically nowhere.Entire families came here for a feast with grandmas in tow.Tourists walked about inspecting the ponds.It was ethereal !That was from what we saw up at the car park.
Up close however,from the very moment we descended down the steps,the smell of dog faeces hits you.An old emergency era latrine covered in moss is on the left hand side of the stairs.That is where they expect you to empty your bowels after your meal.You pass a row of empty fowl cages littered with garbage and make your way through absolute filth to the dining area.At this point I asked myself, is a farm or a dumpster?
Still we sit down and reluctantly order.We decide on Patin,Tilapia,vegetables and a herbal drink.There isn't much choice,you either take it or you leave it.If they run out of ginger,you are expected to consume the dish without ginger.
On top of the roof is an annoying sprinkler system.The tablecloths are transparent pink large plastic sheets tied to the edges like a flyaway kite.I look out and there's an old woman sunning more sheets atop some bushes.If any bird were to fly past,drop some poop or scatter some urea she would probably presume the sun would dissinfect that.
Our drinks come in recycled mineral water bottles that have been recycled hundreds of times just like the tablecloths.
The Patin is so tough,there is no way it could have been farm fresh.The hide is so leathery,it must have been prerefrigerated.Fresh river patin is so silky and tender.This one had meat the texture of tuna with skin like a python.
Bad,awful,terrible.
The cook has to ensure that the fish has to be kept alive as long as possible just before slaughter.That, besides a rushing river,is the trick to satin Patin.When put in the fridge even if for an hour,this happens.
I might as well have bought it from Tesco.
Heck even if I had bought an aquacultured catfish and grilled it with assam I would have been more content than travelling all the way out here to this sham.
Picturesque?If you never look at the ground,make sure you peg your nose,don't mind the rot around you,love stepping on dog discharge every now and then,then yes.If not,a big No.It's just a durian farm with fish ponds squeezed in close quarters.
The Tilapia somehow was not appetizing partly due to incessant flies that pique your imagination with thoughts of"what if they had sat on dog poo or visited the nearby latrine earlier?"The taste was not even close to Thai,I think they should rename it Flai.
The veg was ok,but only because it was the only non fish dish that flies avoided sitting on.My partner took a lone walk and quickly scuttled back when he spotted a snake lying coiled up on one of the banks.Earlier parties had let their kids loose oblivious to the danger.
We left so much food behind but didn't feel the least guilty.No way was I going to schedule an appointment with the doc after this session.A table of 16 took a bite each of the Patin before tapauing it wholesale.They left with wrinkled noses and dissapointment written all over their foreheads.
On the whole,the much touted river is a trickling,dying stream.There are more ponds than running water to hold the bounty that I find it really strange as to how they managed to rid it of the smell.Either they are great cooks or we have been had and as such I hope the same never befalls you too.If you must have freshwater fish please head onto chowrasta market Never ever come here.
Can't believe that they tell us the place is patronised by locals when so many Penang and KL plates are found here,neither is it exactly cheap for this kind of environment in which we dice with the good of our health.
Let's just say that this place is ecofriendliness gone so wrong,it would make Guan Eng so damn proud.
Shudder!What an absolute appetite busting nightmare.

A New Year,A New Beginning

Happy New Year to all Borhochiak readers.
Let's hope for no more Penang where not to eat places,
Some places bucked up,some took extended holidays,some couldn't cope with the sudden fame where customers whipped out their cameras to discreetly snap momentos and dissapeared off the radar to relocate to other places.
Once the crowd of outsiders/leave takers/school holiday makers/tourists/returnees etc started pouring in,yours truly fled to several other states...namely Perak,Kay El,Selangor and even to Kulim where I found the most overrated freshwater fish makan place on this entire planet that certain Penang establishments market by "word of mouth".It is a conjob I tell you.Don't you ever fall for that and don't worry I will divulge the details on Kulim later.
I would like to start the year by thanking you for reading this unconventional blog of mine that I started because I couldn't fit all of my rants onto my facebook posts.
You keep my fire burning even if you don't show your face.
Just in case you don't already know,the objective of my ramblings is to create awareness onto the hype that certain eating places listed here do not or should not deserve, as well as reveal unscrupulous food writers and bloggers.
The internet connected learn fast
There are less bloggers discriminately snapping away at their tables.They do it more discreetly now.This shows that these bloggers DO care about what people think of them and their writings.That they do take pains to improve and redeem themselves in our eyes.To them those much improved and caring,blogging community, I say a big thank you.
However I am sad to say that those who used to enjoy traditionally banging away at keyboards and submitting manuscripts,those who enjoy their names being out in print and plastered onto walls,those who revel in being treated like kings and queens at various joints have not.
The long established food writers,are a different kettle of fish.They are more interested in how to get in the editors good books and how to impress the owners of various borhochiak places with their previously published works or printmedia status.They have shown that they care more about fame than two cents about truthful reviews because they have enjoyed more trimmings off the silverware(equal to rasuah or corrupt practices if I dare say) than bloggers.Some have resorted to sneaky ways of ensuring that editors keep on taking their downright farce of a recommendation so that they can keep eating for free while making suckers out of all of us diners eager for new places to try.This bunch is so used to taking,that they now resort to desperately grabbing at whatever way possible to clamber and stay on top that it would be safe to summice that I(yes you heard right),I would rather trust a blogger than a newspaper or magazine food reviewer
To these bullheaded writers I wish you a one way ticket to Satan's buffet line in hell for 2011.A bit to harsh?Nah...don't pity them one bit,they deserve it for all the cons they've pulled.
Anyway,the fact that these buggers now know that WE know that THEY have taken us for a ride long enough,jumpstarted some changes.which is a good thing for Penang food lovers in the long run.
I start year 2011 with a toast to all of you readers,writers and bloggers..... both good and one helluva naughty who remain in the background silently reading all my nonsensey outpourings but truthfully borhochiak to the bone stuff,thanks for the change and thanks for caring.